(Closed) I really need advice – So much bad blood in my family

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2011

How large is your wedding? (Did I read correctly that you’ve sent a STD to your Dad’s ex’s brother and her daughter (who is not your step/half-sister?)

It sounds like a bit of a sticky situation.  But not uncommon.  The important thing is to do what YOU want to do on your day and be ready to deal with any consequences (because it sounds like there may be consequences.)

In My Humble Opinion, your relationship with your Mother is more important than your relationship with your Dad’s ex and her progeny.  Not that you shouldn’t consider their feelings.  It may be awkward, but if you decide to not send them a formal invitation (and check the ettiquette here…) a phone call to explain (with perhaps a little white lie that you just over-estimated the head-count).

On the other hand, your Mom may be more forgiving (especially if she was ready to suppress her feelings on the subject in the first place.) If it’s a very large wedding, her prominence as Mother of the Bride may be a busy enough role that she would not know if the ex (et al) are in attendance or not… ya know?  

If it were me, I would probably respect my Mother’s feelings first and foremost.  And hope the others are adult enough to understand and… uhm… just get over it.

Post # 4
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Just re-read… “My dad says that he will call the ex and just let her know the situation.”  

Perfect.  Sounds like you have support.  Accept his help with the situation and don’t worry about it anymore.  

If it causes issues in relationships, those folks just aren’t being very realistic.  But they (God forbid) would understand completely if they’re ever in your (or your Mother’s) shoes sometime in the future.

The biggest obstacle to your peace of mind and sanity is to try to please everyone else.  

Post # 6
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I know this phrase is over-used, but… It is easier to ask forgiveness than permission.

You don’t have to get defensive or too apologetic over a bit of confusion in the guest list.  A sincere “I’m so sorry, but I felt so overwhelmed before the wedding and had to make some quick decisions.  No offense was intended and I know you were there in spirit.”  might suffice.

Families (especially such extended families like yours) have to have some kind of glue that keep them together despite (and especially because) of their convolutedness!  I’m impressed that you’re connected to these relations. 

There may be some clean-up afterward.  But let your Dad handle it now.  If anyone questions you, see the above phrase I’ve suggested.  Practice saying it in the mirror with the sweetest of smiles.

Post # 7
Member
19 posts
Newbee

NO family, friends only? Think about it, if none of them talk to you again, your life is just a little easier, really.

Seriously, I thought it would come to that, but I just decided to not invite my dad’s side of the family at all since really I only just met them and they seem to always have their hand out, asking for something from me when I can’t even afford myself. Now the drama will be getting my grandmother to realize she is not inviting HER friends, like she tried to do at my cousin’s wedding.

Post # 8
Member
2161 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

What if your dad says something like the wedding got way too big for your comfort level and you had to cut down the guest list.  

Post # 9
Member
42 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2012

IMO  just have them come and talk to them before they get to your party reminding them to be cordial (SP?) to everyone My mother-in -law is paranoid too and its super annoying because this sounds like the type of thing she would do. odds are she wont even talk to  the ex and will be giving her the silent treatment/ignoring her the whole time which i think is ruder  because the ex is coming out of her way to be with you on your special day and will be also put in the awkward situation. However if either of them lean toward confrontational violent drama just have the ex not come and save yourself some anguish, apologize and hope for the best.

Post # 11
Bee
979 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008 - A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park

My FI’s dad expressed some discomfort over us inviting his long-term ex and Justin’s mom, when we are extremely close to all of them and it would be unfathomable for us not to invite them. We realized he was just venting because it was an emotional milestone for him and our marriage was bringing up some memories. We took the time to tell him that we understand his feelings and his discomfort and why he would feel that way. We then very carefully told him that while we appreciate that he is open with us, that he will have to set aside his issues for this day. We explained that our wedding day is a celebration of our union and that we are inviting those who are important to us, and that we are sure that of all the people who will be there, he can find someone with whom to occupy himself if he feels awkward (his current partner was our officiant for chrissakes).

We did bitch about it behind his back (how dare he foist his drama on us!) but to his face we tried to be both understanding but firm. It worked, and of course there were no issues on the day-of. If you REALLY don’t want to invite your dad’s ex and it would be very bad, then take back your invitation. What I would do, however, is to tell your mom you understand… and be sympathetic but firm with your decision to extend an invitation to your bro/sis’s mom. She is family too, in a way, after all.

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