Post # 1
Hi bees.. I am in need of some help… 🙁 Well, Fiance and I have not always been on steady ground. The first 6 months of our relationship were AMAZING.. but when is it not? Things went south VERY quickly when Fiance told his parents about our relationship. Fiance broke up with me 3 times for his parents..because they were unhappy that I have children. They are a different culture than I am..so apparently this is a big deal for them. Since that point..pretty much ever time Fiance and his parents talk they tell him how dissapointed they are, how much shame that he has brought upon them and stuff like that….it had gotten so bad at one point that Fiance stopped talking to them all together for months. Needless to say his parents were not too happy about us getting engaged or sending invitations to his side of the family. With them there is never anything good that we could do to help the situation. If we did send an invitation…(we did).. they were saying that its a shame that his own parents have to be formally invited instead of just knowing they would be there. But they say that they are not coming. If we didn’t send an invitation…it would be a shame that we didn’t send an invitation to his own family. That is just one example of how there is no way for us to win. They yell and scream and rant and rave (yes, those type of people)..Fiance is always in tears. We have kind of gotten used to this though, this isnt the issue. The issue is that..I feel alone. when Fiance is with his parents.. its like a big F_U to myself and my children. He chooses to be around these people who continues to call his wife and children (he says that he considers my kids like his own and my children call him daddy) a whore and very bad names.. saying we will never be a part of their family.. they are just low down dirty people. They have even gone so far as threatening physical harm upon me and Fiance does not stand up for us at all. He just ignores them when they say/do things. I feel like Fiance really wants his family at our wedding (in a couple months) and recently he went to his parents for the holidays and will be going back for xmas and prob new years also.. (I will be with my family)… they have told Fiance on this trip that if he waits (2-4 years) that they will give him money/pay for the wedding. They have also stated that they would try to form a relationship with me and my children. To which I respond…excuse me? They hated me for YEARS, they have talked down to OUR children.. we are getting married in months and they want to ask us to postpone for YEARS?! I pointed all of these things out to Fiance and how they are essientially trying to bribe him while buying time for us to break up. My family has paid for A LOT with this wedding already but Fiance is angry with me that I am not jumping for joy at this situation/offer. Please tell me that I am not crazy for knowing that his parents dont have a good track reccord with us.. and that just because this is their offer..it doesnt mean that this will actually happen 2) we are getting married in months and my family has paid for it.. what is the difference if his family pays for it now? 3) They spent 4+ years hating me.. is it fair for me to assume now that they were trying to cause pain when they could have tried to form a relationship with me? Fiance and I are not even talking right now because of it… I literally feel sick to my stomach thinking about him and his lack of balls when it comes to his parents.. and the fact that they talk down to the person who he will be “forsaking all others” for.. yet, they can do no wrong. I really just want this to be over. advice please.
Post # 3
Your fiance needs to decide where he stands with his relationship with you. It’s unfortunate that his parents are unwilling to accept you, but no one can force them to like you. If he wants to be with you, he needs to stand up to them and tell them that they cannot dictate who he loves and marries. If that means disassociating himself from them in order to be with you, then so be it. You two need to step back and reassess your relationship to see where you plan to go from here. What his parents think is irrelevant in the long run but he needs to decde if he’s going to side with them or you.
Post # 4
Sadly, I don’t think marriage will change a single thing about your situation. Family will always be family and its a very tricky situation for some cultures to just completely ex-communicate them selves.
As for your frusteration with FI’s lack or balls or responses, maybe you should put a hold on things wedding wise and really come to a final conclusion on things with him. Being resentful and emotionally destroyed will leave you nothing but miserable.
You are correct to say his parents have a bad track record.
Also- could you edit your post and include some breaks, so its not just one big paragraph? I’m having trouble reading it !
Post # 5
@undercoverbee-er: Maybe they have finally realized that their son is marrying you no matter what.
You don’t have to take them up on the offer to wait a few years for your wedding, but I think it’s a good idea to take them up on the offer to get to know you better.
You can do it on your terms, but it sounds like they might be extending a bit of an olive branch (albeit a small one).
Maybe start with a more neutral scenario. Dinner out with your Fiance, his parents, and you. And then later maybe an outing with your children as well. Maybe something like mini golf where you don’t have to talk a lot but can if you want.
I would take it slow and take everything with a grain of salt, but if you marry Fiance they will be your in-laws and if you can create at least a tolerable relationship, the years will be much easier down the road.
This is a really tough situation that you’ve been put in, but as crappy as they have been to you, you can maybe help make this relationship tolerable going forward.
Since they have threatened violence, you need to make sure you have shorter and public meetings with them for a while until you are fully comfortable with them.
((Hugs)) to you.
ETA: If this olive branch really doesn’t exist and I’m being too much of an optimist then your Fiance has to choose. You and your children, or his parents. He cannot have it both ways. If his parents do not accept you and your children, he needs to put you and your children first and his parents need to know that if they treat you poorly they will not see their son.
Post # 6
And what is your wedding date? I got confused cause you said you were getting married in months and the date is years…
Maybe you two need some couples counseling, he should be standing up for his family to his parents. I’m sure it’s hard but they know best ho push his buttons, maybe a third independant party taking a look at it would help him see what’s going on.
Post # 7
ouch. 1) i would tell him that the offer is not acceptable, plain and simple. the wedding is planned and ready to happen and should only be postponed if he does NOT want to marry you. if he does (which i think so!) then you’re getting married in a few months and that’s that. 2) it seems like he’s trying or at least tried to show he’s on your side since he distanced himself from them in the past but i would push for consistency. his parents need to see that he means business (ie; getting married in 2 months, spend holidays together instead of with each of your families, if you directly/indirectly talk shit on my FW/wife/kids then i will immediately leave, etc). i’d outline what your expectations are with him in order to make this marriage work. if he is committed to you and your kids then he may just feel overwhelmed by his parents’ BS and need a gameplan.
Post # 8
@undercoverbee-er: I completely agree with your thought process that his parents are just trying to buy time for something to go wrong, bribing your Fiance and you with paying for the wedding. It is as though they are saying that in 2-4 years they would accept you because they can’t open their hearts to you now. Huh? Your Fiance is falling for it as he is their son.
Ember78 nailed it. Listen to yourself, and best wishes to you.
Post # 9
In this situation, he needs to pick you or them. Things won’t get better once you are married
Post # 10
@Ember78: The thing is.. he has done this.. To the point of changing his numbers/email addresses/ blocking them on every outlet.. somehow they always find another way to belittle him and our relationship.
@Eva Peron: If they completely excommunicated themselves it would help us a lot. They continuously turn up and curse and yell and scream and just inject bad energy into our lives.
@KatNYC2011: I think you are right, they have realized that we will be getting married no matter what.. thats is why they decided to bribe him. They are not saying that they will start to get to know me… they are saying they will start to get to know me ONLY if we postpone. Thats the thing with them.. they want what they want ONLY under their terms. I have tried so many times to be friendly and respectful towards them.. only to be slapped in the face. Fi and I both have. He is seriously living in a dream world if he believes that they are going to change..and he is angry at me for not agreeing. I dont actually believe that it is an olive branch.. its a stall.
@HisIrishPrincess: the date is not a real one. I wanted to keep dates and all info under wraps. But yes, I feel like we would benefit from counseling.. but we are LDR
Post # 11
@undercoverbee-er: Ah ok, didn’t see that the getting to know you was on the condition that you postpone.
In that case, your Fiance needs to pick and he needs to put his foot down.
Couples counseling might help a bit so you can be sure your side is heard with a neutral party around to help facilitate.
I wish you all the best, this is not an easy place to be in.
ETA: Saw that you are LDR. Would you both be willing to work through a book together? A good one is “The Seven Principles of Making a Marriage Work”. I think you can get it on amazon. It has a lot of exercises for each of you to do separately and come together to discuss.
Post # 12
@elliestan: I did tell him that it wasnt acceptable. He spent hours arguing with his parents and failed to call/text or anything for a day. One second we are talking then next NOTHING for a whole day. This may not sound like much but when you are LDR.. it is a lot.. I then explained to him that his parents are picking so much time because they want to buy time… they know that it is absurd and that we wouldnt accept and therefore it will just be something else to hold over our heads. God forbid that we did take the offer and they paid for the wedding.. how long would we need to hear about it after? Only bad can come of this. And Only bad IS coming of it.. as Fiance and I are not speaking right now…
@Cornflakegirl: the thing is.. if it takes 2-4 years to accept me.. they should accept me by now because we have been together longer than that! I don’t understand why parents would consciously close their hearts and minds and lives to someone when they have the ability to be open and understanding. I don’t think that is the case though. It is a money bribe.
Post # 13
@KatNYC2011: At this point.. I am open to anything. I will take a look at the book right now. Thanks for your help!
Post # 14
Even if he has attempted to do this in the past, he needs to lay down the law and be very firm that they are not allowed to contact him and manipulate him. I would definitely look into getting a restraining order since this is harrassment and if he isn’t able to stand up to them, then the police need to be involved, for everyone’s safety.
Post # 15
@undercoverbee-er: oh believe me, i know what you mean. i’m also in a LDR and going a day without communication? nu-uh. but still, that only addresses pt. 1 of what i said. when you guys talk again, there needs to be some resolution. i’m sure he’s tired of the back and forth and fighting, hopefully you guys and come up with a way forward and he sees that they aren’t giving it at all, actually. it’s just an artifice.
Post # 16
@undercoverbee-er: Ugh, it really sounds like to me that they are trying to stall things. :/ Your Fiance needs to grow a pair and choose what’s best for you and your children as you will be his family too.