Post # 16
He’s cruel and oh so toxic. Don’t open that door again! The dogs are dogs. Pets. Lovely little critters who adore you. But they are pets. This creep has emotionally tormented you. Your pets do not need joint custody. Don’t allow him back in to continue to salt the wounds. No one ever deserves to be put down and made to feel less than. You gotta look out for #1. Trust me, if you don’t…no one else will. Self care is a priority, especially when your self worth has been trampled out of you. keep yourself and the dogs away from that psycho!
Post # 17
To each and every one of you, thank you SO MUCH for your kind words and precious advice.
minji: “DO NOT replay the conversations, situations, fights, etc., that made you feel like crap.” This is so important for me to remember, since it’s easy for my mind to wander back to those times.
Rhopalocera: Thankfully, regarding the whole dog situation, my friend stepped in to help me out. She is the breeder who originally sold the dog to my ex and I. She had kept another girl from the same litter, but was looking to re-home her since this dog had been injured (ACL tear while running) and needed a smaller living space where she wouldn’t be tempted to be too active. And so, she sent this dog to live with my ex. He apparently adores her, as he should…she’s a wonderful girl.
Nolabeetle: I’m so happy that you found your perfect man. It gives me a sliver of hope that maybe, just maybe, there’s someone out there for me too.
havenspartyof2: About the therapist, I’m already on it! Been seeing one since February. It has helped a great deal, but I obviously have a long way to go. 🙂
slymouse: “What drew you to this toxic man? What is the game you are trying to “win” this second time around? Who’s love/approval/recognition are you really trying to replace with a man like this?” These are all questions I am finally working on answering, though the answers aren’t terribly brief. And I do like the idea of seeing my current situation as “dating myself,” getting to know myself again. I feel like I lost who I was when I was with him, because everything was always about HIM. He was always the main character, and I was just a lowly sidekick.
Post # 18
He did you a favor by breaking up with you. Now it’s time to do yourself a favor and focus on getting your self esteem back.
Post # 19
It’s hard to see now but HE is the one this reflects poorly on. Sure this relationship wasn’t “successful” as you wanted it to be, but that doesn’t mean you didn’t grow through this. You grew through this break up. You grew through this relationship.
Take your dogs (I get it, I’m a crazy cat/pet lady and would never give up my cats for ANYTHING), and cut contact with him entirely. You will be better off for it, trust me!
Post # 20
I don’t believe him. He did love you. He just has a list of other character faults that is so long that he cannot even see, much less take responsibility for, his actions. He doesn’t know how to be in a relationship, much less express love.
Saying “I never loved you” is a conscious choice by a low life who wants to hurt you.
As the pp has said, cut off all contact with him. It is not your job to ensure his happiness by arranging time with the dogs.
Post # 21
Trust me all, I have no intention of speaking to the ex again as long as I live – it truly does me no good, and only gives him an opportunity to tell me what a horrible person I am and how everything is my fault. And I tried to be fair about the dogs, but they’re staying with me permanently now. No sharing.
Post # 22
Did you guys discuss beforehand who would take the newest dog if you guys seperated? Or is the dog under your name? Whoever’s name it’s under, whoever takes most care of the dog, that is who the dog should stay with. And then never contact this lump again.
Post # 23
I think it’s likely he can’t love anyone. A person with a normal conscience, sense of decency, some semblance of a good heart, would not treat another person like that for such an extended period of time. We all slip up once in a while and can be less than kind, but can you ever see yourself treating another person like he treated you? My guess is NO. I’m sorry, I know that what he said really hurts, but it’s just another opportunity for you to see the writing on the wall. Sometimes it takes us a while to learn our lesson. I’ve been a slow learner in some past relationships, so no judgement here. Just take care of you and your dogs, and leave him the hell alone. Don’t call him, don’t let him visit them. Live your life and be glad you got out when you did.
Post # 24
Thank goodness you’ve gotten this guy out of your life.
A man should be your shelter, your shoulder to cry on, your rock.
Make a promise to yourself that you will NEVER let a guy treat you badly again or talk down to you.
When you’re engaged to the man of your dreams, the person that makes life worth living together and who makes you glow you will realize that everything happens for a reason. You will appreciate him that much more.
Post # 25
He said it control you, the same way he controlled you when you were in a relationship. He controls you by hurting you and making you feel like s**t. It worked. Don’t give him any power, cut him off.
Post # 26
He said these words to hurt you as he knows you are better than him and you will soon find someone who will really love you and he will stay alone with his mentally ill brain not even standing himself.
Post # 27
He sounds very insecure and said some stupid things to try and hurt you. one day you will find someone who loves you for you and it will just click. I hope the heart ache ends soon.
Post # 28
virtuevictorious: My ex still see’s himself as this huge victim in a terrible relationship I apparently put him through. All of his selfishness and craziness never happened in his mind and I just “didn’t try hard enough” to save our relationship (i.e. do everything he wanted, and be a completely different person for him) oh, and also apparently our couples counselor broke us up. *rolls eyes*
I have learned that as grossly unfair, unrealistic and ungrounded as it is: He is NEVER ever going to take responsibility for the emotional stuff he put me through. So I won’t even try. He has a narcisstic personality and that has a lot to do with his take on things. So I take care of my responsibilty for myself.
When he gets on his emotional high horse (I still have to work with him! ) I just remember that manipulative people never think they are manipulating whereas people being manipulating doubt and question their experience. This helps me to remember that he is just a jerk with issues. I am fine. I won’t get that closure / apology, never will and I thank my lucky stars I am no longer with him.
oh, and I do this on the inside:
Chin up, Girl!
Post # 30
letterstolove: The dog is no longer an issue, thank goodness.
islandtime: “I think it’s likely he can’t love anyone.” I’ve had so many people tell me this. I just think that he loves others in the only way he is capable of…if that makes sense. It’s a shallow and very “conditional” kind of love. He only has a few people he is close to, and even those he constantly talks smack about. If these people knew what he says about them behind their backs (including his family members), I’m not sure they’d be too keen on keeping him as a permanent fixture in their lives.
Shesaidyes: Oh gosh, I’m so sorry you still have to see your ex! I think I’d have seriously hurt mine by now if we worked together. Your story totally resonates with me…mine will also never take responsibility for his (significant) part in the demise of our relationship. Everything will always be my fault, and I have to accept that’s the way he’s going to see things. Was I perfect? Hell no. Did I try to make things work? Hell yes! But at some point, when someone is SO negative about everything in his life and has beaten you down for so long, you feel like a shell of a person.