(Closed) I need unbiased advice…

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
365 posts
Helper bee

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@Pickles-Bee  I think… tell him you’re going. If he agrees to go with you, he gets a say in where… if he doesn’t, then you pick on your own – and if he wants you back, that’s where he’ll have to chase you.

He can have a say in it or he can’t. Or he can just decide he’s too stubborn to support your very reasonable wishes. I’m sorry; this sounds awful. :/

Post # 48
Member
443 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Wow! This makes me so sad for you… If you’re anything like me you worked hard for your degree and it would be such a shame for that hard work to go to waste.

Your last post makes him out to be so manipulative. How does he react with other things you don’t agree on?

He just seems so selfish. In your position I would go and take the job. I guess when it comes to certain life changing decisions you’ve gotta have some faith and know that things will end up the way they were meant to…

Post # 49
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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@Pickles-Bee  I’m so sorry.  But I would leave.  I don’t think it’s enough for you to just be his wife and be satisfied with a minimum wage job.  You want more for yourself and you want a professional career.  He doesn’t seem to see the value in that and seems to think you should be satisfied with a boring, dead end life.  I don’t think you’ll ever be fulfilled, living where you are and being his wife.  And honestly, there are better guys out there, who will be on the same page with you in regards to career goals and life.  I’m sure your fiance is a great guy, but it isn’t enough to stay with him, just because you love him and he won’t cheat on you, hit you, or degrade you.  You are NOT a selfish person for wanting a career!  He is the selfish one, because he can’t even consider anything out of the narrow life he’s chosen for you and him.

Post # 50
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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@Pickles-Bee  (I just read your responses, after I already wrote a post).  Good luck with the job interview!  And the “there would be no trust” thing really bugs me.  No trust?  Sorry, but that just further indicates his narrowminded-ness.  If he can’t trust you for just a few months until he can relocate, then he has some serious issues. And the fact that he thinks you want to be the sole breadwinner shows that he has some gender related insecurities.  Come on!  What kind of man in the 21st century wouldn’t be proud of a wife who was so smart and accomplished?  Sounds like he’s stuck in the stone ages!

It really seems like you and he are on vastly different paths, in terms of goals, achievements, and outlook on life.  I honestly think you should do the best for yourself, find a career that fulfills you, and find a different kind of guy.  Good luck!  🙁

Post # 51
Member
1063 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

chiming in to everyone who says you need to be you, which means realizing your career potential and using the education that didn’t come cheap or easy and you must have had some passion for. he doesn’t know for sure he won’t be happy in the new place. a move doesn’t have to be fortherestofyourlife, you could try it out. but it sounds like he isn’t willing to bend at all, and that part is troubling. think down the road.. are you going to be 5 yrs into your marriage and still miserable about the same things? i could never stand for making minimum when i had offers for 60k!

good luck and much love!

Post # 52
Member
2959 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

People grow and change in relationships and loving partners deal with it. My eyes got big with the “no trust” statement. Wow.

These lovely ladies have given you such good advice, I have nothing to add except I don’t think you will be happy if you give everything up to make him happy. Happiness is a very important thing and it should be important to your man that you are happy.

Post # 53
Member
1684 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think you should talk to him and explain how you feel. Three to four hours driving is not that far; certainly he could visit a couple times a month, and his family could visit too. That’s not an impossible distance.

I guess there are some questions you have to answer for yourself. Is there a compromise where you could be happy, something between moving 3-4 hours away and staying where you are?

If there’s not, and he’s unwilling to move, can you see a future where you’d be happy married to him and living in this town? Can you see a future where you’d be happy without him and living in this city?

Post # 54
Member
1489 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@Pickles-Bee  A career is a pretty basic need for most women nowadays. Not to say that some are content without it. You clearly are not and there is nothing wrong with that. Not allowing you to pursue one for even a little while is a deal breaker in my mind. His argument is completely selfish and childish. I’m positive you can find a sweet non-abusive MAN elsewhere. This is not healthy.

Post # 55
Member
433 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@Pickles-Bee  

 

Sounds like the two of you are not compatible with what you want in life and where you want to live, so it’s not going to work. I’m sorry you have to go through that.

Post # 56
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Pickles-Bee  counseling and if that doesn’t work, leave. no man should make you lose out on your full potential. youll be so much more miserable even 2 years from now, wondering what you could have been. don’t let your life pass you by.

Post # 57
Member
1636 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

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@Pickles-Bee  Heck I WISH I could get that many interviews and job offers as you!!!! PLEASE do not turn down anything else!!

Post # 58
Member
509 posts
Busy bee

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@Pickles-Bee  I’m really sorry that this is happening to you, and I can completley sympathize with what you’re going through.

I think your Fiance is terrified that you will outgrow him, out-earn him, and outshine him.  It’s a simple form of control all wrapped up in the guise of him providing for you.  What he’s also doing is isolating you and trying to keep you in a place where you are dependent on him for your lifestyle and future.  Basically, it’s a very subtle form of abuse.

When you love someone and want to share your life with them, you want them to be the best possible person they can possibly be.  If you truly love someone, you want what’s best for them even if it means being without you.

You have the right to be happy and to achieve your dreams, all of them.  You only get one turn on the merry-go-round; don’t you want it to be the happiest, most fulfilling ride you can possibly have? 

 Follow your gut instinct. You know that there’s something wrong here, and I hope you figure it all out before you spend years of your life being anything less than you deserve to be.

xxxx

Post # 59
Member
255 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

My Fiance is 43, I’m 31. We are living in a town that does not offer many possibilities for the graduate degree I have. He’s in warehousing and can easily transfer within his company to mulitple locations. We are content where we are now. HOWEVER, we both know that there may come a time when we have to relocate for my career and he is fine doing so. My Fiance outlook is that I’m a specialized, trained member of the workforce whereas his job is rather universal. Yes, it could mean that I earn more then him but at the end of the day what we make individually is our money together. So really, what does it matter.

Your Fiance sounds like he’s ol’ fashioned in his ideas of what your role is going in to this marriage. He wants you to pitter patter around at menial jobs, not be the breadwinner and certainly not question his authority or learned experience. I’m guessing he wants a whole schwack-load of kids once he’s put a ring on that pretty l’il finger of yours and you’ll look after them while he goes and drinks some brewskys with buddies too…

Look…you can love this man to death but at the end of the day if you aren’t happy the marriage will never see the sunlight either. No minimum wage job is going to challenge you the way you need. You will feel like you’ve wasted your skills and education on nothing. It’s a horrible feeling of not having proper worth given to your life. I know. I was working in a factory for a while and hating every moment. My Fiance hated seeing me so miserable. When I landed my current job; a job that challenges me, gives me a sense of worth and I’m proud to go to, my attitude coming home changed 100% and our homelife improved 200%.

Your Fiance needs to understand this basic concept and get over his stupid insecurities. He should be bending over backwards to see you through to your goals. If anything, he should at least be able to see that you are miserable and wasting away working a job you loathe and that this alone will never bring any happiness to your marriage. 

There is a quote I heard once and it became my mantra in relationships that weren’t meant to last but I was reluctant to give up on them. I states “I had to leave, because being with you meant deserting me”. You shouldn’t have to desert who you are to be in a relationship with someone. 

I hope this helps.

Post # 60
Member
3683 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

1.  He won’t compromise.  Not good.

2.  You went through all those years of school so you wouldn’t have to work in fast food.

3.  I’m heartbroken for you that your fiance doesn’t want to do anything that will help you live up to your full potential.  My husband can work from anywhere, and has told me that where we live in the future is going to be based on where I need to be to work.  

 

Post # 61
Member
1058 posts
Bumble bee

Many people have mentioned that you have many possibilities, and I’d like to add also that you could maybe find something where you work from home. However, the problem here doesn’t seem to be the lack of possible solutions, but that your Fiance doesn’t seem to consider your needs important enough to get out of his comfort zone. If talking hasn’t helped, you could perhaps try counseling, though I think the idea of recon missions are also good. Good luck – it sounds like you’ll land on your feet whatever you decide, and like you have a plenty sensible head on your shoulders! 

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