Post # 1
i wanted to get your advice on an issue. i’m afraid that i’m being completely psychotic (not what i’m going for) and possibly hurting a very good friend’s feelings.
said friend is one of my bridesmaids (let’s call her K), and we’re extremely close. she started dating someone MUCH younger who is a complete and total fucking moron. i’ve never seen the teenager (yes, teenager) not drunk/trying to get drunk/stealing someone’s alcohol/smoking pot/trying to get everyone around him to smoke pot. besides this, he’s a total ass – i’ve tried (as well as the rest of our girlfriends) to be nice to him, always say hello, etc. etc. and he stares at us like we have 3 heads and walks away. he’s never remotely social or polite, usually screaming and being really loud and obnoxious. he’s, in general, a slob. not only this, but above all, he’s a complete ass to her. he’s very possessive, jealous, manipulative, you get the point (reading her texts/messages, listening in on her conversations). K and I in a very tight knit group of friends, and all of us have told her that we think she’s much better off without him, but nothing seems to get through to her.
before they started dating, i told K that she was more than welcome to bring a date to the wedding. now, my fiance and i are extremely nervous about having the guy there. i’ve brought it up with her once before, but she kind of laughed it off, saying that “he can act like an adult when he wants to”. my family, while fun and easy to be around, are not going to appreciate a drunk fool screaming during the reception (or smoking pot). i asked the same group of friends if they think i’m being ridiculous because i REALLY don’t want to hurt her feelings – and all of them agreed that i’m not being nuts. they basically said that the fact that i have to worry about this is enough reason to make sure he doesn’t come. they’ve offered to ask him to leave if he does get too rowdy, but i don’t even want it to get to that point. i’m afraid that i’ll be on edge and worried the entire day about what he’ll do.
i just want to get someone’s opinion from the outside looking in. i really care about K a lot, and we’re like sisters. the last thing i want to do is hurt her feelings, but i also don’t want to have to deal with this moron.
what should i do? i’ve already brought it up with her once, and i feel like i’m beating a dead horse if i say something again.
Post # 3
You have some time before your wedding, so wait it out for now – maybe he will be out of the picture by the time it comes to send out your invites. If she brings it up before then, you can address it, but for now, I think it would be best to not say anything. I wouldn’t want this person at my wedding if I had fears about his behavior either!
Post # 4
You shouldn’t have to worry about a drunken immature teen at your wedding. Your friend should understand this. Even if she stays with him, she still has to know that he is inappropriate and will pobably be that way when he is drunk at your wedding. I would bring it up to her again and if she doesn’t take it serious I think you are going to just have to give it to her straight if you don’t want him to come. You and your friends have talked to her before about his behavior so its not going to be anything new or a big shocker that you all aren’t found of him. I know its hard, good luck!
Post # 5
I really don’t think you are being out of line at all; however, you already offered the invitation to her, so I don’t think you can go back on it now.
I think you should let the the people that have offered to ask him to leave if he gets out of control do so. I know you will still worry and probably be stressed, but I think that is your best option. Hopefully she will be broke up with him before your wedding so you won’t have to worry about it. And if she hasn’t broke up with him, hopefully she will come alone.
Post # 6
You have to talk to her about it for your piece of mind, but you can’t take back the invitation. She should be able to bring a date. It’s completely possible that she’ll be broken up with this loser and be dating a new loser you haven’t met yet who could do the same thing, but you risk that with all +1s at a wedding.
What you do need to talk to her about is what your concerns are and ask her, as a friend, to please try to address them with her BF before coming to the wedding or else you will have to ask him to leave, just like you would ask anyone acting crazy at a party to leave.
Post # 7
@noritake22: i don’t mind if she brings anyone other than him. seriously anyone.
she has no intentions of breaking up with him whatsoever. they’re “in love” and she doesn’t seem to see any of his faults. so that’s not really an option.
i just can’t believe i have to worry about someone smoking pot at a formal wedding. i mean come on.
Post # 8
@jjjanyc: You need to talk to her then friend to friend then. Explain not only your concerns for the weddings but perhaps again your concerns for her relationship with him. It is not going to be an easy conversation but if you really care about her, it is hard to sit by and watch this happen. After that, it is her decision as to what she does, but at least you have made the effort and she knows your feelings. In terms of the wedding, you tell her the expectations you have for your guests and let her know he will be removed if anything inappropriate occurs.
Post # 9
Honey your friend is not in love; she’s in LUST. I know cos I was there once and that’s when I got married the second time. Didn’t take me very long afterwards to realize I made a HUGE mistake. Luckily, I got married for the right reasons this time.
Unfortunately, you will only alienate your friend if you tell her she can’t bring the young’en. However, it is almost 6 months until your wedding day and a LOT can happen in 6 months. More than likely reality will set in at some point and it may not even be an issue by the time the wedding rolls around.
Post # 10
One of my good friends is dating an idiot too. While I’m not worried about him being obnoxious, I know seeing him will be akward. I told him awhile ago that he was treating my friend like shit, and well, she’s still with him. So it will be weird seeing him at the wedding. I pretty much have to let him come though. I don’t know why he wants to come, but I feel like I can’t tell my friend she can’t bring her BF, especially because they live together. I guess it will be a grin and bear it type of thing.
Post # 11
You need to talk to her in a mature and private way and try to convey your feelings to her. Let her know that while you love her you feel that her BF is disrespectful to both her and her friends and that you do not want the atmosphere that he creates at your wedding. I would brace yourself though, she may react in a both of us or none kinda way. She is going to have to learn for herself that he is not good for her and all you can do as a friend is listen to her and support her. Good luck and I hope things work out for the best!!!
Post # 12
I agree with a lot of the other posters that you should talk to her and let her know your concerns closer to the date. You’ve got almost 6 months till the wedding and a lot can change till then, especially if he’s as immature as he’s acting.
Post # 13
if he is a young enough teenager could you set an age limit? 😉
Post # 14
Do you have any sort of security at your event?
We’re required to have one police officer. So I’m assuming if you were in the same situation he would be removed if obviously intoxicated or causing any sort of problem. Plus you could make sure he wasn’t allowed to drink AT you actual wedding.
Based on his behaviour maybe he’ll get arrested before the wedding… 🙂
Post # 15
Talk to your friend about the issue. Then stick one of the groomsman on him – as a watchdog for potential chaos before it starts.
Post # 16
It’ll be rude to not allow him to come if they’re still dating no matter how much you don’t like him. You can talk to her about your concerns about him and tells her to keep him in line or away from you on the wedding day. I’m sure you’ll be too busy to notice him the day of.