(Closed) I REALLY don’t want to be a bridesmaid, but feel awful saying no! Help! :)

posted 9 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: What should I do when she asks me?
    Say yes...it isn't worth hurting the relationship I have with my friend. Just suck it up and do it! : (17 votes)
    32 %
    Say no...it will be way too awkward of an experience. Plus, I need every cent for my own wedding! : (36 votes)
    68 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    672 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2009

    I don’t have any advice on how to best handle the situation (especially since she hasn’t specifically asked you directly), but I really think that if you don’t want to, you shouldn’t.  I invited an old friend of mine to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man pretty much because we always said we’d be in each others weddings.  My gut was telling me not to because we had grown so far apart, but nostalgia was kicking in and I decided to ask.  She accepted but then later it ended up in a huge falling out sort of thing where she just acted increasingly irritated towards me and then just told me she hadn’t even wanted to be in it in the first place.  I REALLY wish she had just SAID it in the first place, bc I wouldn’t have been offended then – but I was offended to find out she was just going to grin & bear it through our wedding.  Nobody wants to feel like they’re forcing a Bridesmaid or Best Man to be one.  So if you don’t want to, I think you should make it clear.  It’s really sweet that your friend wanted to include you, so maybe you could just offer to help his Fiance with any day-of setting up or things like that.  Good luck!

    Post # 4
    Member
    2470 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    I voted yes, and here is why.  I see it as the bride and groom coming together by asking their closest (all their closest) friends to stand up with them. My sister’s friend got married and they had all the groomsmen and bridesmaid stand mixed together on either side. i thought it was really nice!

    If you are really unsure about it all, when she asks you personally, ask her if its something she really wants. If you don’t think you can perform your Bridesmaid or Best Man duties sincerely and whole heartedly, politely decline and explain why.

    Post # 5
    Member
    1573 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2009

    just say no

    Post # 6
    Member
    563 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2009

    You are planning your own wedding in a terrible economy.  Could you explain your economic circumstances to the bride and say, "I am so excited that you and X are getting married!  But since I am paying for my own wedding, finances are really tight right now.  I can afford to pay for a dress, but I really can’t afford to pay for a shower or bachelorette party.  If that would be good for you, I would love to be a bridesmaid.  If you would prefer, I would be happy to do a reading or hand out programs or be the guest book attendant.  I know how stressful it is to plan a wedding, and I want to take any job that would make it easier for you."  You have every right to bow out of this wedding if you can’t afford it without feeling guilty.   

    Post # 7
    Member
    350 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2009

    I agree with professorbee — the best move may be to beg off because of finances and offer to help out in any way they need to on the day of the wedding (handing out programs, setting up escort cards, doing a reading, etc.).  If you phrase it the way she suggested, explaining that your own wedding has you pretty strapped for cash and you would feel awkward being a bridesmaid who couldn’t contribute to the traditional pre-wedding festivities, I’m sure they’ll both understand.

    Post # 8
    Member
    159 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: August 2009

    Don’t do it.  I’d go with the money is tight bit…no sense in hurting her feelings.  You guys might become better friends down the road.

    Post # 9
    Member
    513 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 1969

    I would encourage you to spend a little more time reflecting on this. (I mean this in the most nicest way)

    As a bride/groom you want to be surrounded by your closest friends. & you want your bridal party to be filled with the ones who support you and your significant others the most. The way I see it, I want the people standing up with me and my FH to be the ones who we will rely on later in life. For the good times, the bad, for our children… I want to be able to say to my kids- ‘look who stood with us! Your auntie yy and your dads and my friend ww" and the kids being like ‘wow you knew each other for that long?!’ 

    It’s a special day where people won’t look back and say ‘gosh that bachelerette party cost an arm and a leg.’ It’s a day where people will be like "remember how funny ‘such and such’ thing happened when we were trying to get so and so out the door?!" or "how the heck did we lose grandma while getting to the venue?!"

    That is all your friend is asking you to do. I am sure you can tactfully find ways around the money issue. Explain to your friend how you are strapped for cash but would like to stand there by his side by assisting with other more fiscal means. But spiritually, it is really impactful to be there by his side during their nuptials.

    Will you regret ten yrs from now, looking back, how you weren’t standing by his side? Who is to say his soon to be wife won’t open up more with you? Maybe she is shy? Maybe she is slow to warm up to? This is a great opportunity to be there for her. And I am sure, later on, God forbid when your friend has a horrible moment-such as a hospitalization- she will call you. Or Gd forbid he passes, and they have kids… you are one more person for the kids to be like "so how was my dad like?" Because my parents have friends that they keep in touch with that aren’t necessarily both of their friends, but when the day comes they need to lean on someone… those friends will be there in a moment. 

    I am not trying to change your mind. I just think you can think about this differently. It seems as though this could be a great opportunity.

    But I am sure they will understand your own needs if you can’t help them with theirs as you would like to in the fullest. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    1718 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2008 - Winery in the Gold Country

    I know it’s not as traditional, but you should really be standing up on HIS side of the wedding party, if you’re going to be standing up for him at all.  He is your friend, not she, and the point of most people’s wedding parties is typically honoring those who are closest to them to have them stand up for them on their wedding day.  You are not close to her at all, nor does it seem that you even get along well.  I know it won’t be easy, but you have every right to say no and not feel really bad.   Being a bridesmaid is not only time consuming, but a huge financial strain, one you should reserve for your true nearest and dearest, especially if money and time is tight.  I’d discuss standing on HIS side of the wedding party, though.  Maybe sit and think to yourself, if she were taken out of the equation (this is weird, but lets say he’s just marrying no one), would you willingly stand up for him on his big day?  It sounds like you two are very close.  If he is not open to the idea of having a woman stand on his side of the party, then maybe that is your easy out.  If he is open to it, I have a feeling you might reconsider, as you sound very close to him.

     GL! Let us know how it all works out!

    Post # 11
    Member
    2640 posts
    Sugar bee

    If she hasn’t actually asked you yet, could you just speak up to your friend?  Say, "I remember you saying something about me being in the wedding.  I don’t know if it’s still being decided on, but I’ve been giving this a lot of thought.. I don’t think I can swing it financially, with my wedding around the corner.  I’d really would have loved to, but we thought it was really important to have Fiance still stand up with you.  Besieds your fiance should be comfortable with all of the girls she picks." 

    I also wonder if his Fiance is standoffish because she feels insecrue about him having a really close female friend…

    Post # 14
    Member
    213 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2009

    I would do it, only because you’re so close with the groom.  I wouldn’t want to put a strain on a really good friend over this.  If it is legitamately too much time or money to plan you wedding and be involved in theirs, then politely let them know this.  I definitely wouldn’t bring up the issue that you and the bride aren’t close.

    Post # 15
    Member
    14183 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    I don’t think I would necessarily do it…I don’t see why you can’t stand on HIS side if you’re that important to him.  Oh well, tha’ts what he should have done. I agree it could all be really awkward. Then again, does she have friends? Or do you think perhaps you’re being asked to "even things out"? I knwo that sounds bad…you know what i mean though.

    Post # 16
    Member
    161 posts
    Blushing bee

    I would say yes…it is a chance to build a relationship with your best friends future wife. I once missed such a chance and have always been sorrry.  This is an honor..don’t miss it.

    The topic ‘I REALLY don’t want to be a bridesmaid, but feel awful saying no! Help! :)’ is closed to new replies.

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