Post # 1
This is my first post; I’ve been reading threads for a while but I would really appreciate some feedback on my situation.
SO and I have been together for 5 years, living together for 3 years. Last March he told me that he would definitely propose within a year. I confirmed with him on a separate occasion and he actually made a promise that it would happen by March 2014. He says he wants to get married and we have the money set aside for the wedding. In his mind it’s absolutely normal for the couple to pick out the ring together, so we agreed to do that. He said we should go ring shopping together at some point, and it was clear that he would initiate the trip. Well, it’s March 13, and he hasn’t brought up the ring.
I saw the “March 2014” thing as a timeline, but it is becoming a deadline, and I don’t like that. I feel that if he proposed now it’d be only because he said he would, not because he wants to.
There’s no specific reason we should be engaged in March, and our relationship is otherwise perfect; he’s very caring and commited and we really love each other. I’d be willing to wait. My issue is that he PROMISED. I have trust issues from childhood that he knows about and I will be absolutely devastated if it doesn’t happen this month. I feel like he doesn’t care at all about my feelings (or that he doesn’t realize how important this is to me). I don’t even care about being engaged this month, but I care about him leaving this to the last minute (which I interpret as him not caring and not wanting to get married – thus lying), or him breaking his promise.
I don’t know what to do. I’ve been drinking every day this month just to forget about it. I’m even making plans to leave to take time off work and visit my sister in early April just to get away in case he doesn’t propose this month, because I know how devastated I will be.
If you have any advice at all, I would love to hear it. Thank you so much Bees!
Post # 2
Lets put him a side for a second. I think you should work on those trust issues you’ve had since childhood. I think its important to really look into those things especially before getting married. That can cause a lot of problems in your future. <br /><br />Back to him, he may have forgotten. Why don’t you wake up one weekend morning and say “Hey hun, Lets go see some rings today!” After all, you did agree to go together. <br /><br /><br />
Post # 3
hopefulMrsBtoBee: I’ve been drinking every day this month just to forget about it.
That is the only problem that you actually have right now.
You are doing what I call awfulizing- thinking of the worst possible outcome. March is not over yet.
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Post # 4
Do you think your sudden drinking everyday and most likely throwing off weird vibes could be causing him to take a *wait and see* approach? I stongly suggest counseling/therapy. Here’s why. You are really stuck on the *he PROMISED* angle yet fully admit you really aren’t that invested in it happening this month. So it isn’t the action you care about, it’s the words. Pretty backwards. You care about what he says more than what he does? You can’t keep dragging your childhood into the present. you just can’t. Especially to the point where the after-effects of said childhood have you drinking everyday. That’s ludicrous. the absolute last thing you need right now is a life-stressing event like an engagement. you need to sort your past out – and all the baggage that comes with it – so you can move forward with this man into a clean future. And I don’t know what his past is like but I can tell you that with my childhood, there is no way in hell I would get engaged to someone who started drinking everyday. And I say this with the best possibleintentions. You are, in a somewhat siedways way, blaming him for your drinking. He didn’t do A, B, C and it’s making you want to drink because of it. That is a really dangerous mentality and not a good sign. You’re drinking because you have really shitty coping skills. Period. and that’s on no one but you.
ETA: darn computer.
What I mean to say is, things happen. Life happens. Adults sometimes can’t follow through with *promises* or what have you. If your response to that is to stick a bottle in your face and sulk about how hurt you are, you have issues. You have dysfucntion. that is not a healthy, functioning response. And that is not your childhood’s fault or anyone else’s. It’s yours. For knowing you have these reactionary issues and not doing something about changing them. You’re an adult now. Part of your obligation – your promise, if you will – to your potential spouse, is that you will do everything in your power to deal with these life events in a healthy, functioning way so as to give your relationship the best possible chance in life. Can you honestly say you are doing that? Don’t look out. Look in. don’t worry about whether he is fulfilling his promises and obligations. Worry about fulfilling your own.
Do you not see the contradiction in your life right now? Your blaming your childhood for your difficulty in dealing with current issues, while simultaneously expecting a man to consider making a woman who drinks everyday, the mother of his children.