(Closed) I need unbiased advice…

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
5072 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2012


I will never be happy in this area, making minimum wage, wasting my education in fast food and he seems content keeping me that way. 

Relationships are all about compromise.  Doesn’t sound like he’s willing to at all.

no one here can tell you what’s best.  But do you really want to be thinking the same thing 20 years from now?

Post # 4
1070 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I think you need to sit him down and tell him that you can never be happy if you stay in this small town.  He can visit his family, and you will be able to afford to travel if you get a job.  A marriage is a partnership and he doesnt get to dictate where you will live.

Post # 5
3306 posts
Sugar bee

Marriage is a partnership and if he is unwilling to to compromise, then you may need to rethink getting married….

Post # 6
9966 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Talk to him, talk to him, talk to him. 

Neither of you is 100% in charge over the other, as GroovyHippieChick says, relationships are about compromise.  Neither of you deserve to be miserable.  If he loves you he should be open to discussion about what’s important to you. 

Post # 7
1866 posts
Buzzing bee

@Pickles-Bee  When you tell him how unhappy you are, what does he say?  Do you point out to him that his reasons for wanting to stay (to be close to family) don’t seem to make sense since he doesn’t see them that often?

Post # 8
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

PP have given you good advice.  I would also add….are you ready to “die on this hill”?  I.e. if he won’t compromise, maybe you should mve by yourself?  IN 20 years, would you be happier at McDonalds with a husband or in a job you like without FI?

I know that seems drastic, but I have met several women in their late 40’s who are divorced….they took a job below their education level to be with their husband and after 20 years of marrige, realized that they were happier on their own with a better job. 

If there is a possibility that you could find a job in your town (maybe just because the economy sucks right now you are stuck at a crapppy job), that is one thing.  But if the best you can hope for is manager ar McDonalds….and Fiance is unwilling to move to a more economically propserous area…..eh…only you can really answer what will make you happy…..

Post # 9
1351 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

This was similar to us. In the end, I told DH that I just couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t stay where we were living, and I’d never be happy. This was about 2 months before the wedding. Once he saw how unhappy I was, he realized he loved me more than staying in a place where he wants to be close to his family that he doesn’t even see b/c of all the drama. We moved, and our marriage is stronger than ever. He compromised for me. That being said- there’s things that I will certainly compromise for him for. Speak up, or you won’t be happy, and will def resent him for later. Which causes a whole different bag of problems.

Post # 10
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

I agree with everyone else.  It’s time to sit down and have a long but unheated discussion about this because you will regret not taking this opportunity and you will end up blaming him if you continue to be dissatisfied with your job and your inability to fulfill your dreams.  If he won’t compromise on this what else will he not compromise on?  It sounds like he would prefer if you were a Stay-At-Home Mom anyway but it doesn’t seem like that’s your idea of a fulfilling life.

Tell him everything and listen.  If he still won’t understand why this is something you need then I would have to say it may be time to re-evaluate marrying a guy that doesn’t support you and your dreams.  If he’s comfortable with you being miserable and he knows you’re miserable then that’s a major relationship problem that will not go away, it will only get worse.  Couples counseling may be a good idea if you are unable to get him to see the light on your own but I suspect he’s a traditional guy that doesn’t believe in that psychology “crap.”

Post # 11
4464 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

View original reply
@Mrs.Elivs  I did similar, but when we were still boyfriend/girlfriend.  My husband graduated, but I was still in school.  I wanted him to do graduate school near me, and then we could move somewhere together.  He didn’t.  He took a job in this bumf*ck area.  I hated visiting him there.  I moved there for the summer after graduation, and I HATED it.  I knew I would waste my life living there.  I told him I was moving to New York City, or WE were moving to New York City.  We moved.  We’ve been here for 7 years and we both adore it and our careers are wonderful.

He owes you at least the chance to give it a try.  Some guys get in a comfort zone that they just don’t want to get out of.

Post # 12
2783 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

This is a tough situation, and I’ve been through similar with DH. It’s really easy for everyone to say that if he loved you he’d move, but if he has a great job he loves he will be making a sacrifice (I’m not saying he shouldn’t), and it’s unfair for everyone to say your needs should automatically go over his.

Has he lived in this town his whole life? DH had lived in a small town his whole life, and getting him to move was like pulling teeth…ultimately, it came down to the fact that he was scared, and didn’t want to admit it. My bet is that is exactlly what it is in this situation too.

What about spending some time in the city you want to move to? Maybe if he vists there and you look at places, and he sees the kind of life you could have that might open him up to it a bit more?

Post # 14
9050 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

Have you really made it clear to him how unhappy you are and the financial benefit and lack of logic in his reasoning for staying?  3 hours is not far to go visit family so I think he’s being a little (lot) ridiculous unless he saw them multiple times a week. 

If you have and he’s just being stubborn

Quite honestly, I would rent myself a studio aprtment and take a job within a three hour radius. Then see if I could arrange for maybe a compressed work week or something (4 10 hours, nine day fortnight) or something and live there during the week and somebody can make the trip on he days off. If he finds it’s better to live near people he never sees than to see his happy wife daily… Then I dunno. 

Post # 15
2605 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Do you suspect at all that his pride is getting in the way here?  Maybe he doesn’t want to be the “man” and earn less than you, so that’s why he’s resisting transferring his job to another location.

(Not agreeing with this attitude… just throwing it out there as something to watch out for whenyou have the talk with him)

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