(Closed) I need to vent. This is really long but it sure feels good to get off my chest

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
2634 posts
Sugar bee

I would just not bring up wedding related things to your Future Mother-In-Law unless she asks specifically about something.  She’s being nasty and she KNOWS she’s being nasty, but she also knows that you’ll never call her out on it (which you shouldn’t IMO because it’ll just open up another can of worms).

Good luck and (((hugs))).

Post # 4
1154 posts
Bumble bee

I’m sorry things are tough.  I think with the Mother-In-Law you need to revise your expectations (not because you are wrong but because that’s the part you have control over).  You do not need her feedback and involvement, it was nice of you to offer but since it is not wanted, stop.  She does not need to be involved in the planning, it doesn’t even mean she doesn’t like you or is not happy about the marriage.  Marriage =/ Wedding.  This will simplify the situation a lot I think.  You have plenty of other people who are supportive and plenty of problems to deal with (your sister).  You are going to have a lifetime to bond with her and forge a closer relationship, it doesn’t have to be now now.  I’ve nothing useful to say on anything of the other issues, so g’luck!

Post # 5
3252 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Wow. First of all welcome to the bee fellow Wisconsonite.

And then – it sounds like Mother-In-Law is trying to redo her wedding thru you. I wouldn’t go there with her. Just let her be. She’ll come around eventually. Like SanDiego said don’t talk wedding with her.

As far as the sister and sister in law. I would just tell them to either fall in line or don’t be a part of it. Wedding planning is stressful enought without all of this drama seriously.

I hope that this all works out for you.


Post # 6
1566 posts
Bumble bee

Sorry all of these things are happening at once! I think the Mother-In-Law issue is very very common – I’ve had some of this happen myself, and I feel like I see posts about this on the boards almost daily. Unfortunately, few brides have a perfect relationship with their Future Mother-In-Law. I think there are two issues: 1) Her not being interested in the wedding 2)Her being downright rude to you. I think you have to live with the first – the groom’s family is traditionally not supposed to be involved, and you can’t expect or force her to care about the wedding. However, you should have your Fiance talk to her about the second and make it clear that rude comments are not ok. 

My Future Mother-In-Law did NOT like me and refused to meet me for a long time (nothing about me, but this whole “my only son is picking some girl over me” thing. So Fiance had some minimal contact with her, and I didn’t. Then, she started slowly having me over, etc, and she is now perfectly polite. However, she has said straight out she is not interested in the details of the wedding as I’m not her daughter. It sucks, but I am not at all mad and i think this is reasonable. Everyone has the right to decide if they’re interested or not. So maybe stop trying to involve her and it’ll be easier for everyone.

Regarding your other drama, I think it’s the downside of a big family. But you also get a lot of the perks that come with having a big family. I don’t have any sisters or cousins or sisters-in-law, and I think I would definitely prefer to have a bigger family and take the drama that comes with it! 

Hopefully venting makes you feel better and you work through all of these issues one by one. Good luck! 

Post # 7
1956 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Tannery Pond at the Darrow School

I’m sorry you’re going through all of this! Unfortunately, I’ve come to realize that wedding planning tends to bring out the nasty side of people, for whatever reason…I don’t think anyone I know who has planned a wedding hasn’t had some hurtful comments or actions from close family member or friends…And it sucks!!!!

Unfortunately, I think you just have to brace yourself for these kinds of ridiculous things and somehow get a tougher skin (don’t think I’m not calling you tough now, a situation like the one you’re in is horrible and so hard NOT to be upset about) and just ignore it all…I like to believe that it all goes away once the wedding is over!


Post # 8
303 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

So sorry to hear what you’re going through! I agree that it MILs can be difficult!

Is there something in the wedding that you and Fiance would be willing to compromise on and let her be more or less in charge of? Favors? Choosing the food? Some aspect of decorating? You might cringe at first, but having them on your side will make it worth your while.

Post # 9
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

It’s too bad your Mother-In-Law has to ruin this special time for you. I agree that you should stop bringing up wedding related stuff to her; you tried now it’s her turn. Remember it is your wedding and do not let anyone order you around like the Future Sister-In-Law. I know it’s hard because this is the family you will be tied to, but it’s not fair that you have done your part plus extra and not getting kindness in return. So put your foot down when needed.  I would also talk to your fiance, he needs to take a tougher stance with them becasue it is his family who is being mean to you and you are not being too sensative

Post # 10
1408 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I agree with a few of the above posters, I’d simply stop all e-mail and talk about the wedding with you Future Mother-In-Law. She’s being nasty and purposefully trying to drive a wedge between the two of you. I would tell your Fiance that you are NOT being overly sensitive and he’s got to start standing up for you to his mother. Its important that you show his family a united front, or she’ll keep chipping at the trust between the two of you until something breaks. Maybe even stop visiting or visit her less. (We can’t, too much snow (haha…living in snowy WI has its perks!) or Its too close to the wedding to spend 12 hours diving to you and back when we have [fill in the blank] to do.)

As for the SIL, put your foot down. Tell her how YOU want things and if she can’t handle it she can polity back out of the wedding. It sounds like you have so many loving, happy people in your life choosing the BMs and GMs was difficult for the two of you, which is awesome! Stick to how you want things. Does your brother know she’s paranoid about this other woman? If not, maybe let him know so he can calm her down.

Good luck!

Post # 11
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Just a weird thought, but is there anyway you can do something so Future Mother-In-Law feels a little more included? It sounds like from the dress part she got turned off/feelings hurt (even though that’s kind of silly). For instance, I asked my Future Mother-In-Law to be the woman to put my veil on because it should be done by someone with a happy marriage and she has the happiest marriage I know of. I also took come lace off of FMIL’s wedding dress (which I also REFUSED to wear) and am going to sew it into my dress when it comes in. Maybe something like this will make her feel good and more included with the situation without taking away from your vision of your big day.


Post # 12
1982 posts
Buzzing bee

Put your foot down to the SIL. Tell her straight up (and your nephew, to his face) that he can pass out programs for the wedding, and that’s what you’d love for him to do if he would like to. And tell her, sorry–we have the plans set, so please quit trying to change them. I will let you know if there is a change, but I’m the one who decides that, thanks.

Next, Future Mother-In-Law. First of all, your Fiance needs to get his act together and realize that if this hurts you, it doesn’t matter if you’re “too sensitive” in his opinion–it’s still hurtful and he still needs to address it. He can’t take her side over yours, and you need to have an “us” stance instead of him and you–two different people–to Future Mother-In-Law. If she keeps treating you bad, he needs to stop talking to her as often. She’ll get the drift.

Meanwhile, stop giving her any wedding details. You’ll just give her opportunity to complain at the wedding, and probably she’ll upset you when you start thinking ” GAHHH I GAVE HER A CHANCE TO SPEAK UP!” She sounds like a nasty person, personally.

And finally… GOOD LUCK! It’s going to be hard, but I think once the wedding’s over, you’ll be happier and married! Yay!

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