Post # 47
I totally agree it is the most frustrating process of finding a mate. I had some horrible experiences also when I was dating online I was chatting with a guy who had a son. I didnt have a problem with that and I would always ask if he had to go and spend time with your son. He said no I asked him several times during the conversation just to make sure.
Long story short, he said no I want to spend sometime with you. He said BRB and never came back online and the next day he contacted me on instant messenger and said he went out with his friend and didnt feel like coming back online. WTF
I told him that he is not ready to establish any definite lines of communication that will lead to anything. I told him to take care and never chatted with him and block him from ever communicating with me.
I know all women have to kiss a lot of frogs to get to the prince. I hope you find someone who will treat you like a queen and can appreciate the qualities you possess; love you so hard and strong that you feel you are dreaming and have to constantly pinch yourself.
Post # 48
@gut_feeling: Oh gosh I wrote my last reply without realing that there was a second page to this thread or seeing your recent posts. I’m sorry the latest guy turned out to also be a jerk. This process is frustrating and long, and when things like that happen too many times, you can end up jaded.
One of the things that I have found to be helpful was just focusing on myself for a while. I know that you hear this exact thing all the time, but really just loving yourself and not worrying about the men does make you feel better. Find a new hobby or reconnect with an old one, or go on a weekend trip with a (single) girlfriend.
As you told me, when you find the one, he will not run away from you! Best of luck and big hugs!
Post # 49
Hey there, aw thank you. I actually find your advice really helpful. Being thankful for each day rather than giving into the negative feelings and fear is something i need to get better at. I think my fear of rejection is starting to control my life which only makes me just want to cause things to end.
So, with all of the men in my life I’ve had a lot of anxiety with them – I think I have daddy issues or something. This actually causes a lot of drama because I usually freak out at the slightest little thing – and also pick men who are not good at handling this. I definitely need to work on by ability to tolerate distress and man choice. And for whatever it is worth (I don’t even quite know what this means), work on my sense of self. I’m going on this meditation retreat for work next week so I think it will be a nice break.
@niasg1: I hope you find someone who will treat you like a queen and can appreciate the qualities you possess; love you so hard and strong that you feel you are dreaming and have to constantly pinch yourself
Gosh is that what love is supposed to be like? I always dreamed it would be like that but these days i have little hope. I feel like that wacky painting the museum that everyone thinks is cool but no one wants to buy 🙁
Post # 50
I felt like you but I did find someone that makes me feel exactly the way I described. I kissed a lot of frogs to get to my prince and it was worth every bad experience I ever had because each one taught me something about myself. It taught what I didnt want and the time in between dating I did a self-assessment and worked on myself. What I will not tolerate or settle for.
When I met my FI I was surprised because he was exactly what I wanted and his thoughts and value were a reflection of mine. He said that he was not going to settle and believe it or not our first conversation was an argument because he is in the military and started to take over the conversation barking a laundry list of what the do’s and dont’s were.
I politely told him if he wants to control the conversation then there is no need for us to continue. I told him I am not a member of his platoon and I will not be ordered around. Well, this got his attention and he realized that by me making that statement he knew that he had met his match.
He proposed to me 3 months later and the rest is history.
BIG HUG TO YOU GIRL HANG IN THERE I PROMISE IT WILL GET BETTER.
Post # 51
I “dated” quite a few men who refused to commit. The best thing you can do is get away from him as soon as you realize who he is (cut off contact). It has nothing to do with you. As long as you don’t drag on relations with someone who won’t give you what you want I think you are doing okay. The worst thing you can do it waste years of your life on someone who won’t commit to you!
I felt exactly like you (not long ago) and then one day when I wasn’t looking I just happened to meet my Fiance. I knew he was into me from the very beginning and he wanted to commit within a month. He wasn’t playing games and I never had to question where I stood with him. Just don’t settle!! Sometimes dating sucks. But it’s worth it in the end.
Post # 52
thank you, i’m glad you are able to look back on your experiences and see how they helped you. also it’s nice that you took time so that you were ready when the right man came around. perhpas it is time for me to take a step back and heal. as much as i am thankful it is so hard to see that this will get better right now. it just hurts so much. again. sigh.
thank you for your words about guys who don’t commit, i will consider them carefully. i know this is not good for me but sometimes i wonder if i am just drawn to pain, like love is supposed to be painful. i’m glad you found your person. i hate this because this guy really wanted to commit to his ex and she dumped him. i feel like he is doing the same to me – even though it was so long ago i was like a rebound.
oh girls, it is just so hard to keep on believing, it hurts so much – i feel in my gut that this person is important but he doesn’t feel the same way – now my gut is screwed up too..i don’t know what to trust. 🙁
Post # 53
Always remember what Maya Angelo said “when someone shows you who they are believe them”. We set the tone for how people treat us.
I know right now you feel like why is this happening to me? What is wrong with me? Stop, there is nothing wrong with you but wanting to be loved. Yes, when your pain goes away and it will take some time and get to know you. If that means buying some new make-up, clothes, shoes, etc.
Look within and try to recall what the past men in your life said to you because there is always some truth in there somewhere. If they said you are needy work on that, if they say you come on to strong work on that, if they say you talk about marriage too much work on that. All of these things that were said were to teach you things about yourself. There is always a lesson to learn in every relationship good or bad because it gives you wisdom that you would not have gained if you hadnt known that person.
You know by now, I have had many, many, many good and bad experiences…hahaha Your heart will heal and you will become so much stronger than you thought you could ever be I promise. I am a living example of what you are dealing with and are feeling.
I found my love at the age of 47 not because I wasnt proposed too. I just wouldnt settle because I knew I deserve the best because I am a child of the most high God.
Post # 54
Amazing, I admire your strength and your self-love to be patient and wait for the right person. I still struggle with “needing” a man and sometimes throw myself at undeserving souls (much to their unhappiness usually) because I feel scared or vulnerable. I am really working at thinking about the underlying issues that stem from this. My sister mentioned that it is very obvious when you are desperate for love. I’ve definitely learned from this crazy dating process and have grown a lot but it is clear I have a lot more to do!
Thank you for sharing your story, it is inspiring 🙂
Post # 55
I just wanted to add my two cents and say that sometimes life figures things out for you, and that you have to trust that it will happen. Best of luck and I hope you find your prince soon, or at least get to become the you that you need to be so that you’re ready for him to come into your life soon. Crossing my fingers for you!
Post # 56
Dating is kind of the worst. I’ve never actually been on a real “date” with someone I hadn’t already known well that didn’t go horribly. One of the reasons I feel very happy and lucky to be engaged is that I don’t have to date. I joke with FH that if he ever vanished I’d just be like “screw it” rather than try to date again.
Post # 57
At 2 months, you are still virtual strangers. Maybe date but keep your distance a bit longer?
Post # 58
2 months and three broken hearts? How does your full heart get invested that fast?
I highly recommend casually dating multiple guys at a time and not picking one to commit to for at least 2 months/10-20 dates. I think at minimum I saw 5 guys in two months when I was single. Don’t invest so much each time and focus on yourself while meeting fun people and having new experiences.
Post # 59
Oh lol, no, not two months of dating but the broken hearts (or being butt hurt from rejection) occurred in the last three months. It’s a complicated story – I was doing online dating so new guys showed up every day. I’ve been on the dating scene for about 5 months and have dated a LOT of guys – there were days when I went on two dates in a day. Not all of them caused broken hearts. Of the three, the first guy I was going out with for a while was actually the guy who I started this whole dating thing with, we got along really really well but he was back and forth in my life, had ex gf issues that he didn’t bother to tell me about until he kind of dropped it on me that he needed to babysit his ex’s dog while she went on vacation blahblahblah and one day was like i need to take a break because my ex is back and she needs me…
The second guy was kind of a whirlwind romance who was in between the first guy coming back and forth – we were really alike in a lot of ways, had similar life goals, values, professions – wacky personalities – like the same person in two bodies but in the end when you have two people who are the same it just becomes an explosive disaster.
The third guy was my friend who was kind of watching me go through all of this and then at some point suggested that we date instead of me seeing these losers and him having no luck. But being friends first causes a lot of weird complication. That story is still a mess. The other two kind of concluded on their own.
Post # 60
You’ll see, when I was 32 years old (I just turned 35 last month and married for 1 year now) I was on your same situation but the only different thing is that I was soooo sick of of my bad luck with guys, that I just stoped looking. Just like that. I realized that I had a LOT more fun being alone at home, cleaning my tiny department, watching movies on my DVD player, having chips with salsa, all dishevelled on my bed, or going play front-tennis almost with a “pijama look” than dating any guy at all (Really!). Before that, if I had the luck of finding a guy I liked, it was only to find out later that he didn’t like to work, or that he wasn’t independent and still lived with his parents, or that he wasn’t divorced as he assured over and over (yeah!), or that he was a liar or whatever sort of beautiful characteristics you can imagine. I even started to wonder if it was too much what I was looking from a man (but, hey, Is honesty and loyalty a lot to ask?). Anyway. What I can tell you for sure, is that, the older and experienced you get, the harder is for you find the right guy because now they can not “trick you” with superficial stuff. Even if you might not know what you’re looking for in a man, now you certainly know what you are NOT looking for and that will save you a lot of time to get rid of the guys that are just playing.
Anyways. When I was in this sort of “break” when I was 32 (which wasn’t actually a “break” but my firm conviction that I didn’t feel like dating anyone for THE REST OF MY LIFE), it turns out that I started to talk to this guy (let’s call him A ) who works at the same Company than me. After about 4 months of talking to A for a bit during work, it suddendly hit me one day that they guys I dated before were the ones taking the first step to invite me out and that I WAS NEVER the one who picked them (THEY picked ME and then I just had to say “yes” or “no” to the relationship). That’s why I had relationships; otherwise, I don’t think I would had. I had never noticed this until that day. I noticed it because I had been talking to A for about 4 months and, even if I could see he enjoyed my company and we had so much in common, by some reason he still hadn’t invited me out. But I had this conviction that he was such a gentleman and even use to think for myself that I could never even dream to be with a guy like that (he was too nice for me, too educated, too honest, too good person) and I even started to wonder what would be like to be married to A -of course, he didn’t know about all this; it was my “secret”-. One day, I had this feeling in my gut that I can not describe. I just took the phone (yes, at 11:00 PM, time on which he used to get off work) and texted him if he wanted a ride home (He said yes!) and, long story short, we are married now.
I think basically what I want to say is (I’ll type it with capital letters): PICK YOUR GUY. You will know yours when you meet him. In the mean time, you can have popcorn and watch lots of movies, LOL!!
Post # 61
whoa, that’s awesome! lol, i need instructions ;p