(Closed) "I never loved you"

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
8919 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

virtuevictorious:  This advice is more for other people who might be in this situation, or in the situation you were in a month and a half ago: This is why when you leave a toxic person, you should leave 100% and never look back. Sorry but dogs are not a good enough reason to keep in contact with someone like this. Kids, ok, yeah you’d pretty much be stuck. But if he’s this big an asshole, you AND the dogs would be better off without him.

OP, just because HE didn’t love you, that doesn’t mean nobody will love you. Something really important to remember though, is that respect is just as important as love. It’s perfectly possible that he DID love you, but it’s a moot point anyway because he clearly never respected you. When someone disrespects you, leave. Don’t put up with it. I guess maybe if it happens less than once a year and he’s respectful and loving the rest of the time, I guess maybe that could be ok. But more than once a year and I would be gone with no regrets. There are too many people in the world who will love you AND respect you, and therefore treat you right. You’ll find someone, just don’t be afraid to leave when someone shows you they’re not worth staying with.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  Daisy_Mae.
Post # 3
119 posts
Blushing bee

You will be loved again. But the fact is: You are loved. You are loved right now. Think of all the people in your life who are happy to see you, share their time with you. Friends, family, your doggies, neighbors, co-workers, so much love in your life right this second. Full and overflowing.


dude just knew a pain point and pushed on it. What an ass. I also suspect he is not happy in himself and that’s why he pressured you to change, go to school, stand on the scale (I dated one of those scale demanding guys also and I was never good enough about nails, dresses, anything!)

the best revenge is a life well lived.

Post # 4
3434 posts
Sugar bee

You can’t think that no one will ever love you because 1- it is just not true and 2 – you will find yourself dating jerks who don’t love you because you don’t think you deserve it.

Post # 5
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Cut off all contact.  Focus on being happy with yourself.  You will find someone who deserves you and loves you the way you deserve to be loved. I’m sure you already have loving friends and family.  My philosophy is if something makes me unhappy or makes me doubt myself, I cut it out of my life.  It’s extremely difficult, but you need to occupy your time with things that have nothing to do with your ex and things that make you feel good about yourself.  DO NOT replay the conversations, situations, fights, etc., that made you feel like crap. It takes time but time will heal.  I felt this way with my ex and I wish I hadn’t spent all that time feeling unloved because now I’m married to the love of my life and I have always had wonderful and supportive family and friends.  I hope it all works out for you.

Post # 6
337 posts
Helper bee

He never gave himself the chance to truly fall in love with you if he had that dating profile for that long. In order to love someone, you must open yourself up and give yourself completely to that person, and he never gave himself completely to you. This is not your fault!! You ARE capable of being loved, and you already ARE loved by your friends and family. Their comments to you reflect that. I am sorry you are feeling this way, and I am sorry this jackass knew you well enough to know exactly what to say to hurt you.

Post # 7
907 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

He didn’t really love you. You are worthy of being loved.

I am very sorry this happened to you. Things will get better–I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but it will. 

Post # 8
2249 posts
Buzzing bee

Oftentimes, people who have self-esteem issues are easy to spot. You can see it in their behavior and hear it in how they speak about themselves or other people. Many abusers are attracted to this kind of person. Some abusers seek out people with self-esteem issues purposefully, others don’t. Many don’t fully understand that they are abusive. This man is an abuser. 

This is not some regular guy saying, “I don’t love you. I never did”, because he felt that he needed to be honest after all this time. He didn’t say what he said to be honest. He said this because he knew it would get under your skin, because he knows how you think of yourself. He wanted to hurt you because he wasn’t getting his way. 

You’re opinion about yourself is incorrect. That’s the fact, here; not this nonsense that you’re not worthy of love and there’s something fundamentally wrong with you. You need to work on yourself; get your mind sorted out. You need to find out why you feel so inadequate and flawed. You’re neither of those things, so the sooner you understand that the better. 

Also, this visitation with the dog stuff is nonsense. I know you love your dogs, but they shouldn’t be tying you to an ex. I would think this part of the situation was ridiculous even if your ex wasn’t an abuser. Either give him the dog or cut all contact and stop allowing him to see it. Either way, this contact needs to stop now. 

ETA: I would just give him the dog so that the issue is solved completely. I wouldn’t risk being harassed or sued by him over this. Unless he’s a danger to the dog, I see no good reason why he shouldn’t have it. You get the dog you had before the relationship, he gets the dog acquired during the relationship. That’s what sounds fair to me. 

ETA II: as odd as it may sound, you may be using your dogs as a crutch. It’s fine to love them and all that, but if you’re using them as an emotional crutch without realizing it, that’s not good. It’s not good to be dependent on pets in that way. 

I’m not certain that’s what you’re doing, but it seems plausible. 

Please, research “feelings of inadequacy”. Learn about yourself. 

Post # 9
28 posts
  • Wedding: October 2016

This sort of emotional manipulation can cause damage that may feel like it will last forever. I have totally been there. The guy I dated from age 25 to age 27 destroyed my self-confidence, made feel inadequate and unloveable.  I had to move across the country and start over just to get away from the whole situation, which completely flattened me.  I know that sounds dramatic, but I needed a big change or else I would have kept going back to him and there would’ve been no end to it.  After I moved to a new city, I reconnected with an acquaintance from college. Five months later it became something more. 4.5 years have passed and we are getting married in October.  

A man that’s worthy of your love and affection will never belittle your career, flirt on the side and tear you down.  Telling you “I never loved you” is cruel, unnecessary and most likely untrue and coming from a place of raging insecurity.  Your post tugs at my heartstrings.  You can overcome this Bee, I promise you

Post # 10
296 posts
Helper bee

This guy is a loser. You are lucky to be rid of him. Consider yourself lucky.

Post # 11
824 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017 - Sea Cider

let me start off like this: you write beautifully, in a concise enough manner to express your point, but also with enough detail to illustrate it. you are self-aware, reflect well, and are clearly mature enough to care about the best outcome for those around you (I am citing the dogs, and that you did attempt to take the high road for this. . .specimen).

if you were in my city, I would take you out to lunch/coffee in a heartbeat, and girl, I would (and do, as far as the internet allows) respect you.

you deserve to be loved. you are worthy of being loved. you will be loved.

would you consider talking to a therapist about your self esteem? what I see on this page is a rare, wonderful human being, and I suspect that if you were able to believe in yourself in that way, you’d be more inclined to avoid “settling” for ****s like this last piece of work, and spend your time instead with someone who treats you well.

it took a long time for me, too. I also had someone tell me I was “too fat” (at 130 and 5’3″, mind you), and at the time, I cowed and lost the requisite 15 pounds. if someone said the same to me today, I’d pick up that scale and thwack them with it. you’ll get there, too. <3

Post # 12
1092 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

It saddens me when someone’s cruel words can rip your heart right out. I know hearing that makes you wonder if anyone could ever love you but I can answer that for you. Why? Because I’m the poster child of feeling worthy of someone else’s love.

I was married for 17 years and at age 36 I knew my first husband never could change and be a good husband and father to my son. One of the last things he said to me was “No one will ever love you as much as I do”. Ok, I know those words are not as harsh as what was said to you but they still were etched in my mind for years. He loved me but that didn’t make up for the problems we had. Every man I dated for almost 10 years never lasted more than 6 months. I started to really feel those words he spoke. Maybe he was right. Fast forward to 9 years later meeting my current husband. i still feel like pinching myself because I feel like I won the husband lottery. Perfect? No, just perfect for me.

It might not be easy but you have to realize that he has done you a favor angd shown you what an asshole husband he could have been. Chin up girl, brighter days are ahead. Maybe you can’t see it now but I know there are.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  Ill Be Mrs B.
Post # 13
3160 posts
Sugar bee

Oh, honey. I wish I could give you a hug. Of course you deserve to be loved. You also deserve to be loved by someone who is worthy of you. Your ex truly did not deserve you, and the way he treated you is a reflection of HIM, not of you. Those fears you have are just that, fears. You’re not alone in these fears, many of us have deep scars from our childhood, past relationships, abusive exes, you name it. But you should know you are enough just the way you are. Flaws and all.

Post # 14
492 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

You have to love yourself to be loved. You have to get the crazy idea out of your head that you are not enough. You are enough, and you are deserving of love of once you realize that for yourself about yourself you will attract a different kind of love and different kind of person into your life. 

Look in the mirror every single day and say to yourself: I am smart. I am beautiful. I am engaging. I am enough. I love myself and I am deserving of love. 

Say it even if you don’t believe it. Say it until you believe it. 


Post # 15
33 posts
  • Wedding: October 2015

Yes, I have been there where you are now.  Get thee to a GOOD therapist.  What is a good therapist? A therapist that will help you grow.  So a little about me.  My low self esteem came from my family. Where are you in the totem pole?  I was never going to be as good as my brother the engineer.  My parents never said that out right.  But no matter what I did, I never got the praise I saw them give about my brother. This was just my family.  My parents did not praise me in front of me, but apparently bragged about me to strangers and cousins.  I did not find this bit out until they passed away and then felt it hard to believe.  But this caused me 2-3 decades of “I’m not worthy” feelings. I’m 45 now.

Assess yourself.  What drew you to this toxic man?  What is the game you are trying to “win” this second time around?  Who’s love/approval/recognition are you really trying to replace with a man like this?

Take this time to date yourself.  If you dated yourself, what would you do for yourself?  Why are you so harsh on yourself when in fact if you found the same flaws in someone you dated, you wouldn’t think there was anything wrong with them and just love them for who they are.  Judge not how a fish cannot climb a tree.

It is true, this man never loved YOU.  He loved the idea of you.  He never saw who you really were, he only wanted someone to stand by him, to accent him.  He will never be a good partner to anyone anytime soon.  Possibly after his parents die, his life view might change then, but not before.  Right now he is a narcissist and all should be wary.

The most telling example of a man like this is the founder of Tesla.  He’s BRILLANT SMART.  Read the articles on google written by his ex-wife about their relationship.  And then you’ll see the pattern. My Wasband does this also I found.  Every girl he dates was some sort of individual before they met him. But he subtly molded us.  We all are asian, we call cut our hair short, and when I married him I was a size 4 (not any more!).  He’s hardly unique either. Yes he was very book smart (he’s a professor), but in terms of “LIFE” , pretty stupid guy.  Marriage is for LIFE, it’s not for status anymore.

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