Post # 1
I have a bit of a situation and wanted to get feedback from you!
There’s this girl Laura that I went to high school with. We were pretty close friends throughout and often hung out together with some other girls. I guess you could say we were a part of the same circle. After high school, we went to different universities but remained close. We would see each other back in our hometown every summer and exchange Christmas gifts every Christmas. I really liked Laura – she was smart and funny and tough (she faced many health challenges and beat them all!).
A couple years ago Laura changed. She became very self centred, snooty and developed a “I’m better than everyone else” attitude. She was also studying law at the time and perhaps this had some part to play in it. Other girls in our group of friends realised this too. This new version of Laura sickened me and I found myself drifting away from her. I still continued to give her a Christmas gift as I didn’t want to have to explain why things changed. I didn’t want the drama at the time.
Last year was the final straw though. She found out that I was starting a law degree and made some condescending comments. It was as though she was trying to imply I had no business studying law. I suppose law is too prestigious for a low class person like myself? I vowed at that moment I was really done with her butttttttttt I ended up giving her a gift for Christmas (I knew for a fact she was giving me one so I re-gifted something I got last year and never wore to her). I also ended up inviting her to my birthday party (pressure again) this past January.
Now…to the real meat of the matter.
Her boyfriend proposed to her in March. My boyfriend officially proposed to me in June (a year after he stated he wanted to marry me). I hateeeeeeeeeeee the fact that I’m sharing my engagement shine with this girl. I thought about not even telling her I was engaged and just letting her find out…but my best friend and Maid/Matron of Honor (part of the same circle of friends…and Laura’s BFF and Maid/Matron of Honor as well) told me I should tell her myself…since Laura personally called me to tell me she got engaged. I did as my best friend suggested and called Laura. She seemed happy for me, said I deserved it and that my fiance is a great man, etc. She ended our call by saying, “Well good luck with your wedding planning. I won’t have to lift a finger. As you know, my aunt is a successful wedding planner so I’m gonna be well taken care of and won’t have to be stressed like regular brides. She’s obviously dealing with all of my vendors and I don’t have to worry about the kinds of things I’m sure you will have to worry about.” I regretted calling her at that moment. Did she really need to say that?
Last month, I got her invitation in the mail…
I was thinking I would not attend her wedding and this way, I won’t feel bad about not inviting her to mine. My folks think I should invite her based on our history and the fact she invited me…but really and truly, I don’t want anyone there who I don’t believe is genuinely happy for me. I feel as though she’d be there judging my wedding and comparing it to hers, etc.
I’m genuinely happy for her. She went through a lot of hard stuff in life (health related) and it’s great she’s found her soulmate. I’ve met him and he’s a gentleman.
Post # 3
@DolceVita: Honestly, I think you are too easily influenced by others. You do something because your friend say she thinks you should. You invite her because your mom thinks you should. You give her a gift even though you don’t want to because she’s gonna give you one.
That’s not a mindset that needs to go into a marital relationship, IMO. In the meantime, you guys go your own separate ways. You probably won’t miss her, she probably won’t miss you.
Post # 4
“but really and truly, I don’t want anyone there who I don’t believe is genuinely happy for me. I feel as though she’d be there judging my wedding and comparing it to hers, etc.”
BOOM! There it is! If that’s how you feel now,then when she’s at your wedding eating a $50 plate of food you’re paying for, you’ll be even more upset. I just wouldn’t call her for now. She’s in law, she’s smart, she knows when she’s being rude and trust me, she know’s that was rude as hell.
Post # 5
Don’t go to her wedding, don’t invite her to yours, and stop stressing about it. If you truly don’t like someone and don’t want to be their friend, don’t buy them Christmas gifts, talk to them on the phone, invite them to parties, etc. Also, her engagement was three months before your engagement. You’re not sharing anything with her — in three months, I can guarantee you that no one is as focused on your engagement/wedding as you are.
Post # 6
@DJones69: +1 and all the subsequent comments. Especially, @lina010: She’s in law, she’s smart, she knows when she’s being rude and trust me, she know’s that was rude as hell
You are putting way to much energy into someone you clearly dislike. You have two choices, either just let the relationship fade to black or be a big girl and tell her you don’t appreciate her condescending attitude. Frankly if an acquaintance of mine made that comment to me, I’d tell them straight up that they are an asshole with out blinking an eye. I don’t have time for foolishness like that. So the choice is yours. Speak up or let it fade.
Post # 7
@DJones69: I believe I have the right mindset for marriage…but I’m also human and I was wondering why I’m the only one who would rock the boat when it comes to her. All the other girls still play the game as well and just chalk it up to “that’s just how Laura is now”. I’m the only one who has considered permanently turning my back on the friendship.
@lina010: She’s always messages me to find out if I have any wedding updates. My answer is always no.
Post # 8
Oh my God. Cut this stupid girl out of your life. Don’t go, and stop talking to her. Life it too short for assholes! Then she won’t be sharing your “shine” as you put it.
Post # 9
@cmbr: I gave into the pressure and took the “easy” way out.
Post # 10
You need to stop being everyone’s puppet. You do everything everyone else tells you to do. Be your own woman. Don’t go to the wedding and don’t invite her to yours and stop blaming everyone for peer pressuring you. I know it is hard to say sometimes, but you are letting people run all over you, and it will continue to happen if you don’t start standing up for yourself a little bit and doing what is best for you.
Post # 11
@DolceVita: Don’t bother going to her wedding, no matter what others think. The two of you are clearly no longer compatible. Move on and try not to let it all get to you.
Post # 12
@DolceVita: It sounds like a textbook case of a “frienemy”: you don’t like or respect this girl, you put up with her because of social pressure…and it doesnt sound like she likes or respects *you* much either. It’s an easy trap to fall into.
I would cut this crap out cold-turkey. Do not attend her wedding and do not invite her to yours. This could literally go on forever if you don’t choose not to play anymore.
Post # 13
A girl I don’t get along with sent FH and I a wedding invitation recently. I don’t like her, so I’m not going to her wedding and she’s not invited to mine. It’s simple. You don’t have to go to her wedding.
ETA: Don’t worry about “rocking the boat” either. It’s obvious that you guys aren’t close anymore so I don’t think anyone who knows you would question why you didn’t show up.
Post # 14
Stop being so passive and trying to make everyone happy. Don’t give her anymore gifts or invites, you obviously have grown apart and that’s ok, it happens and her acting like you are beneath her should be reason enough to cut ties. It’s simple, decline her invite and don’t invite her to your wedding, at the end of the day it’s YOUR decision…not your parents.
ETA: I’m going through somewhat of a similiar situation with a girl who used to be my BFF, she’s having a baby and I was invited to the shower, I haven’t seen her in years and she rarely responds to my messages/calls so I had to finally realize that we have grown apart and are no longer friends. I declined the shower invite and my mom got pissed saying we used to be so close and I should send a gift etc. I said I’m not sending a gift and we aren’t close anymore end.of.story …you just need to shut that shit down, you know how you feel about the situation.
Post # 15
- Wedding: April 2012 - Chateau Briand
Definitely don’t go to her wedding and don’t invite her to yours. Just because others don’t want to “rock the boat” and are fine playing her games doesn’t mean you have to.
Post # 16
Honestly, I would take your wedding as an opportunity to cut this girl out of your life. You don’t like the person she has become, and clearly don’t want to be friends with her, so just don’t! Most of the time in situations like this, a “friendship” will drag on for ages, but if you don’t invite her to your wedding, that sends a pretty clear message that you have drifted apart and aren’t really friends anymore. And it sounds to me like that’s what you want.