- 4 years ago
Hello Bees. I first posted back in January when my then-boyfriend and I were taking a “break,” which turned into a horrible and nasty break up only a couple of weeks later. I received sound advice from you ladies then, and after dealing with my feelings about the whole situation, I’m looking for some further advice, reassurance, comfort, or whatever you are willing and/or able to offer. Apologies in advance for this novel-length post.
In summary, I had been with my ex for 5 years. We had many highs and lows throughout the relationship. We did long distance for 2 of those years, during which I was pretty much his only emotional support during a very difficult period (he was doing his residency in his last choice of program, last choice of location, etc…and felt extremely angry, frustrated, and isolated). When we were finally able to live not only in the same city, but in the same house together, I thought we’d be golden. Things didn’t turn out that way.
While I was trying to figure things out with my living situation after he kicked me out of his house this January, he kept our two dogs for two months. He said that I could come over to visit them whenever I wanted, but made things VERY uncomfortable for me if I did so. So I was only able to see them a few times during those two months.
It’s hard to explain if you don’t know me if in real life, but my dogs mean everything to me. I can’t imagine my life without them…they bring me SO much joy. Not being with them on a regular basis was very difficult for me.
When I finally did manage to find suitable accommodations – a feat in and of itself in a city where more landlords won’t rent to pet owners – I was able to take back both dogs. He didn’t fight it, but he wasn’t thrilled about it either. One dog I had before we lived together, but the other one we bought when we moved here. She is his baby, and I knew he would miss her terribly. But I wasn’t willing to entertain the idea of “visitation” until I at least got settled into my new place and grounded myself emotionally.
A little over a month after I moved into my apartment, I decided to give the ex a call regarding our dog. I told him that I knew he loved her and missed her, and although I wasn’t comfortable yet with the idea of him just picking her up and taking her away for the weekend, he was welcome to come over and take her for walks, etc. He was not pleased with this plan at all. He started saying that I was being selfish, unfair, and that I always had to have things go my way.
Hearing this TOTALLY set me off. Why? Oh, let me count the ways…
1) Before officially breaking up, I found out he had kept an active dating profile for at least the last 3 years of our relationship. He said he never cheated or met anyone through it…but Jesus, it doesn’t take a genius to see that that is a SUPER shady and selfish move on his part.
2) I went back to school when we moved at the ex’s request, since he didn’t respect what I had been doing for work previously, and wanted me to have a more solid career (I had worked for the federal government for 4 years, and then as a fundraiser for a think-tank). I agreed to it, and the mountain of debt it would put me in. I know now that I shouldn’t have done this just to please him. Again, very selfish on his part.
3) My ex is the king of “It’s my way or the highway” for pretty much everything – extremely controlling, though he would deny this. Example (one out of a million): When we would go grocery shopping, and I would want to buy fruits such as strawberries, he would almost always refuse because “they weren’t a good price.” $5 for a pound of strawberries might be much for some…but he makes over $400K a year. How ridiculous is that?
Anyway, back to my story…I pretty much lost my shit on him over the phone. He put me through so much pain and misery (which I can’t even begin to touch on in this post) and here I was trying to take the high road to let him see the dogs, even though seeing him at any point now and in the future would be extremely painful for me – and he was calling me unfair? This degenerated into a huge discussion. He then basically told me that when I had moved out, he felt so much happier without me around and knew then that he never wanted me in his house ever again. He then proceeded to tell me that he no longer loved me, and that in fact he had NEVER loved me. He said all this in a very calm tone, no screaming, no swearing…just straight up honesty.
I was pretty much shattered and speechless at this point. I hung up, and that’s the last time I spoke to him (over a month and a half ago).
Having had a few weeks to process this conversation, I can say that those words… “I never loved you”…although they cut through me, they made SENSE. Someone who loves you will not constantly put you down. Someone who loves you will not drag you onto a scale and then tell you how disappointed he is with the number that pops up. Someone who loves you will not shit all over your family, who have been nothing but kind to him. Someone who loves you will not call you lazy or make you feel stupid at every turn.
So it all makes sense now.
But here’s the part that I’m having trouble wrapping my head around. I have always had this deep-seated fear that no one would ever love me, as long as I can remember. That I would never be smart enough, pretty enough, interesting enough, engaging enough. That there is something so fundamentally wrong with the person that I am, that no one would ever feel any sort of romantic attachment towards me.
And his words further cemented that fear. It feels like a “fact” more than a “feeling” now.
I’m having difficulty moving on from this. Of course, my friends and family have made all the requisite remarks… “Well, he’s a jerk! Don’t listen to him!” But I just can’t seem to shake it.
Has any one of you ever experienced the feeling that you would never be loved? Or worse, did someone ever confirm this feeling? Were you able to move past it?