(Closed) I REALLY need help with a difficult best friend/ bridesmaid issue :( LONG

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1684 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

This is a tough situation.

However, I think you’ve invested far more than she has in this relationship.  People grow up and people grow apart.  If she can’t be bothered to meet with you over coffee for you to ask her to be a bridesmaid, how will she had time for the dress shopping and party planning that being a bridemaid entails?

She hasn’t made you a priority.  You want people standing up there with you that do.  You want people you can count on to be there.

If you really want her in your wedding, I’d give her a small role: one where it doesn’t really matter if she drops the ball.

I’ll be blunt: it kind of sounds like she’s only you friend because you’ve made it so easy for her to be.  She’s been selfish, and your entire relationship is based on making her feel good and you making concessions.  You deserve better.

Believe me, a real friend would have been excited about your wedding from the get-go and not try to make you feel bad for getting engaged.  She would also not be petty and jealous when it comes time to pick your bridal party.

Post # 5
Member
1311 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Hun, It looks to me like you are convenience friend. This doesn’t seam like a true friendship to me. If you do have her as your bridesmaid, you will face struggles throughout. It doesn’t look like you can count on her and it looks like she is more interested in her and her drama then yours.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is the right thing. 

Post # 7
Member
12247 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

Not even a LITTLE worth your time! I’d be “Just SO busy!” Until she calls or texts to ask how YOUR life is going, for once! Don’t hold your breath, though…

Post # 8
Member
496 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Wow, I feel like I’m in a very similar situation, only I asked my ‘friend’ to be a bridesmaid. She wouldn’t meet me for coffee either so I eventually asked her over the phone. In a way I regret it. She’s not there for me at all. Doesn’t answer my FB messages, doesn’t text or answer my phone calls. She’s always “so busy” and gives the lamest excuses. I asked her though because I thought she’d be so hurt if I didn’t. I convinced myself that I didn’t want her there in the first place, and that it wouldn’t matter if she wasn’t interested/involved at all and just stood up for me that day… but I was kind of wrong about that. It’s hurtful. 

So unless you really think you can handle having her in your wedding party, I don’t know if it’s worth it. But I totally understand about not wanting to lose what you two do have… it’s tough. 

Post # 9
Member
1448 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I would not have her in the wedding party.  That is just asking for all kinds of trouble.

I recently asked an old friend to be in my wedding party.  We live too far apart so I had to ask over the phone; she honestly sounded like she didn’t want to do it, and never drummed up any of the enthusiasm that the other bridesmaids had.  Not everyone has to be excited for my wedding, but I would hope that my bridesmaids would be!  Anyway, I let the girls pick their dresses within a line and fabric type, and over the course of almost two weeks she never provided any input, only to say later that she couldn’t wear any of the dresses in the chosen line.  This whole conflict ended up ruining the friendship (and she is no longer in the wedding), but in retrospect it doesn’t seem like it was really much of one to begin with.

Look at your situation as a learning experience.  Sometimes the people we value don’t value us in return.

Post # 10
Member
5660 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I”m sorry, I know how it feels to invest so much in other people and have them treat you like this. I can tell you that this person is NOT a good friend to you and probably never will be. Her priority clearly is and always has been herself. You will be better off without this person in your life to be honest. There is no friendship in the world that is worth stressing and worrying about another person and their life’s decisions this much when they don’t even make good decisions themseles NO amount of being a good friend to her will make her grow up or treat you or anyone else better than she does. 

Post # 12
Member
381 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I was in a somewhat similar situation – maybe not similar as to what happened in our friendship and how she started not hanging around the same group of friends but well she changed – or maybe I just grew up.  She also complained, whined, seeked attention from guys (is still single and hasn’t had a real relationship since HS).  We were slowly drifting apart, when I first got engaged her response to me was “IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?” that right there should have been a big red flag for me.  Things went on and I was going dress shopping – she asked if she could come, then she asked if I can drive her and when she got in my car she ASKED “CAN I BE A BRIDESMAID?” – I didn’t quite answer at the time but after that she just kidn of kept on asking and being a pain about it.  Stupid me said yes and let me tell you – she was the worst Bridesmaid or Best Man anyone could ever ask for.

She didn’t seem to care about the wedding planning

She decided not to attend the bridal shower

She decided not to attend the bachelorette party

She was late to the rehearsal (about 45 minutes late)

She was late (1 hour late) the day of the wedding

She said she was bringing a date to the wedding (her cousin) and her cousin didnt show up – she said he had other things to do

The day of the wedding she made every attempt to be RIGHT NEXT TO me in almost every picture

Apparently she made a big stink at the banquet hall because she was going to be sitting on the end of the head table (we had a two tier head table) so we technically had 2 end seats and she wasn’t happy about sitting there so she asked the other girls to move over

She left the reception without saying BYE – I’m not even sure what time she left.  I can go on and on for ages about things she did wrong and things she did that made me realize that it was a mistake to say yes, but its all good – I haven’t talked to her since the wedding and have no intentions of talking to her either.

LONG STORY SHORT – your friend doesnt sound like a good person.  Your BMs are supposed to be people you truely think will be there for you when you’re old and gray.  I made a mistake, please don’t! and save yourself the trouble

 

Post # 13
Member
1848 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

She sounds like the friend I had an issue with. My friend is much better to speak to in person. She’s less likely to be nasty and less likely to be a shademonster.

This is tough because I can’t tell you to just up and leave the friendship since I’m going through something very similar. If you cut her out, will you feel pained or relieved? If you don’t speak to her for a few weeks, do you miss her friendship? If not, you might want to consider that you two have grown apart. It’s extremely hard and it’s totally yours to make.

She does seem to not have grown up, and that’s the problem I have with some of my HS friends…they don’t really progress past high school in terms of maturity. If you asked her for help and she failed to respond at all, er…yeah. That’s rude.

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