Post # 1
Hi Everyone. I’ve been reading the websites for quite a long time and really value everyone opinion. As I’m a bit inexperienced, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 1yr and 9months. He’s 38 and i’m 29 and met while we worked in the same company. However, i’m currently in between jobs right now. We’ve moved in about 6 months into the relationship and since then we’ve been talking about engagement alot. He has always told me that he will do it and even went to look at engagement rings. But I think for him, when it comes to actually pulling the trigger, he seems not able to do it. So for a year, he has been telling me that it will be “soon” and it will be by the end of 2012 and now its 2013 and we are still the same status quo as before.
End of last year, he told me that he was going to be relocated to another ccountry (4hrs from where we currently live) and I told him at that time that he needs to put a ring on my finger for me to move for him…and he said “i know”
However as we are edging closer to the moving date (4 weeks to be exact) he has not done anything. We had a talk before and he said not to rush him and he doesn’t feel like theres enough time between now and the move. I was extremely hurt because i felt like he had a whole year of preparation. Long story short, i told him that I love him and I dont want to give him any pressure but even my parents dont feel comfortabe with my move. But I love him and want to be with him unconditionally.
Now as we are getting close to the moving date, i’m becoming more stressed. I am not sure if i should believe him that he will propose to me after we move or I should just tell him maybe its better I stay where I am. What do you think I should do?? I’ve had so many sleepless nights over this. When we are not fighting, we always passingly talk about have kids together soon but never about weddings/marriage.
He said that I shouldn’t push him and everytime we talk about it, he feels like i’m pushing him and slows him down. So the sitting him down to talk about where do you see us in the future has long been beaten to death. We want to be together but it seems like he wants to get married but too scared to pull the trigger and time is running and i feel so frustrated and angry at him for the empty promises…
Post # 3
@stressedandmorestressed: You gave him your condition (propose or you won’t move) and he agreed. You’ve answered your own question, love. Stick to your guns! You two are old enough to know it’s time or not. When he sees you not packing up, he’ll either promise you right then and there, or he won’t. Then you’ll know.
Post # 4
6 weeks ago he said that its not enough time. So I shouldn’t be expecting anything but if I really go ahead with the move, i feel like i’m losing all my leverage and he may/may not propose..
Post # 5
If you seriously wouldn’t move to be with him, then don’t. I wouldn’t compromise how I feel no matter how much I love the person. If it’s only 4 hours away, how easy would it be to visit and do the long distance thing? That might put things into perspective.
Post # 7
You said you are between jobs. Are there more prospects for you in the area where he will be moving? Only if it were beneficial to you career wise would I move without an engagement.
Honestly though it sounds like he’s not ready. The fact that you mentioning it causes him to freak out and say that you’re pressuring him and he’s not ready isn’t a really good sign.
I would only move if you are OK with being ringless for a while. It doesn’t sound like he’s ready to get down on a knee anytime in the soon future.
Post # 8
Don’t move. Tell him when he proposes, you’ll move with him. End the conversation of weddings there. And consider that he might never propose – would you stay with him if you aren’t married? If not, maybe you give yourself a personal-secret-walk-date.
Post # 9
If you hadn’t already put that condition to him I would say take a risk and follow your heart, but if he you move with him he will think he doesn’t have to propose. So I think you should wait it out, try a long-distance and hopefully he will see he wants you out there! You haven’t been dating that long, I’m surprised that he has been promising this for so long but obviousely he isn’t quite ready. You need to stick to your guns if you are really desperate for a proposal.
If you just love him and want to live for now, and that ring isn’t the be all and end all, then move with him
Post # 11
If this is really important to you — and it sounds like it is — I think you need to stick to what you’ve said. Plan to go forward from here as if he is NOT proposing and he is moving without you. If you want to, add that you still love him and want to be in a relationship with him, but that it will obviously have to be long distance for now. Either he’ll move without you and miss you terribly and propose within a year, or he’ll realize he doesn’t want to propose and things will end naturally. EITHER WAY, even though one result might make you very sad, in the long run you will be on the path that’s the right one for you.
Post # 12
I believe at his age (which is close to my age) he knows if it is right or not at this point. He should have sown his wild oats and matured and be ready to settle down with the person he feels is right for him.
He knows your conditions. If he doesn’t propose, I would not move if marriage is truely important to you. His words may be saying he isn’t ready, etc but his actions are telling you that he has doubts he is in this relationship for the long haul. Anytime with men if the words and actions are saying 2 different things…listen to the actions.
Post # 13
Thank you all for such fast and helpful feedback. I sometimes do think that he is ready and sometimes I have doubts. For instance – He has told all of his friends and colleagues that he will propose to me and he has even looked at rings with his co-workers. Few months back, I have purchased a flat intended for investment purposes but we ended moving there together for ourselves. He financed our renovation and currently paying for the mortgage. So sometimes he tells me that if he werent serious, he would invest so much emotionally as well as financally to our relationship. However, when we have fights, it seems everything goes out of the window and we need to start back at base one.
Reasons that I do want to move with him
-I want to show him that I love him unconditionally (which i do..but I do want to get married and have a family with him)
-Maybe if i take this leap of faith, maybe he will as well?
-He is so eager and really want me to move with him that he offers to cover for everything
Reasons I dont want to move with him
– I feel like if I move with him, he will never feel the urgency to propose since I have already dropped everything for him
-I’m scared that if we dont work out, I will be on my own in a foreign country.
Post # 14
@stressedandmorestressed: I think he should know by now. If you move I’m wondering if you guys will ever get engaged since everything will stay the same. Will you be ok in the relationship if you never get married?
Post # 15
@AlwaysSunny: No..i don’t think I’ll be able too. He knows clearly that I want a family
Post # 16
@FEDORAble: The job prospect is the pretty much the same as I’m in a quite lucky to be in a generic field that allows me to relocate.