(Closed) I really need some honest advice

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

You said that you’re both 24 and that he has two years of school left in the medical field. My brother and several close friends have all gone through Med School, and it is a very stressful time. I don’t blame him for not wanting to get engaged right now, nor can I blame his family for wanting him to focus on his schooling.

I would sit down and have an honest converstaion about his thoughts on timeline. It could be something as simple as “I want to wait until I’m finished with school before we get engaged” or “I want to wait until I making my own money and buy you the perfect ring”. There are a million different reasons why he may have a different timeline than you.

If, on the other hand, he says “my parents don’t approve of you and your family, so I’m not sure we should get married”, that is when I would start re-evaluating your relationship.

 

Post # 4
Member
411 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

You need to find out if he is just using you and stringing you along, or if he really has intentions of engagement. Just because you’ve talked about the future doesn’t mean you’ve planned for it – you were fantasizing. While you  and your parents expected an engagement, that’s also not how in works in the US…our parents knew each other for years before we were engaged. I think you two need to sit down, put this meeting behind you, and talk about expectations. You’re expecting to be engaged in the near future – say so. Find out why he hasn’t proposed, an EXACT reason why.

Post # 5
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I’m sorry, I know lots of men who got engaged in med school, especially in their 3rd and 4th years. School is stressful but if you think residency will be any easier you are fooling yourself. I really don’t like that eliza86 is paying all the bills for this guy and he is refusing to make any commitment, irrationally hating her mother and not standing up to his family for her. Using someone to pay for you through med/law school and dumping them to trade up after you’re done is so common it’s a cliche.

@eliza86: I really didn’t understand what it was that your mother did to upset him. I’m guessing that English isn’t your first language and I had a bit of trouble following your story. You need to sort out your priorities and try to learn what his priorities are. Does he put his family’s opinion above you? Does he put med school above you? Do you think it is more important that your future husband respect and love you and your mother rather than simply getting a ring from this guy?

Post # 6
Hostess
18637 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I agree with CanAmBride.  Being in medical school is very stressful.  Most guys don’t understand the point of long engagements, to them engagements are a time to plan a wedding.  He also could be worried about the money situation.

I’m not completely sure about all the family stuff that you are talking about but the fact that your boyfriend now hates your mom because she was there to meet his parents seems really weird to me.

Talk to him about your timeline and his.  Would you be willing to wait 2 or more years to get engaged (because after the 2 years of school he will be in residency which will be crazy busy also)?  I think he needs to apologize to you and your mom for acting like that to both of you.

Post # 7
Member
10851 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I agree with CanAmBride on all counts. You two need to figure out what the timeline is and if you’re willing to wait. I think your saying that you don’t want a marriage, just an engagement is a bit of an oxymoron. Marriage is what comes out of engagement. I can imagine that when you say you want to be engaged and you’ll wait to have the actual wedding until he graduates, he pictures the next two years trying to balance med school and planning a wedding. That would be both stressful and distracting.

I know cultural issues with families, etc are really difficult to maneoveur. I’ve had a friend dealing with similar issues for many years. I think you need to figure out if his family doesn’t approve of yours and never will, or if they don’t approve of you two living together or whatever else is going on there. It sounds like he has very strong loyalty to his family and the cultural traditions so there’s a good chance he’s not going to go against that.

And stop communicating via text. There is so much that’s left to be read or misread between the line. You’re adults talking about marriage, meet face to face to talk about something this important.

Post # 8
Member
183 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m sorry you’re going through this, it sounds as though you two at least thought you were on the same path until families got involved. However, if you are financially supporting him, and will be doing so for another two years, I think you are totally within your rights to ask about what he sees a timeline being….  financially supporting somene is a big committment and I see why you want to know if he sees you in his future. I hope it works out the way you want it to.

Post # 9
Member
3587 posts
Sugar bee

I didn’t even read past where he said he hates your mom. Nothing, NOTHING else needs to be done. Leave.

I lost my dad and my mom is all I have. I’ll be damned if some punk is gonna disrespect the only parent I still have.

I can forgive many things, but soemthing like that? Move on, please.

Post # 10
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I’m with MsMamaBear.  Even if you do hate your SO’s parents, you don’t tell them that, because that would be disrespectful, mean and pointless.  Telling your SO you hate their family is akin to asking them to choose between their family and you.  Deny it all you want, that’s what it’s ultimately going to boil down to.  What a jerk. At the very least, you deserve to not be disrespected by his parents in your home, where you pay for their son’s expenses. 

Seeing how you’re paying his bills, you have a right to some answers (and to not be treated disrespectfully by him or his hateful family.)  If he doesn’t want to be engaged, fine, the two of you can have a strict dating relationship with no promises towards the future which, by the way, usually doesn’t include paying room and board. 

I’m not sure of your cultural background but it seems like his parents seem to have a lot of say as to your relationship and future, which a bit concerning. If you’re adult enough to marry, you’re adult enough to make decisions about your future without your parents’ permission.     

Ugh.

Post # 11
Member
1810 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I agree with MsMamaBear. The fact that he hates your mother? That is not something you should let slide. I understand that you have invested a lot in this relationship but the way he has treated you and your mother should tell you something. I know this is easier said than done, but let him go.

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