(Closed) I really need help…marriage proposal went down the drain

posted 10 years ago in Proposals
Post # 92
Member
1055 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

If you both really want to, you can start over.  A long time ago, we did.  I think a lot of relationships do at least once.  It’s wasn’t over such a big deal as a proposal, we just both knew we wanted our relationship to move in a different direction, so we did.  

I’m not going to bash you, because that won’t change anything.  i think you should take him back to that place and propose to him.  Explain how terrible you feel and make sure he still wants to be with you.  If so, give everything a second chance.  Start with a clean slate.  We’re only here so long and we have to take care of what really matters.

Post # 93
Member
356 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015 - Thorpewood

Ok I didn’t read everyone’s responses but I’m going to answer how I feel.

Quite honestly, I don’t think you’re necessarily in the wrong for being upset.  You specifically told him you wanted to be romanced.  Just putting a ring box on the table in front of you is not romanced.  He didn’t get down on one knee.  He didn’t open it for you until you asked.  He didn’t even really ASK you to marry him.  It seems to me like he didn’t even put thought into the proposal.  He took you to a restaurant and got you some champagne.  That’s not particularly thought out at all.  It seems like it was a convenience proposal and since you CLEARLY STATED you wanted a romantic proposal (which I personally don’t think is asking much) I think he could have tried a little harder.

If he wants to end your relationship/marriage prospects over this then it’s his loss.  Simple as that.

Post # 94
Member
1081 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I really don’t get why everyone is piling on you. He was also to blame in this situation – you told him clearly what you wanted/who you are, and he ignored it. Yes, perhaps you could have handled it more delicately, but what, you should have to ignore your own desires and personality and just be grateful that he wants to marry you?

 

My Fiance would never act that way. Our proposal (we proposed to each other) was perfect, but if I had been disappointed and wanted to do it again my Fiance would have jumped at the opportunity to make me happier. And for that matter, so would I.  That’s part of being in a relationship, too: being able to hear when your partner is unhappy, non-defensively, and fix it, and be glad you got the OPPORTUNITY to make them happier. That’s our philosophy at least.

Post # 95
Member
1582 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I read your responses on this thread, and I think what people are trying to get at is that, sure, he had the beach and champaige plan, but he was so excited to ask you he couldn’t wait. THAT to me is romantic! He didn’t throw it out the window, and I can’t see why you’re still upset that he didn’t do that. When my Fiance proposed to me I was so excited I didn’t care where we were or what we were doing or how we looked, it was about that moment. If you’re concerned about the rest, maybe you should reconsider whether you’re ready for marriage. That doesn’t mean he’s not the guy for you, but maybe you should give your relationship more time.

Also, real life relationships are not like the movies. Romance is not all flowers and champaigne and jewelry- romance is in the little things he does to show you he cares. In fact, I’d argue that material things are the least romantic- ANYONE can buy you roses. Only he gets to kiss you passionately and share little cute couple-y inside jokes with you. And as my friend, happily married for 12 years, likes to say, “Romance is when he does the dishes.”

Post # 96
Member
263 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

yeah, I think people have been pretty harsh on you.  I understand why you’re disappointed and also why he’s disappointed.  I have to admit, that about two months after I got engaged, I suddenly started thinking, oh my god, what are we doing, is this a good idea, etc.  It sounds to me like that just happened earlier for you at the dinner, which is a normal thing to be honest. Looking at the ring just made it ‘real’ for you.  You (and he!) could do with reading something like ‘The Conscious Bride’ or taking a look at least at the website – it is really useful and helpful.  There is no such thing as a ‘perfect’ proposal and our reactions to them, whether immediate or later on, I think say a lot about how we actually feel about the relationship and our own insecurities (for whatever reason).  If things don’t seem to get better after a few days, it’s worth going to see a counsellor to see if it helps having someone help mediate your conversations, because you just apologising and him just still being upset over and over again isn’t going to improve things!  good luck, I’m sorry that it has been so difficult for you.

Post # 97
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Ouch. Asking him to “do it again” because he didnt do it right the first time is so awful. You are telling him that what he did wasn’t good enough for you. I understand him getting to the mindset that he doesnt want to talk about it. You just slammed a door in his face. I would do some soul searching and wonder why his proposal wasnt good enough for you.

Post # 99
Member
1334 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Everything I would say has been said but I wanted to add something: if you guys break up, I don’t think this proposal debacle is the only reason. There are obviously other issues with the relationship and this would be the final straw (not saying it is). But maybe he was already having second thoughts about the relationship getting so serious so soon.

I agree with PP that you really have not been in a romantic relationship long enough to truly know each other yet. But this can still happen for you. Good luck:)

Post # 100
Member
1707 posts
Bumble bee

@takebacktime: I read what his first plan was, but he chose not to go with that plan. There are plenty of times my SO has thought of doing something and chosen not to. He’s thought about buying me flowers, taking me to a special dinner or suprising me with something. It didn’t happen. He chose not to for one reason or another and you cannot sit around and hold onto the fact that he might have done something.

View original reply
@ohheavenlyday:I think all this boils down to you two just don’t know each other well enough to be in this situation, and because you don’t, it’s hard for BOTH of you to navigate.

This is the absolute truth.

Post # 101
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Agree with those that think you need to slow down.  Marriage is not going to be an easy road if the two of you can’t even communicate.  What is worse- breaking up now and being single and having the opportunity to figure yourself out OR getting married out of fear you will be alone forever (we all go through this) and then facing a nasty and heart-breaking divorce a few years down the line?

Not saying those are you only two options – but I strongly recommend taking a step back and maybe figuring out what YOU want while giving him his space that he asked for.

Post # 102
Member
186 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@takebacktime:  I know exactly how you feel.  When I knew my Fiance was thinking about proposing, I definitely dropped some hints – about what ring I wanted, that maybe a public/restaurant proposal would be nice, etc.  When he did propose, there were some minor setbacks and the actual proposal wasn’t what I envisioned.  There were a lot of candles, and flowers, and romantic music, and while I said “Yes!” very enthusiastically, the whole experience felt surreal.  And I was a little disappointed….

Many of us women (fed by movies, blogs, songs, and the rest of pop culture) “know” that the new romance is spontaneous and sweet and completely in line with our favorite hobby of beach combing/rock climbing/dog washing, whatever.  I felt like my Fiance didn’t really know me if he thought my “ideal proposal” was a candlelit room and flowers – that’s just not who I am!  And like your man, he was rushed because he wanted to propose right then and didn’t take the extra time to work out the kinks.  I hate to say it, but I definitely spent some time wishing he had just delayed and gotten it “right”.

It took some time and reflection to realize what a lot of other people have said – it didn’t matter that it wasn’t perfect, and his rush to propose was sweet in its own way.  I’m glad I’ve never told my Fiance of my initial disappointment, and now I know that we have some room to grow in our expression of affection and expectations of romance.  And that’s okay!  It doesn’t mean we’re not a good match, or that we rushed into things, or anything else.  A marriage is a lifelong process, and knowing that you have room for improvement in your relationship isn’t a death sentence.  It doesn’t mean that you’re trying to “change” each other, or that you’re setting unreasonable expectations going in. 

In the end, I’m trying to say that you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself.  I think if he’d never discovered your disappointment you would have grown to love your proposal and your relationship would be stronger for it.  I wish I could give you some advice to mend the relationship with your BF, but I think some time and emotional distance are the only real cure.  He’s perfectly valid in feeling hurt, and anyone would need time to heal before forgiving and working to recover.  Please keep us updated.

Post # 104
Member
7551 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

I think you had every right to be disappointed, a girl dreams of the perfect proposal, it is supposed to happen only once after all, it should be special. I think it was nice the way he did it, but while it is his moment, he should be thinking about what would be special for you. The proposal on the beach where you first kissed would have been awesome, too bad he couldn’t wait. But I agree with the idea that you propose to him, you could surprise him, possibly on that beach 🙂 good luck!

Post # 105
Member
53 posts
Worker bee

@moonadea:

 

I agree here.  I think he is over-reacting.  How can you go from wanting to spend his life with you to wanting to end things?

I understand he is hurt…but you know what, you told him what you wanted, and he didn’t do that…I’d be disappointed too.  Proposals are something girls dream about all their lives, and no, we can’t control how it’s done, but you did tell him what you would like, so I think it’s his fault for not following through!  Perhaps you could have handled it a little better, but I really don’t think what you did deserves that severe of a reaction.  

If it were me, I would just try to get on with my every day life and stop apologizing.  You already apologized, he knows you are sorry, it’s time for him to let it go and move on.  Saying he feels worse than if you had cheated on him is absurd, sorry, but what you did cannot compare to cheating, at all…that’s a whole other ballgame.

I hope you both are able to repair your relationship and move on happily together.  Good luck!

Post # 106
Member
496 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@takebacktime: I just read this thread for the first time. it’s so interesting! I’m shocked that people were so harsh on you. Sure, you made some mistakes, but so did your fiance, and the process of learning to communicate is never an easy one. I was glad to read your update. Do you have another update?

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