(Closed) I really need help…

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4485 posts
Honey bee

Your fiance needs to decide where he stands with his relationship with you. It’s unfortunate that his parents are unwilling to accept you, but no one can force them to like you. If he wants to be with you, he needs to stand up to them and tell them that they cannot dictate who he loves and marries. If that means disassociating himself from them in order to be with you, then so be it. You two need to step back and reassess your relationship to see where you plan to go from here. What his parents think is irrelevant in the long run but he needs to decde if he’s going to side with them or you.

Post # 4
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Sadly, I don’t think marriage will change a single thing about your situation. Family will always be family and its a very tricky situation for some  cultures to just completely ex-communicate them selves.

As for your frusteration with FI’s lack or balls or responses, maybe you should put a hold on things wedding wise and really come to a final conclusion on things with him. Being resentful and emotionally destroyed will leave you nothing but miserable.

You are correct to say his parents have a bad track record.

Also- could you edit your post and include some breaks, so its not just one big paragraph? I’m having trouble reading it !

Post # 5
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@undercoverbee-er: Maybe they have finally realized that their son is marrying you no matter what.

You don’t have to take them up on the offer to wait a few years for your wedding, but I think it’s a good idea to take them up on the offer to get to know you better.

You can do it on your terms, but it sounds like they might be extending a bit of an olive branch (albeit a small one).

Maybe start with a more neutral scenario. Dinner out with your Fiance, his parents, and you. And then later maybe an outing with your children as well. Maybe something like mini golf where you don’t have to talk a lot but can if you want.

I would take it slow and take everything with a grain of salt, but if you marry Fiance they will be your in-laws and if you can create at least a tolerable relationship, the years will be much easier down the road.

This is a really tough situation that you’ve been put in, but as crappy as they have been to you, you can maybe help make this relationship tolerable going forward.

Since they have threatened violence, you need to make sure you have shorter and public meetings with them for a while until you are fully comfortable with them.

 

((Hugs)) to you.

ETA: If this olive branch really doesn’t exist and I’m being too much of an optimist then your Fiance has to choose. You and your children, or his parents. He cannot have it both ways. If his parents do not accept you and your children, he needs to put you and your children first and his parents need to know that if they treat you poorly they will not see their son.

Post # 6
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

And what is your wedding date?  I got confused cause you said you were getting married in months and the date is years…

Maybe you two need some couples counseling, he should be standing up for his family to his parents.  I’m sure it’s hard but they know best ho push his buttons, maybe a third independant party taking a look at it would help him see what’s going on.

Post # 7
Member
3166 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

ouch. 1) i would tell him that the offer is not acceptable, plain and simple. the wedding is planned and ready to happen and should only be postponed if he does NOT want to marry you. if he does (which i think so!) then you’re getting married in a few months and that’s that. 2) it seems like he’s trying or at least tried to show he’s on your side since he distanced himself from them in the past but i would push for consistency. his parents need to see that he means business (ie; getting married in 2 months, spend holidays together instead of with each of your families, if you directly/indirectly talk shit on my FW/wife/kids then i will immediately leave, etc). i’d outline what your expectations are with him in order to make this marriage work. if he is committed to you and your kids then he may just feel overwhelmed by his parents’ BS and need a gameplan.

Post # 8
Member
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@undercoverbee-er: I completely agree with your thought process that his parents are just trying to buy time for something to go wrong, bribing your Fiance and you with paying for the wedding. It is as though they are saying that in 2-4 years they would accept you because they can’t open their hearts to you now. Huh? Your Fiance is falling for it as he is their son.

Ember78 nailed it. Listen to yourself, and best wishes to you.

Post # 9
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

In this situation, he needs to pick you or them. Things won’t get better once you are married

Post # 11
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@undercoverbee-er: Ah ok, didn’t see that the getting to know you was on the condition that you postpone.

In that case, your Fiance needs to pick and he needs to put his foot down.

Couples counseling might help a bit so you can be sure your side is heard with a neutral party around to help facilitate.

I wish you all the best, this is not an easy place to be in.

ETA: Saw that you are LDR. Would you both be willing to work through a book together? A good one is “The Seven Principles of Making a Marriage Work”. I think you can get it on amazon. It has a lot of exercises for each of you to do separately and come together to discuss.

Post # 14
Member
4485 posts
Honey bee

Even if he has attempted to do this in the past, he needs to lay down the law and be very firm that they are not allowed to contact him and manipulate him. I would definitely look into getting a restraining order since this is harrassment and if he isn’t able to stand up to them, then the police need to be involved, for everyone’s safety.

Post # 15
Member
3166 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@undercoverbee-er: oh believe me, i know what you mean. i’m also in a LDR and going a day without communication? nu-uh. but still, that only addresses pt. 1 of what i said. when you guys talk again, there needs to be some resolution. i’m sure he’s tired of the back and forth and fighting, hopefully you guys and come up with a way forward and he sees that they aren’t giving it at all, actually. it’s just an artifice.

Post # 16
Member
2947 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@undercoverbee-er: Ugh, it really sounds like to me that they are trying to stall things. :/ Your Fiance needs to grow a pair and choose what’s best for you and your children as you will be his family too.

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