Post # 1
So my friend is getting married in july, im her maid of honor. Now she wants to have a buck and doe and i didnt know till 2 weeks ago, the other bridesmaids sprung it on me and basically said that we have to pay for it. So we got into a discussion all together and i had said i thought the bride and grooom paid for because thats what ive heard before from many many people, my parents included. Now my So and i arent having a buck and doe because we cannot afford it, no way no how, like i would feel terrible thinking my bridesmaids were paying for it then we keep all the proceeds for our wedding. Now apparently me saying this made the girls think thats true, they shouldnt pay for the hall but other things instead. So now my friend is mad at me and making me look like a monster, shes acting like a baby, ignoring me and just being plain rude. I dont know what to do..like i didnt think i said anything wrong…ever since shes been engaged shes been a major bridezilla…i dont know what to do or think, its making me not want to be in the wedding, but i know she wont kick me out because im making her wedding cupcakes, im doing everyones hair and makeup the morning of, i have more thngs to do then the bride that day and im supposed to pay for a buck and doe on top of that?!?! she knows my so and i are having money trouble..its been bad and she knows it..i need some insight please bees i need help
Post # 3
She’s in the wrong. You are not responsible for paying for the buck and doe. Often the wedding party will provide some food or small contributions to help, but the main cost falls on the couple and they hope to recoup their costs and make more to profit. It’s ridiculous that she feels you should pay. That’s totally unreasonable. A lot of people think buck and does are tacky to begin with because the couple is fundraising for their wedding – having your wedding party cover the costs is just plain greedy. She needs to give her head a shake.
I’m glad you didn’t let her get away with it, it sounds like you are already contributing plenty to the wedding.
Post # 4
What?? I’ve never heard of the wedding party taking on that cost.
You’re in the right. You are already contributing enough. It’s her wedding. The whole point of a fundraiser is investing and getting something in return that more than covers the cost of the initial investment. So unless they pay you back with the procedes, their demands are unreasonable.
Post # 5
Sorry, I just realised my comment is totally unhelpful!
You should discuss this with the bride. Say that you simply cannot afford it. That you agreed to being a bridesmaid knowing that there’d be some costs, and that you have fulfilled that duty ON TOP of the services you’re giving. As soon as it’s cleared up with her, don’t mind the other bridesmaids. If they want to pay for it, fine, but make it clear that you are contributing in other ways and can’t be responsible for everything.
Post # 6
I have never heard of a buck and doe so I googled it and learned its a fundraiser party for the couples wedding – amiright? Anyhow, I read on some of the explanations that it is customary for the bridal party to pay for it.. Some people thought so and some didn’t.. Idk, seems there is a few traditions and names for it. Regardless of who pays for it it seems bizarre to me – I can’t even imagine trying to have a local fundraiser for my wedding! Lol! The things people would say! Ha!
Post # 7
I understand that the buck and doe is a regional thing.I am not familiar with this tradition.Just tell her that you can not afford to contribute.You have been a great friend to her by being so helpful.
Post # 8
@NLbride: thank you, i feel alot better now ive talked to the rest of the bridesmaids and they agree with me, shes being unreasonable and its not fair for her to be mad at me. its not my fault and i feel alot better so thank you for your kind words
Post # 9
@arathella: thank you im feeling much better
and thanks to everyone else too the venting really helped
Post # 10
I’ve never heard of this before, but I am always for open, honest communication. Tell her you’re really sorry and you feel terrible that you can’t throw her a buck and doe because you simply cannot afford it and that you didn’t mean any trouble but that you were under the impression that the bride and groom pay for it and that’s why you weren’t having one for yourself – because you can’t afford it. There’s really nothing she can say/do about that. You can’t afford it, case closed.
Post # 11
I believe ON picked up this idea from neighbouring MB and SK where they are incredibly common ( probably 75-80% of couples having them) and they’re called socials instead of buck and doe. The couple pays for the event, along with sone help from the families occaisonally. Usually the bridal party will donate some prizes, or chip in to purchase the grand prize, but certainly not pay for the event. They usually help run it throughout the night too, bartending, selling tickets, or helping in the kitchen etc…
Post # 12
I’m in Ontario so I might be able to help.
My family is throwing us a Jack&Jill (same thing) for our wedding. In my circle, the bridal party isn’t responsible for paying for it, and neither is the couple really. The bridal party (or parents, or close family members) will organize the party, and food is always potluck. So everyone that’s very close to the bride and groom will offer to bring food. The hall rental is paid for in advance, and so is the cost of the booze and DJ, but those funds are recovered out of the proceeds of the event (so nobody is out of pocket).
Also, we usually organize silent auction items, bottle draws, jello shooters, twoonie tosses, etc to help raise money. There are also usually door prizes. (all prize items are usually donated by again..bridal party, close family, etc).
In my case I was lucky in that my mom is paying for the hall rental, and my cousin is dj’ing, so we don’t have to pay back those expenses.
So to make a long story short.. You don’t have to contribute to the buck&doe, but you would probably be expected to help (stand at the door and sell drink tickets, bottle tickets, collect door tickets, maybe man the bar for an hour, put the food out, ect) if you could contribute a food dish that would probably be great. It shouldn’t be a huge financial obligation for you at all.