Post # 1
I’ve never been a patient person. Even being engaged once before doesn’t seem to have taught me a lesson – even when it was mr. wrong.
Now that I’ve found my Mr. Right, it’s gotten even worse. We’re both 27, have good jobs, and between the two of us, own 2.5 homes (I own half of one with my parents that we rent out). Despite that being on the outside, and the fact that we can make ends meet (we don’t get behind on our bills, and we can go out for dinner a few times a month without it breaking the bank), there’s no savings. A ring, especially one I dream of, does not seem to be in the near future (forget a wedding on top of that. Ha.) Even if we were to stumble across $3k for my ring tomorrow, we still wouldn’t be able to afford a backyard shindig with 50 of our friends and family – and that’s shaving it waaaaay down, people. And hell, if I had to choose, I’d nix the wedding in favor of a great ring and just take an awesome honeymoon instead.
I hate it. I’m frustrated. SO many of our friends and classmates that we still hang out with are hitched, and many are in the process of expanding their newly minted families.
My SO is such a good leader, family man, and provider, that he’s insistent we pay down our debt before making these wedding related purchases. And while most of me admires him for that, about every three weeks the crazy takes over and I CAN’T STAND IT ANYMORE. The irrational kicks in: Why can’t he just throw caution to the wind? Why doesn’t he fall victim to the crazy, want to buy me a ring this instant and ask the woman he loves more than anything in this world to be his wife? Why doesn’t this bother him as much as it bothers me? Why doesn’t it nag the shit out of him every single day in the back of his mind?? Why is he content to relax at the end of the day with a beer in front of the TV, and my mind is so restless that I constantly find myself here, or scanning ebay and craigslist for screaming deals on loose diamonds? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?! WHY CAN’T I TURN IT OFF?!
I don’t have many girlfriends or close friends I can turn to. Hobbies that I enjoy typically cost a good amount of money on a regular basis that I should be saving to pay my credit cards down with. I do work out to help with the stress, but it’s not enough. I just can’t stand that I feel this way – And what worries me more is, what happens when he does propose? What happens I do have the ring of my dreams? Am I going to feel the same way because now I have to wait just as long for the wedding we have to save up for? And what after that? When does it stop?
WHAT THE HELL HAS HAPPENED TO ME?!
Post # 3
@VintageDivine: Why doesn’t he fall victim to the crazy, want to buy me a ring this instant and ask the woman he loves more than anything in this world to be his wife? Why doesn’t this bother him as much as it bothers me?
That is my question, too. If he loves me and wants to start his life with me, what is stopping him?? He should want it so bad that he would do it tomorrow with a milk carton ring if he had to! I know he wants things to be perfect, but I just want HIM, however that may come.
I have come to accept that guys just have their own agendas. We can tell them how we feel but ultimately, in this situation, it’s just when they are good and ready. Hopefully he is listening to you and absorbing what you are saying and starting to think of getting a ring/starting a life together. We all feel the way you do, sometimes and all of the time. It really sucks that money has to get in the way of happiness. Maybe when he does propose you can have a small, intimate wedding so you won’t have to wait as long. They can still be absolutely beautiful and memorable.
My fingers are crossed for you–Hugs!!!
Post # 4
“Why doesn’t it nag the shit out of him every single day in the back of his mind?? Why is he content to relax at the end of the day with a beer in front of the TV, and my mind is so restless that I constantly find myself here, or scanning ebay and craigslist for screaming deals on loose diamonds? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?! WHY CAN’T I TURN IT OFF?!”
HaHa, I feel exactly the same way! BF is frugal with money as well, sometimes to the point of being so tight that he squeaks, but I digress. In my opinion, the entire ritual of proposing and getting married is an investment in our future together, both emotionally and financially. But apparently, men don’t think that way, sigh.
@yellowlinedpage:I also wouldn’t mind if it were a milk carton ring, lol. I’ve even told him he could give me a bubble gum ring, and I would cherish it just as much as if it were a glacier from Tiffany’s.
On a related note, doesn’t it seem like b/c we are just bursting with emotions and the desire to be their wife, that it’s kinda like we feel that we love them more (in this particular window of time, not in the grand scheme of things) than they love us? Because they’re not bursting with the need to marry us as much as we want to marry them? Even though logically we know better? But our girl brains take over, grrr! lol I know it sounds a little childish, but I can’t help the way I feel.
Post # 5
I know in this economy it’s hard not to feel like a victim of your (and your SO’s) finances.
Do you really need a 3k ring of your dreams? Or would something more modest or a CZ work for you?
@Wonderwoman217: right! like a bubble gum ring!
If you really want to get married you can get rings for $100 and make that backyard shindig a potluck 😉
Post # 6
wow a 3K ring? thats alot for a ring… you can get rings for 300 that would look nice too if money is the issue.
Post # 7
I agree with @DreamingBee what is more important: the 3K ring or a proposal?
It sounds like you and bf aren’t exactly on the same page about marriage and maybe even some fiances. I would sit down so you can each go over your goals and expectations. It’s not going to help the situation stressing so much – maybe councelling would be a positive idea.
and thought it’s been said a thousand times here: don’t just get married b/c all your friends are! It’s a personal decision between the 2 of you, not a club! You can move forward when you’re both ready.
and what about you working together towards joint finances for a ring and wedding? you can cut back on expenses, eating out, crafting, maybe work more or pick up part time job? eat cheaper – rice & beans (no meat or desserts or highly processed foods), carpool to work, donate plasma, sell stuff or electronics you don’t need etc.
Post # 8
At the risk of sounding superficial and spoiled, yes, I do need the $3k ring. I’d actually really really really want something larger, in the $6k range if you were to go retail (which I don’t want to do), but I realize that’s not realistic. And it’s not like I’m sitting here saying, “It has to cost XX amount of money” – It’s more the size and quality that I’m looking for, and I’ve found those for less than $3k. I don’t even WANT a Tiffany ring, I think they’re overpriced, albeit nice quality. I’d be insanely thrilled if he found a 1.25ct cushion cut with good clarity and color for around $3k! That’d be amazing, and I’d be so proud of him for it.
I would marry him tomorrow without one, but he wants to be able to give me the ring of my dreams. He’s just that kind of man – I don’t think he’d feel like it was as official if there wasn’t a significant investment in a ring either (and honestly, I don’t think I would either).
Like I said, I just hate that I feel this way. Please don’t bash me for it, I know it sounds shallow.
Post # 9
So there’s a big problem going on here with diamonds!! Has anyone ever read the article “Have you ever tried to sell a diamond?” (please please read it! It was super interesting too) They make rings way out of the price range of normal people!
And then when people want to sell rings, they can’t sell them! I was previously engaged and I have a beautiful ring that I can’t get rid of, don’t know what to do about and then I hear about all of these girls who really want rings… it’s a bad cycle!!!
PS I’d like the 1.25 ct ring for 3k too!
Post # 10
I’m not bashing you, Vintage- but marriage is all about compromise. You’re asking him to ignore his values of security for a piece of jewelery and one day. You two will have to work together for that goal of marriage- (not the wedding- but the lifetime.)
That means getting your finances together. If you don’t think you could save up to afford a backyard shindig, or enjoy hobbies because you have to pay down your credit card- it sounds like you’re far away from financial security.
Secondly, it seems like you really do need a (cheap) hobby or other goals to work towards. You can’t depend on your SO for your own happiness. Why don’t you find something where you can find more friends- even a part-time job might put extra money in the pocket and provide some friends?
I find when I’m obsessing over one thing that is wrong in my life- I’m ignoring all the other things that would bring me joy.
I hope this helps!
Post # 11
@VintageDivine: I agree. I told my bf the same thing… I don’t need anything special right away. It’s the thought behind it… The meaning of it, that counts the most. And when we have enough money we can get it upgraded. But my man sounds a lot like yours… It’s got to be great. Something that he can be proud of, and something that we can show off. It’s all about pride for them. They want to show us that they can provide for us.
I told my b/f that I’d be happy with nothing at all. But he said: “What will you tell people when they ask to see your ring and you don’t have one? They won’t take you seriously, and it will make me look like a cheap idiot”.
Post # 12
Sorry, I’m really emotional this week, and didn’t really clarify – we really are on the same page financially and emotionally. He wants this just as much as I do, and is frustrated – but it doesn’t drive him mad like it does me it seems. He was doing extremely well financially up until last year (hence his ability to purchase two houses, one as a rental) and now is making about $20k less a year than he was before. We are very responsible financially, I’ve just paid off my student loans and am now tackling my CC, we’ve just sold some electronics and things we don’t need to start a ‘ring fund’…but it’s just all so slow going. You can’t purchase the great deals on craigs’ with a credit card. I do have a part time job, but it’s not one where friends are abundant – I face paint for company picnics, birthdays, etc. on the weekends, and it does pay very well. I had to save up about $1200 to fix my car over the summer, and was able to pay for the repairs in cash and keep it off my CC.
I tell you, I’m crazy! We’re doing everything possible to fix our situation, including changing where we shop for groceries, but it’s very slow change. Thank you all for listening, I know this isn’t sounding like a rational mind.
Post # 13
VintageDivine, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and ask, why does he need 2 homes? I realize they are probably investments, but he has to come to a point and realize if he wants a future with you. If you both are struggling to pay off debt, would it make sense to sell one of the houses?
I hear you on wanting the 3k ring, I don’t feel that is shallow at all. You just have to figure out a way to compromise on it. You both really need to be discussing your timeline because you could be on two totally different pages, and at some point, you have to accept waiting, or move on if it’s not what you want.
I also recommend taking up a part time job, it’ll help you save and keep you busy.
Post # 14
@VintageDivine: I think i’d be more worried that you own 2.5 homes but don’t have savings. Those investments don’t really mean anything if you don’t have a cushion or rainy day fund. I think you need to concentrate on that instead of a ring, honestly. Marriage is about stability and creating a good foundation for your life. I think financial stability trumps ring purchases, in my opinion.
Post # 15
@europomme: He purchased two homes when he could afford it – he realizes now what a mistake it was. The rental is upside down, so he can’t sell it without taking a loss on it.
Post # 16
Yes, thank you, crayfish. That’s why we haven’t purchased one yet. We realize that.