(Closed) I regret moving in FIRST. Now what??

posted 4 years ago in Proposals
Post # 3
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Maybe he’s just a jerk?

Post # 4
Member
4442 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

@sda519:  If you live together why are you having such a serious conversation over text?  You don’t give a lot of detail but things do change once you’ve been with someone for awhile — how long have you lived together?  I found moving in general, not even moving in together the first time, to be very stressful!

 

Or PP could be right and he’s just a jerk, LOL.

Post # 5
Member
4040 posts
Honey bee

@sda519:  I don’t think this has as much to do with the fact that you moved in with him too soon, other than the fact that you are learning his true colors sooner.

It is a bummer, but this is who he is, unless he takes it upon himself to change.  

 

Post # 6
Member
3221 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I don’t think his behaviour has to do with you moving in before a proposal/marriage, but rather, you two getting to know each other better. Maybe the honeymoon phase is over? 

Post # 7
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Who is to say that when you get married  it wont be the same. It seems like you guys got to comfetable with each other

Post # 8
Member
3574 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Sounds like he just got more comfortable and you’ve started to see his true colors. I don’t think it has to do with him losing respect for you.

Post # 9
Member
7656 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

My DH and I have been together 3 1/2 years, and from the very beginning we always stayed most nights at each other’s places. We have lived with each other for nearly 2 years now. I can honestly say that yes, we have gotten comfortable with each other on some things, but we don’t treat each other like crap.

If his RESPECT has gone way down for you, that is problem. If you guys don’t have sex, kiss, send each other texts, or get gussied up (rather you wear sweatpants or pajamas a lot) as often as you used to then THAT is called being comfortable.

If you feel he is taking you for granted or not respecting you now, marriage isn’t going to fix that. He is showing you who he truly is now that he is comfortable with you. You need to have a real honest conversation with him in person (not texting) and no being a drama llama. Be calm, and just talk to him about it.

Post # 10
Member
838 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

@sda519:  move out

Although I do think you’re right in thinking that he may think differently about you now that he doesn’t have to work so hard. He’s already got everything he wants.

 

Post # 11
Member
3830 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@sda519:  i made this mistake with my ex. as soon as he moved in things went downhill and never recovered. he just shut himself off from me completely and eventually broke up with me and moved out. then i met my FI and we vowed NOT to move in until after our wedding day. 

i’m sorry this is happening. just try not to read more into his responses than he’s giving you. like when you said, “I think he was at a loss for words and said “I understand” as his reply, because I used to be more dramatic about things to try to make him understand and now I think he sees I am just OVER IT.” <—don’t give him that much credit. 

if you have a specific question to ask him about your relationship, ask it, then receive and believe his reply. don’t make excuses for him. it’s easy to do that when you are hoping for things to get better.

Post # 12
Member
7994 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

How long have you been together total?

I think there’s a big difference between someone not having respect for you, and having the honeymoon phase wear off.

Post # 13
Member
4525 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@sda519:  I’m sure you’ve heard of the “honeymoon” phase of a relationship….and 6 months, in my opinion, is DEFINITELY still honeymoon/rose-tinted glasses territory. You’re both still on your best behavior and, for most folks, that lovey-dovey “he’s PERFECT” stage eventually fades.

So, I think y’all moved in together during this honeymoon phase and now you’re seeing your relationship differently because you’re thinking back on a very non-permanent time in it.

…or he might be being a jerk and taking your for granted.

I think the best way to find out is to talk to him about it and gauge his reaction. If you say “hey, I really would like to know if you feel like things are different now. If so, what are some little things we could do to bring some of that back?” and he comes back acting like an ass, you have your answer. If he seems open to making a few changes, then it’s probably just growing pains.

Post # 14
Member
1090 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Does he actually respect you less or has your relationship changed? My FI and I bought a home together after a couple of years together and will have been living together for a few years before we get married. Our relationship definitely changed into something more comfortable and not as “date-y”. We spend lots of nights at home and in comfy clothes. 

i have had that being taken for granted feeling though. My advice is to think about everything he does for you that maybe you don’t notice anymore. Moving in together is a lot of work and you take on new responsibilities. If you really are doing everything and he doesn’t respect you for it then definitely talk with him. If it is just a lot more stuff and your relationship changed, but he has taken his share then this may just be a relationship moving to a new level.

Also, he may be excited that you two are taking the next step and a little surprised that you are upset. 

Post # 15
Member
3402 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@MrsTVLover:  True story.

People do change and bit when they get comfortable. I mean, FI and I do fight, and of course it’s not exactly how it used to be when we first started dating, but we have made a commitment not only to being with each other forever, but trying to make each other happy forever.

I think this is a good time to decide if you genuinely believe this is somebody who is commited to making your life better for the rest of your days. If moving in with him early on really did make him lose respect, that is already a bad sign because so many things are going to happen over a lifetime in a relationship that will test your foundation. If it can’t withstand a move in, there’s a red flag.

(For reference, my FI & I have living together almost since day 1 in our relationship and we’re coming up on a 3yr anniversary soon)

 

Post # 16
Member
5978 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@sda519:  Ok…so you love him and he loves you, that’s great!  You guys live together, also awesome….but you want the excitement and thrill of a new relationship, when you’ve already taken some pretty big steps toward building one thats supposed to last a lifetime.

You can’t have the best of both worlds and you would be surprised how easy it is to slip into the daily grind of banal and disinterested interaction….you want him to be exciting and spontaneous?  He probably feels the same way….be the change you want to see in your relationship, put a charge back into things and you’ll see him start to put a little more effort into the way he interacts with you.

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