(Closed) I really need to talk to you bees…im terribly upset

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
837 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

She’s in the wrong. You are not responsible for paying for the buck and doe. Often the wedding party will provide some food or small contributions to help, but the main cost falls on the couple and they hope to recoup their costs and make more to profit. It’s ridiculous that she feels you should pay. That’s totally unreasonable. A lot of people think buck and does are tacky to begin with because the couple is fundraising for their wedding – having your wedding party cover the costs is just plain greedy. She needs to give her head a shake.

I’m glad you didn’t let her get away with it, it sounds like you are already contributing plenty to the wedding.

Post # 4
1356 posts
Bumble bee

What?? I’ve never heard of the wedding party taking on that cost. 

You’re in the right. You are already contributing enough. It’s her wedding. The whole point of a fundraiser is investing and getting something in return that more than covers the cost of the initial investment. So unless they pay you back with the procedes, their demands are unreasonable.

Post # 5
1356 posts
Bumble bee

Sorry, I just realised my comment is totally unhelpful! 

You should discuss this with the bride. Say that you simply cannot afford it. That you agreed to being a bridesmaid knowing that there’d be some costs, and that you have fulfilled that duty ON TOP of the services you’re giving. As soon as it’s cleared up with her, don’t mind the other bridesmaids. If they want to pay for it, fine, but make it clear that you are contributing in other ways and can’t be responsible for everything.

Post # 6
685 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I have never heard of a buck and doe so I googled it and learned its a fundraiser party for the couples wedding – amiright? Anyhow, I read on some of the explanations that it is customary for the bridal party to pay for it.. Some people thought so and some didn’t.. Idk, seems there is a few traditions and names for it. Regardless of who pays for it it seems bizarre to me – I can’t even imagine trying to have a local fundraiser for my wedding! Lol! The things people would say! Ha!

Post # 7
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I understand that the buck and doe is a regional thing.I am not familiar with this tradition.Just tell her that you can not afford to contribute.You have been a great friend to her by being so helpful.

Post # 10
6741 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’ve never heard of this before, but I am always for open, honest communication.  Tell her you’re really sorry and you feel terrible that you can’t throw her a buck and doe because you simply cannot afford it and that you didn’t mean any trouble but that you were under the impression that the bride and groom pay for it and that’s why you weren’t having one for yourself – because you can’t afford it.  There’s really nothing she can say/do about that.  You can’t afford it, case closed. 

Post # 11
2606 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I believe ON picked up this idea from neighbouring MB and SK where they are incredibly common ( probably 75-80% of couples having them) and they’re called socials instead of buck and doe.  The couple pays for the event, along with sone help from the families occaisonally.  Usually the bridal party will donate some prizes, or chip in to purchase the grand prize, but certainly not pay for the event.  They usually help run it throughout the night too, bartending, selling tickets, or helping in the kitchen etc…

Post # 12
1846 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m in Ontario so I might be able to help.

My family is throwing us a Jack&Jill (same thing) for our wedding. In my circle, the bridal party isn’t responsible for paying for it, and neither is the couple really. The bridal party (or parents, or close family members) will organize the party, and food is always potluck. So everyone that’s very close to the bride and groom will offer to bring food. The hall rental is paid for in advance, and so is the cost of the booze and DJ, but those funds are recovered out of the proceeds of the event (so nobody is out of pocket). 

Also,  we usually organize silent auction items, bottle draws, jello shooters, twoonie tosses, etc to help raise money. There are also usually door prizes. (all prize items are usually donated by again..bridal party, close family, etc). 

In my case I was lucky in that my mom is paying for the hall rental, and my cousin is dj’ing, so we don’t have to pay back those expenses. 

So to make a long story short.. You don’t have to contribute to the buck&doe, but you would probably be expected to help (stand at the door and sell drink tickets, bottle tickets, collect door tickets, maybe man the bar for an hour, put the food out, ect) if you could contribute a food dish that would probably be great. It shouldn’t be a huge financial obligation for you at all.

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