Post # 76
Hi OP. I’ve read through all 5 pages of this and am finally weighing in. I think other Bee’s are getting their shackles up because of this sentence in your original post:
“one week the child support payment would have left him with zero dollars for the week, so he offered her half. She got angry and kept the child from him for 2 weeks.”
Why the CS payments would leave him with zero dollars that week is debatable. Some people say that he had zero dollars because he upgraded his car and living situation, and that was his choice. Others say that Dad shouldn’t have to live in poverty to make his CS payments. But I think it’s something deeper that people are actually reacting to. I think it’s this: “he offered her half”
This phrasing makes it sound as if your fiance is doing some great thing by offering the mother of his child half of what he legally and morally owes her, and your phrasing implies that she should be grateful for this, rather than angry about it. Your other posts reiterate this; that the mother should be grateful to get whatever you and your fiance can scrape together.
Try to put yourself in her shoes OP, as I think many of the other Bee’s have done. You have a baby with a man who you then subsequently split up with. He’s legally obligated to give you a certain amount of money each month to help support your child, but instead decides to spend the money elsewhere, and “offers” you half, expecting you to be grateful for it. Wouldn’t you be angry? Wouldn’t you call him and demand the other half of the money he owes you? Would you appreciate his new woman reaching out to you and trying to be friends?
Keeping the child from him is certainly not the right answer, but can you see why, in justified anger, this might be her knee jerk reaction?
I think your heart was in the right place, OP. But I do think you need to stop thinking of the child’s mother as the enemy. She’s not trying to get money out of your fiance because she’s greedy. Your fiance legally owes her (or rather, their child) the money, and she’s upset that he’s not pulling his weight in taking care of their child. Wouldn’t you feel the same way if this was your child, and your ex?
Post # 77
- Wedding: April 2015 - Family Farm
Great job breaking it down this way.
Post # 78
I think contacting mom was ok, just because I believe you need to have a working relationship with the mother of your step child, as long as the Fiance knew about it.
I think assuming the worst about the mother is wrong. I’m a mother. I get child support. I drive a new car and live in a decent house…but that’s because I worked for it. Just because I make x amount per year doesn’t mean he shouldn’t have to help support his kids. My ex complained too he couldn’t make it, so I went and forgave his back CS, requested his payments to be lowered, and now I get to see pics of his new gf and him wasted at the bar every weekend on Facebook. My kids certainly aren’t seeing it, and I’m sure he didn’t tell his New gf what I did to help him out. Sometimes we don’t always know the story.
Post # 79
I think it varies depending on where you live, but in California new spouses or household income is used in the calculation.
I don’t think you did anything wrong in providing your phone number. You having a working relationship with your FI’s ex is the best for his child. So what’s wrong with that.
We’re past all that but I’m pretty friendly with DH’s ex-wife.
Post # 80
op–do your fiance, his child and yourself a favor and bow out gracefully from this relationship. Your anger and frustration and resentment are plapable in your posts. And if mere strangers on the internet feel it, you can bet his daughter does, also. The child has enough probems, her visits with her dad should be happy and stress free, she shouldn’t have to put up with your resentment and anger.
Post # 81
Do yourself a favor and do some research on step mothers, blended families and the very normal initial feelings of resentment. I don’t know if you live in a world where everything instantly clicks and life is peaceful from the start, but I don’t. We will have to work to create boundaries, I will need to build a strong relationship with his daughter over time and it will take his ex some time to accept all of it. Walking out on my fiance, who I love enough to fight for, is not an option. A vent post is a vent post. Things suck right now, it’s life. It happens.
To a lot of the other posters: Thank you for your thoughts and helping me see things from different angles. 🙂
Post # 83
I agree. So many post reponses are dripping with male bashing, sometimes I forget that this is a WEDDING forum. Child support can be a huge strain and honestly, in many cases it’s cheaper financially for the custodial parent. My father for example pays $1200 a month in CS for my youngest sister. She is 10 years old, attends regular public school, and her mom has two other kids (not my dad’s). He also pays for her iPhone service and she’s on his health insurance. Getting a family insurance plan is over double the price of an individual plan. Even though it’s just the two of them, he still has to pay for the family plan. It would be cheaper for him to have her full time, as his added expenses wouldn’t be $1200+ a month. But, the courts don’t make it that easy. That’s one of the reasons I didn’t really date men with kids.
Post # 84
Thank you. It is hard for him, much harder now than when they were together as a couple and he sees so much less of his child. I understand no one can see exactly the reality of who he is and what he is doing to better both his life and his daughters life. He would move mountain for his daughter but he also has to live, too.
Post # 85
Honestly, I think you and your Fiance might have a solid relationship and be a good match for each other, but it seems like you might be attempting to move your relationship along too fast. You want to be married in less than a year but are disagreeing with his ex over CS payments and feel like you haven’t yet established a strong relationship with the daughter due to all the drama…I think it would be a better move to set the wedding date further in the future so that you both have your finances under control and so that your Fiance can make more of an effort to smooth the relationship over with his ex. If the ex knows you two are planning on getting married but is still talking negatively about your relationship in front of your daughter, it does not seem like this is a situation that will improve any time soon and will only hurt your future step-daughter (who you should probably already consider your step-daughter if you’re at the point of being engaged to her father).
Post # 86
- Wedding: October 2019 - City, State
lolita1027: sorry but I think you were wrong. If the court decided his child support they are not going to lower it becuase now he has a partner and more bills or a different lifestyle. There are very few reasons the courts will lower what they have already deemed to be a suitable child support amount. Seriously you really overstepped your boundaries. I’m as nice as they come and I don’t have any emotional reactions to my ex but if his partner messaged me and tried to basically say “here you go, if you have a problem, call me directly” I wouldn’t take kindly to that. I hate to break this to you but in most cases they don’t care what kind o income her partner has, she could be married to a millionaire and your Fiance would still be responsible for paying his part.
Post # 87
Think about it from the Ex’s POV- Dad lived in a studio, and she had to pay for a 2 bedroom most likely, right? Why shouldn’t he have to ‘eat’ those costs?
Then you come into the picture, and y’all move in together and NOW he can’t make his CS payments, because you couldn’t live in the studio with him… Ex didn’t ask for you to come into her life (you’re in her life, btw) but you did, and now her child isn’t being supported the way she used to be–the way the courts found necessary.
You and Fiance needing a larger apartment doesn’t mean the Ex and kid now need a smaller one, that’s not how that works. If his hours got cut- find a new job!! Get a second one! He made the decision to be a father, the child had no say in the matter, so she shouldn’t be the one to suffer.
Post # 88
- Wedding: October 2019 - City, State
karen12: where I live my partner’s income does not factor into what my ex has to pay.
Post # 89
I see where you are coming from, but his ex has moved his daughter in and out of a few different boyfriends houses and while my fiance was disturbed by the lack of stability, he dealt with it. I think his ex should have to deal with me just as I have to deal with her. We need to find a middle ground and there is not set time that will occur, as PP’s said sometimes it takes years for the situation to improve. I don’t see the need to put off our wedding and I don’t see our relationship as harmful to his little one. We don’t speak ill of her mom in front of her. I treat his daughter kindly and she enjoys coming to dads.
Post # 90
It is important to note he had a change (a sudden change) in his work hours. He is looking for more employment and he is trying to improve on his financial situation. It was not simply us “upgrading” our lifestyle. He filed the paperwork to have it reduced so we will see in the coming months if that happens.