This situation blows!
I dated a guy like this once, he was stuck in a job in his “career,” (he worked in a liquor store as a cashier). And no intentions of leaving the small town we lived in. Your Fiance seems to have a major problem with you being succesful and wants to keep you where he has you. When I was dating lliquor store guy, I was always looking for work that was not the fast food place I worked at. One time he agreed to bring me to an interview for a job that would have paid me really well and instead he threw a hissy fit and didnt take me and argued about how I couldn’t have that job because of x,y.z. Everytime I did manage to go to a job interview he would critize my clothes, put me down etc.
Your guy isnt quite this bad but hes pooh-poohing everything you say and whining about how hard it would be for him, grasping at straws, piss poor excuses and using the” well I’m older and know better so there” line. If theres a time that any of this doesn’t work he says fine just go, but backing off when he sees you might actually go. Then as a last resort he tries to pull the trust card in that it would ruin your relationship.
This should be really easy, there should be comprimise. I know you’ve tried six ways from Sunday to explain this to this guy and he just won’t budge. It sounds like you’ve pretty much made up your mind to go too.
My last few months with liquor store guy I was finishing up community college I had all these great plans to move on to a four year school which was about an hour away from the town we lived in. I wasn’t willing to commute because it was too far, I couldn’t afford a car and my job wouldn’t be able to keep up with that. My comprimise with this guy was that I would live out there and come back and visit on the weekends. He said that wouldn’t be enough, that I either stayed living him with in that town and went to a school that was closer or I could kiss the relationship goodbye, which is basically what your guy is telling you. That if you move out there before he can join you there would “be no trust,” that’s an ultimatum. Basically whether he realizes it or not he is saying its either me and this town and your sh*tty job or you go off to another state with your career.
Like you I was torn but only for a half second. There was no school closer to home that had the major I was looking for. I was either going there or I would be giving up things to stay in that town with him. I would have been willing to give up some things, if I didn’t have a minumum wage job, lived in a town that I really didn’t care for anymore and the relationship had been more solid. I decided to hold out for a few more months with him while I was finishing up at the community college and started formulating a plan for establishing my new life at the school and new town. In that time he gave me every excuse in the book for not going, and even went as far to say that I was too dumb to make it in that major and would be back in the town in less than a year. He became more and more controlling to the point where I had to sneak out just to go volunteer at events. The last straw was when I had to quit my job at the fast food place either than anticipated. I knew I wouldn’t have the rent money or bill money to pay to live with him anymore and I was tired of the relationship. My heart and soul were elsewhere focused on me and my future, a future that I knew I would never have if I stayed in that town or that tiny aparment with him. I came home and told him that I had done everything I could and I had no choice I had to leave to do what was best for myself. He lashed out and said I’d never make it, I told him he would find someone that was better suited for him and his lifestyle, gave him the money for the rent and the bills for that month and walked out.
I dont regret that decision not for one moment. He still works at the liquor store (It’s been about 5 years or so since I left him.) And I went to the school, and met many people, had great adventures, and graduated and got a degree that I use to support myself.
I know right now it must be painful and hard to see a way out. I suggest that you gather your thoughts and really think this thorough. Can you really stay with someone who wont listen to what you say or matches it with an excuse or a put down? And how about what follows? Like if you happen to stand up to him or call bullsh*t he pouts and says fine just leave then, and if you don’t run after him and say your sorry he comes back with the infamous “I’m sorry I didn’t mean it baby lets kiss and make up.” Meanwhile your sitting there still with unresovled issues and even more frustration.
I know you say this guy won’t cheat etc etc, but he is undermining you in other ways. He is not the only man out there who won’t cheat on you. There are plently, the fact that all of us bees have spouses that we love and care for is proof alone that there are good men out there, and there are probably even more in the town where your job would be.
If I were you I would get sick of your FI’s behaviour real fast (and did in fact with that lousy ex). A whole world of possibilities and unknowns awaits you in that other state. Yes, it can be scary as hell and overwhelming, but the thing is you already know what your future would be if you stayed in the town and you know that wouldn’t satisfy you. So what’s scarier then? Heading out into an unknown place with a decent job offer and a future where you know no matter what happens you know you will be able to provide for yourself? OR staying in this town with this man, with a planned out future ahead of you that you know will never make you happy?
Decide which scenario you can live with, then figure out a way to tell him. If he doesn’t get it or won’t budge. Then he’s not the guy for you.