(Closed) I need unbiased advice…

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
1866 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
@Pickles-Bee:  Sweetie, it’s kind of sad when your standards are a man “who would never cheat/hit me/degrade me”.  You deserve so much more than the absolute bare minimum!!!  You should be with someone who supports your goals and your ambitions, hopes and dreams, and who would do anything under the sun to make you happy!  This man does not sound like a good guy in that regard! 

Post # 19
Member
10361 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

You say he wouldn’t degrade you, but forcing you to live below your potential IS degrading you. Have a life – you’ll regret not seeing what you can achieve elsewhere!

Post # 20
Member
4464 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

It could take 2-6 months and he refuses to live separately for those months because there “would be no trust”.


This statement worries me. 

was going to chime in again before reading that and say that I’ve had my husband say something similar to what you were talking about before.  He is from the country and was absolutely convinced he would HATE the city.  He thought of a million reasons it would make him absolutely miserable.  The complete opposite has happened.  He has a career he never could have dreamed of.  He has better friends than he’s had in his whole life.  We’ve had experiences we never would have had.

Could you possibly do kind of a re-con mission in this area you’re looking at?  Spend a long weekend there, browse some apartments, eat at some restaurants, go out to bars, etc.?

He is holding you back from your potential, and you’ll regret wasting some of your best years toiling away at BS jobs.  You deserve better.

 


Post # 21
Member
2417 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

View original reply
@Pickles-Bee:  It could take 2-6 months and he refuses to live separately for those months because there “would be no trust”.

Big red flag.

I think that you need to do what is best for you and your future and if he really loves you, he will support your decision. If not, I think it is time to move on and you can find someone a hundred times better.

Post # 22
Member
1474 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@Pickles-Bee You are not a selfish horrible person for wanting a career.

@Rock Hugger! +1

“If he still won’t understand why this is something you need then I would have to say it may be time to re-evaluate marrying a guy that doesn’t support you and your dreams.  If he’s comfortable with you being miserable and he knows you’re miserable then that’s a major relationship problem that will not go away, it will only get worse. ” beachbride1216

THIS!

Hugs and good luck, I hope you are able to sorth things out and be happier in the end.

Post # 23
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

View original reply
@hotchildinthecity:  Agreed.

So he wants to keep you in this small town where he can keep an eye on you? Does he like keeping you dependent and isolated? Lots of warning signs here.

3-4 hours is nothing. You could easily commit to coming back one weekend every month or two to spend time with his family. If he can transfer and still have the job he loves, even more of a reason. The best thing is that nothing is permanent. You need to get your career off the ground quickly, before your education becomes obsolete. In this economy, few are in any position to leisurely turn down job offers because they WILL stop coming in.

If he is unwilling to compromise in this topic that is significantly affecting your happiness, lifetime earning potential, sense of self worth and accomplishment, how will he be when you have any other opinion or desire that doesn’t jive with what works best for him?

Post # 24
Member
3768 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo

I have nothing really to add that hasn’t already been said, just want to reiterate that it is very selfish of him to keep you in a town that you cannot find a future in and cannot find a way to utilize that degree you got when it is more than plausible, it’s basically guaranteed that he can get a higher paying job where you want to move.  Trust while living apart is a very thin excuse to not transfer; it should not even be a question, especially if you are already engaged.  Good luck, I hope things work out for you!!

Post # 25
Member
11267 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

View original reply
@Pickles-Bee:  there must be something deeper for your fi to not even consider the options.   i think you need to have a more intense conversation regarding this.  i am afraid that you may end up resenting your husband in a few years b/c you are currently in a position where you cannot grow.  resentment will tear a marriage apart.  you need to decide what’s best for you in this situation.  your fi is being completely unreasonable.

It could take 2-6 months and he refuses to live separately for those months because there “would be no trust”. 

 this raises huge red flags for me.  i have a feeling your fi has some very controlling tendencies.  that could be why he doesn’t want you to fulfill your dream job.  a good partner should encourage you to be the best you can be.  he is simply holding you back.

Post # 26
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Unbiased opinion: I would move and take the job. I really like PPs idea of taking your Fiance to the city to do “re-con.” Change is hard and maybe he just needs to actually see what life would be like if you were to both move and change jobs.

I know what it is like to be miserable, in a rut and I hope that you can find a decision that takes that pain away. Good luck; you are in my thoughts.

Post # 27
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Sounds like you’re getting a lot of good advice here! Talk to him again, try to work it out where he agrees to move and if he doesn’t then you’ll have to decide what kind of life you want for yourself. This is something you’re going to need to work out before you get married. Good luck!

Post # 29
Member
5950 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

Everybody gets a say in a marriage…when I hear words like won’t and refuse…it really sounds like, “I’m in charge.”  and “I know best.”  keep talking to him, never threaten and focus on the point that this life has to work for both of you!  He’ll come around, stay calm and no swearing!

Post # 31
Member
5950 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

View original reply
@Pickles-Bee:  Don’t get your hackels up over it, he does it out of the best of intentions, I swear, AND he might be a little afraid of leaving “home” because he’s got things lined up where you are now and the prospect of leaving his safety zone might be a little daunting…he’s got to learn to rely on you too…you’ll get there…keep talking to him!

The topic ‘I need unbiased advice…’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors