- 5 years ago
- Wedding: August 2014
Hello fellow bees,
First of all please be kind in your posts. This is very hard for me to open up to everyone about this. I guess I need to give you some background of our history so you can understand more of where I am coming from. I have been with my fiance for just over 5 years. This is only my 3rd relationship. The 2 relationships prior were both emotionally and physically abusive and manipulative. When I got into this relationship with my fiance I knew he seemed different than other guys, which I thought was a good thing because I didn’t want to go through what I did before. My father is a pastor and both my parents were very conservative. They have been married about 46 years. They have always only had eyes for each other and they had very sturdy boundaries when it came to dealings with the opposite sex to protect their marriage. I never once say my father “checking out” other woman or being flirtatious in any way. He was very respectful to my mother. If he was meeting with a female friend he would bring my mother with etc.
When I met my fiance I was attracted to the fact that he spoke his mind – it seemed to be that what you saw is what you got. That was attractive because both previous relationships I was in they were very deceiving, manipulative etc. and I was so nieve. I didn’t want to be blind sided. So this man who is now my fiance has a very free spirit about him. He grew up as a player, and went through many women. But when I met him he was 42 years old (I am 16 years younger than him), and he had still never had kids, been married, engaged, or even never lived with a woman. He had his fair share of women and yes did have one serious relationship but they hardly saw each other because she would travel the world and be away for school etc. so he had plenty of space and alone time. I know he did love her, and she left him for another guy (this was about 12 years ago) – and he was hurt for like 5 years over her – so he went back into just playing around. He also worked on the rigs for 14 years – which didn’t help – that was a common lifestyle to just play around.
So right before my fiance met me he got to the point when he realized he wanted more in his life. A relationship with substance. I had recently left my previous abusive marriage and had 2 children and was in a dark place in my life. He came in – basically looked like a night in shining armour to me. Said all these wonderful things. My spirit was pretty crushed before and he was a free spirit who encouraged me to be independant and confident etc. Something I haven’t been in so long. Anyways, he was good to me…BUT there were habits/traits that he still had from living the bachelor/player life for so long. He had a big social life (which is good) – every girl was attracted to his outgoing personality and because he would be outgoing and joking and seemed excited to talk to them, and yes he would “Check them out” – girls thought he was interested in them. He’s always had wondering eyes and it’s something that has always bothered me. I’m trying to let it go by realizing that he is with me. But it is something i’m SO not used to because of coming from such a conservative family and i’ve never been around this. I know logically it seems pretty normal for guys to be checking out girls – because they are human…but it still bothers me. I think it stems from the first year or two of our relationship. At first our relationship was long distance. I was so in love with him. He was slower to come around. He realized I had a huge heart and loved him in a way he’s never had and that I was a “good woman” as he says. He did know he wanted it, but it was still a struggle for him. So we would converse over facebook and phone for the first 5 months of our relationship. So he ran out of money in Vancouver and had to move in with me in the basement suite I was living in at the time. The fisrt night he had to move in – he had a panic attack…yes, a full blown on panic attack because he was technically living with a woman….and a woman who had 2 kids (ages 1 and 3). HUGE adjustment I know. So I give him big credit for making it through that. lol
Well he left his facebook on one time and I saw the conversations he was having with other women, and he was telling them he was still single and they should meet up for beer etc. and being flirtatious. I also found out he was still on single sites and conversing with women on there and adding them on facebook. I called him out on it and I was pretty hurt, and he did feel bad and tried to taper his habits. He never did meet up with any of these women. He could never bring himself to do it. He was home every night after work. It took us a year for him to acknowledge on facebook that he was in a relationship – and it took a fight for him to do that. But he did stop conversing with the other women within the first year of our relationship. I was hurt and felt “cheated on” even though he didn’t meet with these women or have any physical contact. he said he would go on to look at these women because of “curiousity”. But he did make changes as far as trying to become a “family man”. He was superficial in the beginning…he would ask me about my insecurities and I told him it was my boobs and my nose and instead of telling me I was perfect the way I was he told me I should go get my nose done and get a boob job then. I know he wasn’t trying to hurtful…he said he thought it would give me confidence. He brought it up a few times throughout the years…so I couldn’t get it off my mind. So a year ago, I did go and get the work done – and yes it did make me feel better and more confident. BUT I still struggle with jealousy. BUT he never emotionally or physically cheated on me. He does check out women quite often. The things that bothered me the most was that he would go on random profiles on facebook to check out womens photos – bikini photos/modelling pictures etc. Women he didn’t even know. It really hurt me and I cried infront of him about it…because it hurt that I would communicate how it made me feel and he would still do it. But then he said I was trying to change who he is. But this is a habit – I don’t think it’s who he is. He stopped but would cave into it every so often. After 5 years I think he has finally gotten to the place where he doesn’t surf the internet to check out women’s facebook profiles/photos. I mean I may be over the top with it – because he didn’t message any of these women or make any contact whatsoever, it was just looking at pictures quite often. But it still made me feel horrible. I got into modelling – doing pictures that he liked etc., and he does tell me i’m attractive…but he has a hard time talking about any emotional love feelings with me. He tells me I should know he loves me because he has stayed with me this long and is going to marry me next year, he does cook for me often and fix my car and babysit the kids so I can see friends, stopped watching porn etc. so he does do other things to show he cares. I know he would never go out to the bar and end up going home with them or hooking up – but he would be flirtatious to a certain degree….give them a lot of attention etc. try to impress them, make them laugh – he gets excited about it – he loves the attention (and probably misses getting it from so many people)…and he would be overly attracted to them BUT I do think he would tell people he had a girlfriend if they asked. So I mean he has been technically faithful, but he does check out women to the point where it really hurts – and so he says it’s my issue because i’m just being jealous – which yes I see I do struggle with it…but I don’t know how to get better. I see yes he did some things to start the jealousy in the first part of the relationship but he has settled down for the most part…but I still struggle with jealousy…and anxiety issues with the related topic. Like I think I have gone to the extreme now – like assuming some movies he’s watching on tv he wouldn’t normally watch – but he’ll watch it because it focuses on a hot woman. I know it’s silly for me to think this way…but I can’t help those feelings to come up.
He has friends who are girls – and they are actual friends for many years – I don’t have a problem with that – everyone should have friends boys and girls. I have no problems with his female friends – because they are just friends. But I think he checks out other girls more than any other guy i’ve known. But he has always struggled with expressing love emotions. He does things to take care of us to show he cares instead. It was also a struggle for him to get to the point of getting married…but he is doing it. But he still says he’s not a very good family guy. Part of my problem is that I fell in love with him from the very beginning…and I think he “learned” to love me over time…so it’s a bit different and a different love he had for his ex. But deep down we do love each other. Does anyone else struggle with this? How can I get rid of this insane jealousy? Please be kind. I know I need help with my issues and I do want to get past these issues so we can be happy. Thank you for your help. And SORRY this post is so long!