(Closed) I need your help bees! I want to be engaged.

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 32
Member
2571 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@rararachael:  Welcome to the hive dear!

I read your original post and following updates, and you posed a very valid question as to what the hold-up is for your SO if the ring and wedding are already covered.

I posted this on another Waiting thread where the OP was wondering what the hold-up was with her SO, and the SO said, “Money.” This was my response:

However, look at it this way: When you get married, you no longer think about just yourself long-term. You are thinking for two (and three and four when/if the kids come). Why is it important to be financially stable before marriage? Here are some reasons:

1) Job loss – When you are married, and your spouse loses his/her job, you will probably need to cover for both of you $$$wise until the spouse finds something else (and in many cases, they may be stuck with something lower-paying). Same goes for you if you lose your job. The spouse will cover for you until you find another one.

2) Health issues – Heaven forbid, if your spouse gets sick, those medical bills will impact both of you. If you get sick – heaven forbid – those medical bills will hit your spouse.

3) Kids – It costs thousands a year to raise a child. Thousands. There is a reason that there is a stereotype of parents always being frazzled and broke – b/c kids are a time suck and a money suck.

4) Financial security usually leads to creditworthiness – When you get married, I am assuming that you will be making some big joint purchases (house, maybe car(s)). Your spouse’s credit rating will affect you, and your credit rating will affect your spouse. Maybe your SO isn’t happy with his credit rating/what he can bring to the table at the moment, hence the extended timeline.

5) Life in general. Crap happens. However, what your spouse owes, you owe and vice versa. This is why it’s essential that you be prepared.

I’m not even married, and I was able to get these reasons. I’m sure there are many more reasons if married/engaged bees want to chime in.

I hope this helps!

Post # 33
Member
1459 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - Bristol zoo

i don’t understand the bee sometimes XD sometimes posters are all for the girl (who is possibly younger than 24 and/or the relationship hasn’t been as long) getting engaged and sometimes, as here, everyone says she’s too young and/or rushing.

 

I’m not advocating jumping into an engagement prematurely but I’m sure you’re at a good point in your life to be talking about it seriously, and the majority of engagements I see are of a fair length (I.e. if you got engaged tomorrow you’ll most likely be 25 or 26 when you get married).

How have you guys been talking about this? πŸ™‚ is it fairly light-hearted “aw I’d love to marry you someday” or more serious? Perhaps if it’s been quite light-hearted so far it wouldn’t be ridiculous of you to ask him how he’s feeling about it right now? If he has any ideas for the future, perhaps if you Know that he doesn’t feel ready now but could see himself being ready in 1/2/3 years it’ll put your mind at reast a little? Maybe he doesn’t even realise you’ve been thinking about it XD

 

i do agree that 22 is young for a guy, but my school friend got married last december, her husband was 20 when he proposed and married at 22. It’s not like there aren’t exceptions πŸ™‚ all the best to you xx

Post # 34
Member
1133 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

We have the exact same age gap. I am 24, SO is 22, but we’ve been together for 4 years. HE has been the one who was eager to get engaged, had saved up for my ring for a year, had it custom made, and just received it last week.  So age IMO isn’t a factor.

I think it’s moreso just feeling overall ready. This could include financial reasons, etc.  The PP who posted the reasons were spot on I think.  Just enjoy your time together now!  I pushed engagement back because I know while it may be free now, eventually bills will pile up.  So possibly he’s not ready for that yet.

Post # 35
Member
1540 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@MaidMarian:  I think the bigger thing is his age, rather than hers. I definitely think that some guys are ready for it before others, so no one on here can say for sure what his reason is.

Personally, both my SO and I agreed anything younger than 25 to get married is too young, even though we lived together since 21.

It might not be that he’s not “ready” to commit, because living together is a big commitment too, he may just not know what the rush is. Also, 2 years isn’t that long at a early-mid 20’s age.

Post # 36
Member
47 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Maybe you could talk with him about it.  I know guys hate having “talks,” but if you can ease into it, you may have a better idea about what he’s thinking.  It would also give you a chance to express how you feel about marriage and your relationship πŸ™‚

Post # 37
Member
1459 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - Bristol zoo

@memo:  there are still several comments directed at her age, and it’s fine to think she’s young – she is! πŸ™‚ but it just seems annoying when I’ve seen other threads recently where a younger girl has been encouraged to seek out the proposal.

 

all the things you mentioned are why I suggested having a serious (non-pressuring) talk about it, if they haven’t already, things can only be better with open communication right? πŸ˜€

Post # 38
Member
7430 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

Having a free ring and a free wedding doesn’t mean that he’s ready to marry you. He’s only 22! I didn’t know many guys who were ready for marriage at 22…

Post # 39
Member
342 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@rararachael:  Maybe he is waiting until after college, just so there isn’t any distractions. Just be patient and it will come soon enough. πŸ™‚

 

Post # 40
Member
1540 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@MaidMarian:  I guess the variety in comments just depends on who is logged on that day lol

I agree about having a talk with her SO. I don’t think it’s too early for that!

Post # 41
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Hmm, you talk a lot about the wedding/engagement not costing him a thing. It sounds like the money is not the issue here then! For some reason he does not want to get married yet, whether because he is not 100% sure or because he thinks you both are too young. If I were you, I would continue building a strong relationship and forget about the engagement for a while.

Post # 43
Member
922 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@rararachael: Wow this was like de ja vu for me!  I was you at 22!  I had a boyfriend of 2 years then (he was 24), and all I wanted was to get engaged and marry him and have children.  He wasn’t ready then so I backed off.  So, 2 more years went by with no engagement and we drifted farther apart, so I broke it off.  You can’t push your boyfriend; it’ll just drive him farther away.  I am 29 now (yes that’s probably an old lady to you) but boy am I glad I didn’t marry that young or to that guy.  I am so thankful now to know what I do, have the career I do, and am stable in every aspect of my life.

Post # 45
Member
1935 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@rararachael:  dude. He’s a 22 year old guy. I would say it’s pretty rare for a man of that age to be in the “settling down” mindset. Which isn’t to say it doesn’t happen, but you’re 24. CALM DOWN. Enjoy this phase of your life, because this could potentially be the last time you’re “dating.” Check out the waiting boards, and be realistic about your life and timeline. 

Btw – just because the ring and the wedding are “free” doesn’t mean that a proposal is easy. Marriage is expensive. You know those nice tax returns you get? Kiss them goodbye. There’s a reason it’s called the “marriage penalty.” 

Post # 46
Member
295 posts
Helper bee

getting married will cost him nothing? An engagement/marriage isn’t just about money. He has to be ready to make the commitment and at his age it might be a big step so don’t push it, you will regret it later. Let him do things according to his time scedule.  

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