I really hate my family…

posted 2 months ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
4680 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

happiekrappie :  bee… stop answering the phone. Ignoring your dads call was an important first step. They can only suck you in as much as you allow them to suck you in.

When you are on the phone, if they start their bullshit, rush off the phone. Don’t entertain it. You can tell them that you’re over it and don’t want to discuss it (probably won’t go over well and they will still push) and then you stick by your word.

Eventually they will get the message and realize that they can’t break your boundaries.

I’m assuming you don’t live with them?

You must be feeling so awful and just so, so tired, I’m sorry for that. Use this as your starting point. No more, enough is enough, they will no longer poison your well being 

Post # 3
Member
47036 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

There is no law that says you have to keep toxic people in your life, even family. Would you keep anyone else who behaved like this close to you?  We don’t get to choose our family, but we can choose to not have them involved in our life.

Post # 4
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee

They both have very poor boundaries and aren’t able to be sensitive to your needs (when you were a child but also presently). It can be extremely difficult to enforce your boundaries with people who have none. I don’t think you can do much about their relationship with one another, and I can imagine that it is difficult for your to have a healthy relationship with them. It sounds emotionally draining. Have you talked to them about this (the impact that it has on you)?

Post # 5
Member
22 posts
Newbee

This sounds a lot like my family. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I would recommend counseling to help you work through your feelings, to vent/feel validated. Growing up in a home like this is far from ideal and can be so exhausting. Also want to echo other pps, going no contact may be the best course of action, but that decision is up to you

Post # 6
Member
326 posts
Helper bee

happiekrappie :  Your parents sound just like mine. Laughing one minute, holding a knife to each other’s throat the next. What was more rough then watching them do that? Watching them both say they are going to divorce, one gets a restraining order on the other but in the end they dont do it. It took years and mostly due to my school and work getting hectic but I was able to remove myself from their drama. I see them at holidays (mostly to see my other family) and occasionally visit or go out to eat. I leave or hang up if I hear their drama. I tell them “you can start complaining to me when you’re filing divorce papers.” Years of that took a toll on my mental health but becoming independent in work and school has helped. A big healing for me was meeting my fiance and he and his family has taken me in and shown me what a real family is like. 

 

I feel you, bee. But you’ve got to remove yourself and live your life. *hugs*

Post # 7
Member
1349 posts
Bumble bee

I think some time away from your parents and very limited contact would do you some good. Unfortunately you can’t change them, but you can limit their influence in your life so that their dysfunction doesn’t disrupt your day. 

Post # 8
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2019

It sucks when your the adult to your parents. I have found it best to just limit what you talk about and how often you see them. It sucks there family so I know not everyone can just cut them out of your life like you would if it was a friend.

Post # 9
Member
591 posts
Busy bee

I’m so sorry you’re going through that. It sucks when our families don’t conform to the ‘norms’ of behavior we expect .. and your parents sound super dysfunctional. 🙁 Time to cut loose, bee.. though I understand the guilt that may cause. 

It says a lot about you that you have put this behind you and conduct your own life so differently! 

Post # 11
Member
2745 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2006

I am so very sorry you experienced this as a child and are continuing to get pulled into it as an adult! Sounds similar to my husbands parents who he cut off 2 years ago. Best and healthiest decision he ever made. He hurts sometimes because of it but knows he can’t contact them because he’ll just get sucked back in. They’re absolutely toxic narcissists. If you can, I’d say this route may be the best option for you. 

“Blood is thicker than water” be damned. Just because they’re family doesn’t mean it’s in your best interest to maintain a dysfunctional relationship and harm yourself. I read things like that and it makes my blood boil. It’s such bullshit, IMO. 

Good luck, Bee! The most important thing in all of this is your health and emotions, not theirs. You take care of you! 

Post # 13
Member
2515 posts
Sugar bee

Read Toxic Parents and go no contact. You are not responsible for you mom’s happiness. You need to put on your own oxygen mask.

Post # 14
Member
22 posts
Newbee

happiekrappie :  If you want to go no-contact, you should. I know no-contact feels very final/extreme sometimes, but it doesn’t neccessarily have to be a permanent arrangement. I recently went through a period of no-contact with my mother for about four months and it was very healing and allowed me to focus on myself and what boundaries I could set with my immediate family. My stepfather is also physically and emotionally abusive towards my mother and has a drug addiction. While he’s also more to “blame” in my family, my mom has made no steps towards “fixing” anything (therapy, rehab for him, etc.) and enables my stepfather’s behavior. It’s a tricky situation, I love my mother, but she’s subjected my siblings and I to a ridiculous amount of disfunction and when she made some hateful comments about my husband, I snapped and initiated the no-contact. My mom also thinks I overexaggerate my trauma, because she had it worse as a kid. Some of these things are cyclical and someone has to break the cycle. Do whatever you think is best for you, they’re adults who have made their choices. 

Post # 15
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee

I think it’s good that you were able to tell her that but it doesn’t sound like it changed the relationship on her end, unfortunately. We can’t change other people. I think if you remain in regular contact it will continue to be painful and stressful for you. There is always low contact if you don’t like the idea of no contact. I’m sorry that you have to go through this.

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