(Closed) I need your genuine advice…complicated decision

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
2597 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

1. Marriage will not save you from feelings of self-worth. I don’t think that the problem is the waiting; I think that it’s your career and lifestlye. 

2. I don’t have too much experience working in another country, but I’ve got friends who do, and it can be very, very hard. In general, the reason it’s hard is because a UK company has to claim to the UK government that there is no UK citizen who can do the job and therefore, they must hire a foreign national, and it puts this burden of paperwork on the company. And this is AFTER you get your work visa. Most businesses would rather not bother than deal with this. It’s also why it’s easier if you are truly skilled (ie, a hospital can more effectively argue that they need this particular surgeon who is an expert at an obscure treatment, than a newspaper can argue they really need a foreign copy-editor). I don’t really know the healthcare field and what you mean by “registered”–does that mean something equivalent to “licensed,” meaning, you have some sort of certification and can *then* go out to get a job? Because consider whether it is in fact easier to find a job after you’re registered–it may not be quite as easy as you assume. 

3. Don’t ever leave someone “to show them what they are missing.” That can and does backfire. Leave because you’re doing something important for YOURSELF, and from what you are saying, the advice for you to return to the country where you got your degree is not a bad one. That’s your career! Staying in the UK to temp and play house just so you can be with a boyfriend when you could really get started on your career doesn’t seem like the best move, although I would certainly understand if you chose to do that. But either way, DO NOT make your move about HIM; make it about YOU and what’s best for YOU. 

4. Why did you choose to move to the UK in the first place? I mean, I can understand why the BF would feel “betrayed” if you wanted to move there and he followed you and then you upped and left, but if you guys are married material, then there is something to be said for the fact that you know, unexpected things happen. Would you have known that your career opportunities would be so limited? A marriage has to withstand things like someone saying they’ll be a SAMP and then realizing they’re not happy doing that and someone else saying they’re fine moving to Austin and then realizing it’s not the right place for them. So if he writes you off wholesale because you suggest that maybe it’s not working out as planned, I’d rethink committing to this guy just yet. 

Post # 3
3302 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

If your bf’s mother is suggesting you leave, I’d take that advice very seriously. It’s likely that she knows her son is not going to propose. Some mother’s know their sons quite well. Your bf has no right to feel “betrayed” if he hasn’t put a ring on it yet. 

Post # 4
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

It was your idea to move to the UK….why? Why move to another country with a man who hasn’t even proposed to you yet? That sounds insane to me. Also, were you not prepared to face these challanges when you decided to move? Or did you just not think it would be this bad?

And now you are thinking of leaving your boyfriend in a foreign country after you convinced him to move there in the first place? Again, this seems….very poor planning on your part, both in terms of personal and occupational issues.

You need to tell him upfront that you are sick of this situation, that you want to be married, and you are thinking of leaving the country if he doesn’t.

If it’s a dud, good riddance. This entire trip was poor planned and maybe you can pick your life back up back in your home country.

Post # 5
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

You know you can propose to him, right?

Post # 6
270 posts
Helper bee

My genuine advice would be to sit down and have a really honest conversation with your bf and tell him everything that you have told us. I personally think it is unfair for a man to talk about a future with a woman, but go for years, without proposing. It’s not like you are young or haven’t been together long. It sounds like you two need to express your thoughts and feelings with each other so you know clearly where you stand, and then you can make a more informed decision about your future.  

Post # 7
1296 posts
Bumble bee

Is anyone in this relationship actually from the UK?

Post # 8
370 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017 - Wedgewood Tower Club

Like previous posters have said, I’d sit down and have a frank discussion with him. Tell him about your feelings of low self-worth and unhappiness. Let him know you’re considering looking for work back home. Politely remind him of the future he keeps mentioning.

If you’re in a relationship with someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, you should be able to sit down and have the hard talks.

Post # 9
2316 posts
Buzzing bee

In this situation I would do what is best for you. Do not think about what is best for your relationship-just you.  What do you want beyond getting engaged and having kids?  What do you need to feel fulfilled as a person regardless of circumstances beyond your control? Once you figure that out everything will fall into place as it should be.  

Post # 10
126 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

I say, tell him everything you’ve just told us. Let him know how you feel and make him realise the seriousness of his inaction. It would be unfair to just tell him you plan on leaving without giving him a chance first to make you happy.


also, can you get another job while you search for a position in your field? Even if it is part time? That may help your self-worth. 

Post # 11
606 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
missdoubtfire:  So….he is holding down a job and you aren’t because it’s not in your field? He has to propose because that’s how it’s supposed to be? He has to give up his hobbies because he has to buy you a ring on your timeline? Marriage is a two way street. Sit down and communicate. Pressuring him makes you look like you got a ring because you bugged him not because he couldn’t live without you. So sit him down and tell him your job ideas. He already knows you want to be married.

You take care of you. Get a job you can do while you wait for your registry. Get out of the house. Get a hobby. Do something other than sitting and waiting for everything. 

It will happen. It all will happen. Just do what YOU need to and he will fall into place. Strong confident women are sexy. Be that confident woman that HE needs and HE should wait for just as much as you are waiting for him.

If you going to another country to keep up your learnings is the REAL and ONLY reason you go to another country then do it. If you only want to do it to make him realise what he is missing? That isn’t loving that is malicious and no way to start a marriage.

Post # 12
205 posts
Helper bee

Job and international related stuff aside, I get what you are saying about your SO. Yeah she should find hobbies and live her own life, of course, but even the strongest most independent woman can get a little beat down when a man talks about being with her forever and pursuing a future with her and then drag his feet. It should  be happening and it’s not yet you love him and hope and trust it’s coming though you’ve been long ready for it. There is some level of hurt there when you love a man who hasn’t proposed yet. 

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