Post # 1
Member
19 posts
Newbee
Hi Bees, I genuinely am in need of some perspective/advice. Here we go..I finished school a year ago in the healthcare field. During school I met my boyfriend and we have been together for 5 yrs already. After our graduation we moved to the UK (my idea). With his degree it is easier for him to convert it and start working, which he has been for the past year. With mine, it’s much trickier and so far it;s taken months and I still haven’t been registered yet. Since not working in my field I have taken on all the house chores/duties and became quite depressed since I am not fulfilling my full potential as my career goes. My first dilema is that my boyfriend knows I want to get engaged soon, we are in our late 20’s, have been together for awhile, he asked my parents for permission and talks about “our” future i.e. house, kids. I made it clear with him that I want a marriage and children before 30 and if he doesnt see his life that way thats okay but we should look for someone who wants the same things before its too late. The problem is I dont see any initiative to propose, when probed by anyone he says it’s not the right time. I’m the type who thinks it could never be the right time, and if you know you should make the commitment. For example he says he wants to save a lot more money but I know he has it and spends it on computer parts or the microsoft tablets. I get quite a lot of pressure from family to stop playing house and at least get engaged, and I agree with them, I never thought I would be in this situation its making me loose my self worth a little bit and it hurts.
My second dilema is my parents and even today my boyfriends mom called me and expressed to me that maybe I should look for a job in my field i the country I finished school, at least for awhile. I’m not sure wha I should do, I understand in my field I need to practice my skills, but I will be likely registered in 3-4 months here. On the other hand I am considering leaving to work and maybe for my boyfriend to see what he is missing, on another hand I dont want to leave him, in the mean time i found a temp entry level job. If I were to leave it would be a very hard conversation, my boyfriend would feel betrayed which would be a sour situation. And unltimately I guess Im afraid we would eventually separate. If you were in my situation, what would you do? Any and all advice is appreciated
Post # 2
Member
2597 posts
Sugar bee
1. Marriage will not save you from feelings of self-worth. I don’t think that the problem is the waiting; I think that it’s your career and lifestlye.
2. I don’t have too much experience working in another country, but I’ve got friends who do, and it can be very, very hard. In general, the reason it’s hard is because a UK company has to claim to the UK government that there is no UK citizen who can do the job and therefore, they must hire a foreign national, and it puts this burden of paperwork on the company. And this is AFTER you get your work visa. Most businesses would rather not bother than deal with this. It’s also why it’s easier if you are truly skilled (ie, a hospital can more effectively argue that they need this particular surgeon who is an expert at an obscure treatment, than a newspaper can argue they really need a foreign copy-editor). I don’t really know the healthcare field and what you mean by “registered”–does that mean something equivalent to “licensed,” meaning, you have some sort of certification and can *then* go out to get a job? Because consider whether it is in fact easier to find a job after you’re registered–it may not be quite as easy as you assume.
3. Don’t ever leave someone “to show them what they are missing.” That can and does backfire. Leave because you’re doing something important for YOURSELF, and from what you are saying, the advice for you to return to the country where you got your degree is not a bad one. That’s your career! Staying in the UK to temp and play house just so you can be with a boyfriend when you could really get started on your career doesn’t seem like the best move, although I would certainly understand if you chose to do that. But either way, DO NOT make your move about HIM; make it about YOU and what’s best for YOU.
4. Why did you choose to move to the UK in the first place? I mean, I can understand why the BF would feel “betrayed” if you wanted to move there and he followed you and then you upped and left, but if you guys are married material, then there is something to be said for the fact that you know, unexpected things happen. Would you have known that your career opportunities would be so limited? A marriage has to withstand things like someone saying they’ll be a SAMP and then realizing they’re not happy doing that and someone else saying they’re fine moving to Austin and then realizing it’s not the right place for them. So if he writes you off wholesale because you suggest that maybe it’s not working out as planned, I’d rethink committing to this guy just yet.
Post # 3
Member
3302 posts
Sugar bee
If your bf’s mother is suggesting you leave, I’d take that advice very seriously. It’s likely that she knows her son is not going to propose. Some mother’s know their sons quite well. Your bf has no right to feel “betrayed” if he hasn’t put a ring on it yet.
Post # 4
Member
899 posts
Busy bee
It was your idea to move to the UK….why? Why move to another country with a man who hasn’t even proposed to you yet? That sounds insane to me. Also, were you not prepared to face these challanges when you decided to move? Or did you just not think it would be this bad?
And now you are thinking of leaving your boyfriend in a foreign country after you convinced him to move there in the first place? Again, this seems….very poor planning on your part, both in terms of personal and occupational issues.
You need to tell him upfront that you are sick of this situation, that you want to be married, and you are thinking of leaving the country if he doesn’t.
If it’s a dud, good riddance. This entire trip was poor planned and maybe you can pick your life back up back in your home country.
Post # 5
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee
You know you can propose to him, right?
Post # 6
Member
270 posts
Helper bee
My genuine advice would be to sit down and have a really honest conversation with your bf and tell him everything that you have told us. I personally think it is unfair for a man to talk about a future with a woman, but go for years, without proposing. It’s not like you are young or haven’t been together long. It sounds like you two need to express your thoughts and feelings with each other so you know clearly where you stand, and then you can make a more informed decision about your future.
Post # 7
Member
1296 posts
Bumble bee
Is anyone in this relationship actually from the UK?
Post # 8
Member
370 posts
Helper bee
- Wedding: October 2017 - Wedgewood Tower Club
Like previous posters have said, I’d sit down and have a frank discussion with him. Tell him about your feelings of low self-worth and unhappiness. Let him know you’re considering looking for work back home. Politely remind him of the future he keeps mentioning.
If you’re in a relationship with someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, you should be able to sit down and have the hard talks.
Post # 9
Member
2316 posts
Buzzing bee
In this situation I would do what is best for you. Do not think about what is best for your relationship-just you. What do you want beyond getting engaged and having kids? What do you need to feel fulfilled as a person regardless of circumstances beyond your control? Once you figure that out everything will fall into place as it should be.
Post # 10
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee
- Wedding: October 2019 - City, State
I say, tell him everything you’ve just told us. Let him know how you feel and make him realise the seriousness of his inaction. It would be unfair to just tell him you plan on leaving without giving him a chance first to make you happy.
also, can you get another job while you search for a position in your field? Even if it is part time? That may help your self-worth.
Post # 11
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
missdoubtfire: So….he is holding down a job and you aren’t because it’s not in your field? He has to propose because that’s how it’s supposed to be? He has to give up his hobbies because he has to buy you a ring on your timeline? Marriage is a two way street. Sit down and communicate. Pressuring him makes you look like you got a ring because you bugged him not because he couldn’t live without you. So sit him down and tell him your job ideas. He already knows you want to be married.
You take care of you. Get a job you can do while you wait for your registry. Get out of the house. Get a hobby. Do something other than sitting and waiting for everything.
It will happen. It all will happen. Just do what YOU need to and he will fall into place. Strong confident women are sexy. Be that confident woman that HE needs and HE should wait for just as much as you are waiting for him.
If you going to another country to keep up your learnings is the REAL and ONLY reason you go to another country then do it. If you only want to do it to make him realise what he is missing? That isn’t loving that is malicious and no way to start a marriage.
Post # 12
Member
205 posts
Helper bee
Job and international related stuff aside, I get what you are saying about your SO. Yeah she should find hobbies and live her own life, of course, but even the strongest most independent woman can get a little beat down when a man talks about being with her forever and pursuing a future with her and then drag his feet. It should be happening and it’s not yet you love him and hope and trust it’s coming though you’ve been long ready for it. There is some level of hurt there when you love a man who hasn’t proposed yet.
Post # 13
Member
19 posts
Newbee
Thank You to everyone who commented. I value everyones opinion, and try to see everyside. I know in my heart i would never want to leave my SO just to show him what he is missing however right after i talk with my mom or my SO mom and get this “advise” i cant help but think…is this something I should consider? Especially because I trust and respect these women. However I also have to realize maybe that advice is not very mature or best for my situation. I was always quite confident about myself but i think this past year has tainted the way i value myself a bit unfortunately, and I probably have been so eager to get engaged as a sign of validation.
In the past few weeks, there has been a lot going on. After readying all your comments I had a heart to heart with my SO. I told him how I felt about getting engaged, working here or going away for a while etc etc. It was serous and a much needed convo. In the end I decided to drop thinking about getting engaged and only focus on my career and relathionship. We agreed that if me moving for 2 or 3 months would help my career then that would be the best, however I learned I would need to set up a “company” in my own name and that in itself would take longer than me recieving my papers here in England. In about 3 months we will be moving an hour north to a town that is less expensive and my SO has a job post waiting for him. I have recieved my licence to work and am filling resumes around the area to have a job once we move up there. We are excited because it will be closer to his cousins. In the mean time I have my temp job here.
Also, my SO bought an engagement ring and its being shipped out this week! He just came to me one night and asked me to save him a picture of the ring I would like the most. Even though I know that I will be getting engaged I have no idea how or when and Im so excited. Whenever I have a rough day, or am stuck walking in the rainy UK weather, I just think, Ill be engaged to my boyfriend soon and I smile everytime 🙂