I really hate my family…

posted 8 months ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
1241 posts
Bumble bee

happiekrappie :  as some one who came from a Jerry Springer family, and escaped it at 17….

Do you. Do not tolerate emotional blackmail or drama. The moment the channel changes tell them it’s unacceptable.  Cut and run.” I am hanging up now, goodbye.” 

 

Teach them with your responses, what your boundaries are. You have no duty to be drawn.into their terminal drama. Treat them like the 5 year olds they are behaving like. 

Post # 32
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

Thanks for the interesting topic. I think many had problems with their family. To do this, it is worth thinking strategically and have some kind of benefit from every moment (comment moderated for self promotion) you can familiarize yourself with a number of strategies that will help you take a good rest from problems.

Post # 33
Hostess
3832 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

Patryk :  please take your spammy crap elsewhere. 

Post # 34
Member
6999 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Holy moly. Honestly I can’t imagine having this kind of toxic energy in my life. I know it’s easier said than done when you aren’t in the situation…but if it were me I’d be cutting ties and going no-contact. Like someone else said, you are not responisble for anyone else’s happiness. You should NOT be in the middle of their dysfunction and problems. 

Post # 35
Member
1054 posts
Bumble bee

happiekrappie :  This is an older thread but I wanted to comment to say that I really hope you are in a healthier and happier place. I come from a similar background and understand a bit about the turmoil you must be going through. Many hugs to you, bee. 

Post # 37
Member
1054 posts
Bumble bee

happiekrappie :  This is an amazing update, and I’ so proud of you for having this incredibly difficult conversation with your dad. You totally rock!

My father was also diagnosed with bipolar disorder. He’s currently being medicated. I don’t live near him but our limited interactions and the comments from others lead me to believe that he has drastically improved. It is due to this improvement that we are able to have somewhat of a relationship.

I wish you the best of luck!

Post # 38
Member
1123 posts
Bumble bee

Wonderful news Bee. I applaud you for what you did and are doing.

Post # 39
Member
10587 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

julies1949 :  

This.  Exactly, 100,000% this.  My only regret is that I waited until I was in my 40s to dump my horrible parents.

As a child, it was natural to believe things would get better.  It took decades for me to shake that off.

Life is short.

ETA:  I fell for the troll bump.

But, what an awesome update!

Post # 40
Member
10587 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

happiekrappie :  

This is great, Bee!  Bipolar is so treatable with therapy and meds.  It sounds like your father is sticking with it.  Treatment can be very hard in the beginning.  There is often a lot of trial and error with meds and dosing.  

Unfortunately, there are not many good outcomes with abusers.  Personality disorders don’t respond to treatment.

I am glad that your dad’s condition is one that is treatable.

Post # 42
Hostess
8426 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

happiekrappie :  Such a positive update. Well done for laying it all out for your Dad. Amazing. 

Post # 43
Member
10587 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

happiekrappie :  

 Your dad sounds like one of the very few who has the potential to turn it around.

There is an enormous difference between a mood disorder and a personality disorder.  The mood disorders are essentially biochemical.  Some traumas can cause disruptions in brain chemistry (this is exactly why ketamine therapy works especially well with PTSD). Maybe you can also inherit wacked out chemicals.  Lots of interesting research exists on this. FWIW, I would watch for drugs that affect glutamate as the next gen of antidepressants.  The SSRIs and SSNIs have been a huge disappointment.

Personality disorders just *are*.  Asking a Cluster B (low/no conscience PDs) to stop being an asshole is like asking him to get taller.  The new research on the Cluster Bs is really fascinating.  They’re finding structural and chemical differences in their brains.  So much for nature vs nurture.

*Some* do show mild improvements with antidepressants or anti anxiety meds; but, they usually are not reliable about taking meds.  

Bipolar is often a challenge to diagnose because it can present so much like Borderline PD, which is a Cluster B.  But, a correct diagnosis is crucial for treatment purposes.

I would be optimistic about your dad as long as he is willing to stay in therapy and consistently takes his meds.

What really separates the abusers who actually have some potential for change from the totally irredeemable majority is a willingness to own their abusiveness fully.  That includes *not* putting blame on the victim; not blaming *stress*, his job, or Mercury being in retrograde.

Did you ever read Lundy Bancroft’s book, Why Does He Do That? That might be a good read for you right now.

Post # 44
Member
59 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2020 - City, State

I realize that this is an older post but I can certainly relate to this. My mom was best friends with my aunt when she was 13 or so- so she’s been in my dad’s life forever. They got together really young and they don’t know how to live without each other. My mom had a few back surgeries and got hooked on pain killers while my dad is an alcoholic. My dad always supported us and my mom never worked. Growing up I was ALWAYS the mediator between their blowouts. Literally sending them both to their rooms (they never shared a bed for as long as I can remember). I would beg them to let it lie so I could go to sleep and go to school the next day. They always vent to me about each other and as a result I have grown up to be quite codependent. This is something that I am working on in therapy, so boundaries is something I am just learning for the first time. For the first time in my life about a month ago, I asked my mom never to ask me what she should do in her marriage again. It was a weird feeling. I didn’t realize how much of my upbringing flowed into my relationships with other people. Now I am conscious of giving unsolicited advice, I am learning to say NO (hopefully someday without guilt) and I know what I do NOT want to carry on into my marriage and the family that I build. I am choosing to break the cycle of dysfunction and not include my children in my issues. It is so hard to watch people who are miserable with each other but they refuse to do anything to change their situation. All I can do is learn from it and move on with my own life. I am so happy to hear that your family is getting some help and have a chance at a happier future. I hope that you can build a stronger relationship with your parents and let the old scars heal. 

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