Post # 1
I’m going crazy today. I’m in a super long distance relationship with my boyfriend of 1.5 years. We’ve talked about marriage a little bit, but we left off the conversation with me telling him that I know he’s the one I want to marry, and him saying that he “hopes” we get married, but that he’s not ready to make that decision yet. I never asked him why he’s not ready or what needs to happen in order for him to BE ready, because the first time we talked about our different degrees of readiness, we both kind of freaked out, with him feeling pressured, and me feeling like there was something majorly wrong with our relationship if we weren’t both ready to head to the altar.We got past that initial shock, but it’s still something I think about regularly.
I’m feeling so frustrated today because I don’t know when, or even IF we’ll ever get engaged. It’s even harder since we’re in an LDR. I want to know that he wants to marry me so that I know that we’ll be together again someday. I want to know that he wants to marry me so that I can feel like all of the sacrifice necessary to sustain an LDR is worth it. Most of all, I want to know that he wants to marry me because I want to marry him!
It feels like it could take forever. He’s still in grad school, and he doesn’t even know how many more years it will take him to finish up. I have two more years in my work contract, and I could move after that expires, but I am resisting comforting myself with the idea of moving to be near him in a couple of years because I don’t like the idea of leaving everything behind me and moving to be with somebody who is not officially committed to me.
I know that there’s no “rush” to get engaged since school and work are preventing us from relocating for another 2 years anyway. What’s hard for me, though, is the nagging doubt that I may be wasting my time in a relationship with somebody that I cannot see or touch, and somebody who may never want to commit to me. I love him dearly and he’s always treated me well. He shows me that he’s committed to our relationship in many ways. I just want the ultimate commitment.
If you’re still reading this, you’re a hero! It felt great to get that off my chest!
Post # 3
Here is my opinion, and its really not meant to be harsh. I think it’s A LOT to expect any guy to make that commitment after only a year and a half, and especially its a lot to expect that that relationship has been long distance. I know some guys DO make that commitment after such a short period of time, and I don’t think there anything wrong with that, but I really don’t think thats the norm. As girls, we’re programmed to think about marriage and commitment, and guys just aren’t.
I think its a bit much to assume that he “may never want to commit to you”; it doesn’t seem that he has given you that indication at all. In fact, he said he “hopes” you get married. Yeah, that’s not the sweeping “I love you and want to be with you forever” commitment you want, but it doesn’t mean he isn’t committed to being with you. But marriage is a forever concept and quite frankly, sometimes it takes longer for guys to get there. My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years, and we didn’t really discuss marriage until we had been together for almost 3 years, when we had to make a decision about where we were going after grad school, and if we were going to go there together.But just curious, why would you have to be the one who moved after your work contract is over? Could he theoretically move to be with you, showing you his commitment to you even if he isn’t ready for marriage at that point? In terms of the ultimate commitment, I’d take it slowly! Most guys are going to be scared after 1.5 years of even discussing marriage, nevermind getting engaged, so don’t pressure him. He’ll get there in his own time. Just my 2 cents. Like I said, none of this is meant to be an insult, but I think you need to let the relationship take its course naturally instead of feeling like you need to get engaged now.
Post # 4
I know it’s tough but I think that you need to take it one step at a time. The first step is having the two of you living closer I think. It sounds like he just needs time, and I’m not sure if you have always been LDR or not but I would have a tough time committing to be with someone without being together in the same place for some length of time. My husband and I were LDR and the dynamics in those relationships are so different than being together. For now work on your relationship and think about what you want to do in the future that is the best for you while considering your relationship with him.
Post # 5
I say hang in there! Relationships are frustrating sometimes because women are often on a different level of maturity, but if you really love each other, everything will work itself out. I can not relate completely (because we were not long distance until recently), but I heard a response very similar to that around the same time in our relationship. Now looking back on everything, I kind of feel like I was a little bit of a crazy person for doubting it so much. We have been together for almost four years and got engaged last month :). And once you are both at that mature place in life where you can make such a huge committment, you can talk openly about anything.
Post # 6
Well, the truth is that you can *never really know*. That is the risk of committing to someone. You can never control whether he’ll do what you want, keep his end of the bargain, etc. That’s also what makes it exciting! Life would be boring if you knew exactly what everyone would do and exactly what time they’d do it.
Apologies if that sounds harsh (I’m going through a breakup but still on the boards…)