(Closed) I need unbiased advice…

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 62
Member
814 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

So he’s willing to make you live a miserable life for his own selfish reasons? Money isn’t everything, but doesn’t he want you guys to own a house? Have a family? Travel? Be comfortable? You wont be able to do that on minimum wage… Sit him down, dumb it down and explain everything to him. If, in a couple of weeks, he’s still 100% unwilling to budge, leave him. Even if it’s a temporary break. You may love him, but if everything else in your life is horrible, it’s not worth it.

Post # 63
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Just because someone doesn’t hit you, degrade you, cheat on you, etc. doesn’t make them right for you.  There are 95% of the population that also won’t do those things to you.  The fact that he doesn’t trust you should already put up a huge red flag.  It’s not cute that he’s possessive and controlling…it’s actually really bad.  Relationships are built on trust and mutual respect/consideration…without that, you just have a dictatorship.

Agreeing with PP’s, you should take a good job and tell your SO that you’re doing this with or without him.  He can support and try to get a transfer when possible or he can stay in his town and let you leave.  Either way, you’ll be in a better position than when you started because then you’ll know if he’s actually there for you or not.

Post # 64
Member
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@Pickles-Bee:  I had a relative who was very unhappy where she lived, her husband always promised to move in a couple of years, each time it came to move there was always some excuse, and the time got pushed back again and again.  Finally after 12 years she left him and he stayed in the house.

Post # 65
Member
2776 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

This situation blows!

I dated a guy like this once, he was stuck in a job in his “career,” (he worked in a liquor store as a cashier).  And no intentions of leaving the small town we lived in. Your Fiance seems to have a major problem with you being succesful and wants to keep you where he has you.  When I was dating lliquor store guy, I was always looking for work that was not the fast food place I worked at.  One time he agreed to bring me to an interview for a job that would have paid me really well and instead he threw a hissy fit and didnt take me and argued about how I couldn’t have that job because of x,y.z.  Everytime I did manage to go to a job interview he would critize my clothes, put me down etc.  

Your guy isnt quite this bad but hes pooh-poohing everything you say and whining about how hard it would be for him, grasping at straws, piss poor excuses and using the” well I’m older and know better so there” line.   If theres a time that any of this doesn’t work he says fine just go, but backing off when he sees you might actually go.  Then as a last resort he tries to pull the trust card in that it would ruin your relationship.

This should be really easy, there should be comprimise.  I know you’ve tried six ways from Sunday to explain this to this guy and he just won’t budge.  It sounds like you’ve pretty much made up your mind to go too.

My last few months with liquor store guy I was finishing up community college I had all these great plans to move on to a four year school which was about an hour away from the town we lived in.  I wasn’t willing to commute because it was too far, I couldn’t afford a car and my job wouldn’t be able to keep up with that.  My comprimise with this guy was that I would live out there and come back and visit on the weekends.  He said that wouldn’t be enough, that I either stayed living him with in that town and went to a school that was closer or I could kiss the relationship goodbye, which is basically what your guy is telling you.  That if you move out there before he can join you there would  “be no trust,” that’s an ultimatum.  Basically whether he realizes it or not he is saying its either me and this town and your sh*tty job or you go off to another state with your career.

Like you I was torn but only for a half second.  There was no school closer to home that had the major I was looking for.  I was either going there or I would be giving up things to stay in that town with him.  I would have been willing to give up some things, if I didn’t have a minumum wage job, lived in a town that I really didn’t care for anymore and the relationship had been more solid.  I decided to hold out for a few more months with him while I was finishing up at the community college and started formulating a plan for establishing my new life at the school and new town.  In that time he gave me every excuse in the book for not going, and even went as far to say that I was too dumb to make it in that major and would be back in the town in less than a year.  He became more and more controlling to the point where I had to sneak out just to go volunteer at events.  The last straw was when I had to quit my job at the fast food place either than anticipated.  I knew I wouldn’t have the rent money or bill money to pay to live with him anymore and I was tired of the relationship.  My heart and soul were elsewhere focused on me and my future, a future that I knew I would never have if I stayed in that town or that tiny aparment with him.  I came home and told him that I had done everything I could and I had no choice I had to leave to do what was best for myself.  He lashed out and said I’d never make it, I told him he would find someone that was better suited for him and his lifestyle, gave him the money for the rent and the bills for that month and walked out.

I dont regret that decision not for one moment.  He still works at the liquor store (It’s been about 5 years or so since I left him.) And I went to the school, and met many people, had great adventures, and graduated and got a degree that I use to support myself.   

I know right now it must be painful and hard to see a way out.  I suggest that you gather your thoughts and really think this thorough.  Can you really stay with someone who wont listen to what you say or matches it with an excuse or a put down? And  how about what follows?  Like if you happen to stand up to him or call bullsh*t he pouts and says fine just leave then, and if you don’t run after him and say your sorry he comes back with the infamous “I’m sorry I didn’t mean it baby lets kiss and make up.”   Meanwhile your sitting there still with unresovled issues and even more frustration.

I know you say this guy won’t cheat etc etc, but he is undermining you in other ways.  He is not the only man out there who won’t cheat on you.  There are plently, the fact that all of us bees have spouses that we love and care for is proof alone that there are good men out there, and there are probably even more in the town where your job would be.

If I were you I would get sick of your FI’s behaviour real fast (and did in fact with that lousy ex).  A whole world of possibilities and unknowns awaits you in that other state.  Yes, it can be scary as hell and overwhelming, but the thing is you already know what your future would be if you stayed in the town and you know that wouldn’t satisfy you.  So what’s scarier then?  Heading out into an unknown place with a decent job offer and a future where you know  no matter what happens you know you will be able to provide for yourself?  OR staying in this town with this man, with a planned out future ahead of you that you know will never make you happy? 

Decide which scenario you can live with, then figure out a way to tell him.  If he doesn’t get it or won’t budge.  Then he’s not the guy for you.

Post # 66
Member
1114 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

If you’re offered a job, accept it and go.  If he truly loves you, he’ll follow.  If he won’t even try to make a change for you then his priorities obviously don’t include you and it’s better that you find out before you’re married.  You say that he’s a great guy because he doesn’t beat you, but he’s emotionally abusing you in other ways by belittling your worth.  You’ll find another, better guy whose ideals fit better with your own.  Besides, you need to concentrate on what you want for your future and that doesn’t actually have to include a partner at all.  You can’t respect yourself at the moment, and if you can’t respect yourself, how can anybody else respect you?

Post # 67
Member
2522 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Relationships best thrive when there are common goals, and the couple is working towards them together. It probably hurts his ego that you have the potential to outearn him, but the common goal you should share is providing for you and your future family.

That is a huge priority. If ego, or just fear of change is really more important than providing a better life and emotional happiness for his partner, that is worrysome. If he can transfer to another area with you where you can financially help your partnership, and he is flat-out saying “no,” that is foolishness on his part.

Foolishness, I say!

Post # 68
Member
587 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

View original reply
@Torrid:  I totally agree. Common goals are so huge. Fiance and I often joke that we have no common interests (which isn’t even true) but that we have HUMAN things in common. We want the same things from life and we react/feel similarly to whatever happens to us.

 

View original reply
@Pickles-Bee:  I know maybe this isn’t the point but you said you graduated a year ago. You’re young. You have a lot of life ahead of you, gd willing. If you get the offer, just go. If he wants to be with you, you guys will figure it out. And if he doesn’t, frankly, it doesn’t sound like much of a loss. Good luck!

Post # 69
Member
853 posts
Busy bee

The job issue is just a symptom of the real problem – that being that you’re fiance if selfish, unwilling to compromise, holds outdated perspectives on gender roles and overall, wants a VERY different life to you.

I can’t even begin to understand the blatant hypocrisy of his action. People who are so illogical drive me insane.

Basically it boils down to this:

* SCENARIO 1:

– Stay in your current situation. You will be in a familiar environment and be with the man you love. You will also have certainty when it comes to your prospects – low-paying job, selfish fiancee, resentment about lost opportunites over time.

* SCENARIO 2:

– Move to an unknown city. There will be uncertainty about many things including where you will live and who you will meet. Chances are it may not be great, but there is a greater possibility that it will be. You will already have a job lined up that utilizes your knowledge and skills and means that you will be able to proivde for yourself. You may or may NOT, however, have a fiance. If you do, then great – it shows he is willing to put your happiness in perspective. And if not? You will more than likely meet a great young man who shares similar goals and perpsectives and also will not cheat/degrade/abuse you. Pretty much a win/win situation, although the beginning will undeniably be a bit difficult as any change is.

 

 

Post # 70
Member
11369 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
@trueblue14:  

 

Yes, that one got my attention, too.  It hit me as manipulative.

 

There are plenty of men out there who genuinely enjoy a woman with a career.

Post # 71
Member
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Test by fire.  You know you’re not happy in your current situation and he’s not supportive of what will make you happy.  Accept the job offer 3-4 hours away and let him know he is more than welcome to move there with you.  it would take him 3-4 months to get transferred anyway and in 3-4 month he may decide he can’t live without you or you learn that he was an a$$ and that there are better guys out there who will happily support your career dreams and goals.  It’s better to find this stuff out before you get married and things get complicated with kids and houses, etc…

You know the Bees are here to support you along the way.

Post # 72
Member
2902 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Don’t you want to be the best you, you can be? You need to be with someone who lifts you up and wants you to do well. He is holding you back because he is afraid. If you marry this guy and stay in this minimum wage job you will be resentful and bored and probably divorced in a few years. That totally sucks, you are better than that!

I also agree, take one of these jobs. If he follows you and breaks out of his little self made cage then you both have a chance at being happy. 

I wanted to add, I love when my partner does well. I am his biggest cheer leader and he is mine. We drive each other to be better. It works equally for both of us and is the only type of relationship I could be in. If someone wanted to hold me back I woudl go crazy.

Post # 73
Member
69 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I agree with many of the ladies before me — relationships don’t always have to end because someone cheats or is abusive. Having incompatible life plans that aren’t easily altered (for small or big reasons) can be enough.

Add into the mix that while he may consider himself just some ‘old-fashioned’ kind of guy, that old-fashioned-ness is completely out-dated and inappropriate for your relationship. It’s not just holding doors open for ‘ladies’ behavior, it’s him telling you who you should be and where you should do it with no regard for your own desires on the subject. The ‘no trust’ and the other little comments he’s made that you’ve transcribed sound very controlling and priggish. He’s never going to change when he’s in his comfort zone (google the short story “Who Moved My Cheese”. We all get stuck in that rut, some more than others, to the point of detriment.).

If you do well on the interview, please please take the job! He’ll come to senses or he won’t — but either way you will be in a much better place personally, physically, and financially. You may love him now, but that may not always be the case. It could happen while you’re stuck in that town feeling broke and desperate or living a fun, independent life in the city.

Post # 74
Member
3580 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

DH is you in the scenario. After a couple if years of him saying ‘I’m miserable’ we finally have a 90 day plan to move. I had hoped that he would find something to love about Seattlr but he didn’t. Because DHs happiness is infinitely more important to me than staying in a beautiful city that we can’t afford, I made the decision to let him have his way. 

It may take a while but if you’re consistently vocal about your needs, he should come around if he cares for you. Good luck!!

Post # 75
Member
665 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

this is a catch 22, you will resent him for making you stay and he will resent you for making him go. You need to do whats best for you – sometimes we need to look out for #1 – make your happiness, if this means moving, then thats what you must do. If he loves you and it’s meant to be it will be the way it’s supposed to. He will either follow you (exactly what my Fiance did – he is much happier now also and likes that we can go “home” and actually enjoy it because we have more money to do that) or unfortunately he will stay put. its one of those things you have to look at long term. you only get one life, make the best of it

Post # 76
Member
3580 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

View original reply
@avonleaR:  not necessarily. I don’t resent my husband for ‘making’ me go. It’s all about priorities. If her happiness isn’t a priority, then sure he’s going to be resentful. I think he’s just scared of change. A lot of people are.

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