(Closed) I need unbiased advice…

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
8036 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@Pickles-Bee  Rethink marrying this guy. Maybe he has some other wonderful qualities, but the way you describe him in this post makes me think he is a) selfish b) stupid c) lazy.

Post # 34
Member
9966 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@Pickles-Bee   He’s not your Dad.  He can’t “tell” you what to do.  He sounds disrespectful.  I don’t like that quality in a person. 

Post # 35
Member
5950 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

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@Pickles-Bee  The definition of insanity is performing the same action over and over again while expecting a different result…if you love this guy, and want to make it work your just going to have to find another way…the direct approach just doesn’t cut it, and since he sounds like one of those jackasses that ignores reason and logic because it’s convenient I would start behaving slightly illogicially since it’s apparant you can get your way without having to justify your stance with silly things like rules and results…

 

Post # 36
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

Wow. If you get another good job offer, I’d take it.  He got together with you knowing you were pursuing a degree. Did he think it was an MRS degree? If not, then he’s changing the rules on you now that he thinks he has you in the bag, and that’s not cool. If he knew he was never going to be happy anywhere else, then he lied to you. If he changed his mind later, he’s a hypocrite. All of this might be OK if he was willing to talk to you and work through a compromise, but it sounds like he expects to be happy in his life and you can either take that or leave it.

If he keeps digging in his heels, I’d leave it. If you’re working that menial job, what happens if something happens to him (He could get injured or killed, or leave you, or any number of other things)? Your education is obsolete, but I’m assuming you’d still have student loans to pay off, not to mention taking care of any children. Do you really want the possibility of being stuck in a situation where you have loans and children, working at McDonalds or Walmart trying to make ends meet, stuck in some town you hate, all the while with the knowledge that you had the chance to make a better life for yourself but didn’t do it?

Post # 37
Member
4953 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I don’t necessarily think you need to leave him right away, but I think you need to re-evaluate. You’ve said you’ll never be happy where you are, so YOU need to go and take one of those job offers. Whether or not he follows you and transfers jobs is up to him. You can’t force him to do it. But if he doesn’t come with you, odds are, you should postpone or call off the wedding. 

Post # 39
Member
7769 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

@Pickles-Bee  Darling darling darling.  It seems he (giving him the benefit of the doubt) has some fear that is keeping him from moving- not that it is even that far!  Has he never moved to another place?  Other than that, the worst case scenerio would be he wants to hold you down- but lets give him the benefit of the doubt here.

No matter what, you have to do what is right for you.  This move is not even that far.  Can you strike a compromise?  You have to do what you want and need in life- which for you sounds like supporting yourself. 

Post # 41
Member
365 posts
Helper bee

It sounds like he’s a lot less willing to ‘compromise’ than you are. You’re willing to stay reasonably close, within easy visiting distance… but other than that, it doesn’t sound like you have one particular city in mind over all the others. There’s nothing in that city for you, it sounds like… and he doesn’t seem to care.

I wasn’t engaged at the time, but a few years ago I was in a serious relationship with a guy I liked pretty well. But, I was in a similar position to you. I could at least get above minimum wage, but my 4 year university degree, with honors, actually seemed to put me at a disadvantage. I seriously got turned down from a temp agency, with a college degree, great grades, 100 wpm typing skills, etc. etc. – just ridiculous! I can answer a damn phone!

He wouldn’t move – he had been remodeling a home next door to his parents, he was comfortable in our small community, etc. If I was with him, he made it clear, I was stuck.

I decided I couldn’t be happy there, even if things continued to go well between us, and I’d need to move to a city with more to offer me. I broke up with him and moved, I immediately doubled my income, I loved where I lived, etc. etc. – and he moved to the same city within six months. He said that when I moved, it really made him think about things. We never did get back together… I’d moved on. But it goes to show. He’s much happier here now, even on his own.

Follow your heart. You’re not happy where you are. Tell your honey that you want to stay with him, you want to be happy together, and you’re open to his input about where that is… but that it has to be somewhere else. If he can’t compromise… that’s not a good sign. Either way, maybe you can change his mind!

Post # 42
Member
752 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think making your happiness a priority when you have an uncompromising partner is a must.  It sounds like you made a very valid attempt to planning your future before you agreed to marry and now he’s changing the rules of the game.

Moving for work is something my DH and I discussed plenty before we got married.  I understand that he has the degree and I don’t.  I realize he has more earning potential than I do so it makes sense for us to move for his work if the pay warrants it.  I work from home so I can easily pack up my PC and take my job anywhere. 

PS – I still make more $ than he does.  He never feels threatened.  He is just happy as pie he has a wife who brings home the bacon and cooks it too.  There are plenty of other men out there like him. 

Post # 43
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

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@Pickles-Bee  Uh oh. I don’t know where you’re living, but in the small town I came from, there’s a HUGE stigma against people who are on the dole. We are a painfully red state, and people who are able bodied but still get assistance are looked down on quite severely. Not saying that that’s right, but that is how it is.

 

Post # 44
Member
1252 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I haven’t read all the PPs, but I think it is quite clear that he wants you to give up your family, your career and your happiness, and he is willing to give zilch.  4 hours is nothing, he can easily go home every single weekend if he wanted to – people commute that distance over here on the east coast!  At $20/hour vs. $60K/year, you will be making more than him right off the bat, not to mention the future earning potential you will have in your career is most likely better than his.   If you give up everything to stay with him in a town that makes you miserable you will ultimately resent him for it.  If he won’t consider options that are clearly in YOUR best interest you need to really assess whether this guy is worth giving up everything you’ve worked for. 

If it was me, I’d accept an out-of-state job and let him figure out whether he thinks I’m worth moving for… 

 

ETA:  “And he also tells me “there is no point” for him to transfer or look for another job in the areas my offers are coming from because he already has his career. ” –>  UMMM, excuse me, but the point is that YOU deserve a shot at the career and the life that you want!  Geez, seriously selfish attitude.

Post # 45
Member
365 posts
Helper bee

Also… there’s no way in hell I would ever do this, but some couples do live apart some of the time! I have a professor whose husband also teaches at a university – he lives about 5 hours away. His home is her ‘primary’ residence, but she lives in my city Tue – Thur every week.

It would suck being apart some of the time, but if you’d seriously make that much more money in another city, you might be able to afford two residences, even if one is a home and one just a part-time apartment.

I don’t think I could deal with commuting every weekend like that, but if you really truly love him and know he’s unwilling to compromise… you could give it a try.

EDIT: Oh, nvm… didn’t read the ‘no trust’ bs. Oops.

But it doesn’t sound like that’s what you’re looking for. Have you told him that his unwillingness to compromise makes you doubt your future together?

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