(Closed) I ruined everything

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 61
Member
640 posts
Busy bee

confusedguy00:  Boy this is a tough call.

You sound very remorseful.  I give you a lot of credit for seeking out help – even if it is just the advice of internet strangers to start.  I am glad that you are taking responsibility for your actions and not blaming your girlfriend in any way.

But…

You broke her trust.  I can only imagine what was going through her mind when she was watching you pack.

I’ve posted about this before, but I broke up with my boyfriend nearly 3 months ago.  He broke my trust big time.  I won’t get into the whole story but he’s been seeing a counselor and was put on medication for anxiety.  He’s gotten a new job (the old one was making his life hell) and has really turned things around.  He sounds like a new man (sorry for the stupid cliche).

However, I don’t know that I can trust him again.  I keep replaying what happened in my mind as it too was out of the blue (there was more than one way he broke my trust).  We’ve talked a lot since the breakup and what I asked him is how do I have the reassurance that something like this won’t happen again?  Of course he swears over and over that he’s changed, that something like that would never happen again, but I don’t know if I can and I don’t know if I ever will.

I think the only thing you can do is give her time and prove that you’re not just giving her lip service because not enough time has passed to show that you are trustworthy.  I think you also have to ask yourself why you didn’t communicate these feelings to her before you acted on them.

I wish you a lot of luck because I really think you did ruin everything.

 

Post # 62
Member
1888 posts
Buzzing bee

[content moderated for name calling]

You broke her heart and ruined a beautiful time in your lives on what you describe as a whim. I think there must be more to it than that. If you were really willing to walk away from everything you’ve built together, short of a psychotic episode, I think deep down you must have had reasons for wanting to end it. (I agree with PPs who suggest a psych evaluation, though, just to rule that out.)

It’s not that the other engaged people on these boards never struggle with these feelings. I can relate to everything you mentioned! It’s that we wouldn’t act on them by ripping the rug out from under our SOs. Even if I decided tomorrow that I wanted to be single, I wouldn’t pack a suitcase and flee, refusing to talk to my fiancé about it. There’s a self-centeredness and a lack of impulse control here that is disturbing.

Post # 63
Member
2123 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

Wow. Some of the comments are ridiculous! He destroyed her life? She’s a human, not an idiot! She’s broken hearted.

You’re getting a lot of trash talk over this. It’s not a case of whether or not we should offer you sympathy, and I’m not going to offer it. However, you came here for advice and I’m happy to give you that.

You sound remorseful. I’m not sure if you’ll be able to fix this. All I can say is work on you. Work on getting better. Take some time. Let her know you love her and you want her and you’re taking steps to better yourself, but whatever you do, don’t hound her. If she does want to work at this then she’ll make that decision herself without your begging and pleading. If you are able to stay together then you won’t be able to just carry on with your relationship. You need to start a new relationship together. A fresh one.

Grass-is-greener-syndrome is a terrible thing. It hurts so many people. Sadly it’s common. That doesn’t give you an excuse, or make it acceptable. It pretty much just says that you’re an idiot, and there are rather a lot of idiots about the place doing the same idiotic things. Google GIGS though. There’s information out there.

Good luck OP. 

Post # 64
Member
783 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

confusedguy00:  Wow.. This is a really bad situation, I’m so sorry for you and your partner 🙁 I wish there was some magic solution, but I don’t think there is.
I was in a situation with my now fiancé early on in our relationship, that led me to feel somewhat the same as you describe your fiancée feeling. I couldn’t look at him, he made me feel physically ill and I was completely crushed inside. It was a horrible time, to be honest. Without being going into details there was no abuse or cheating involved, “just” a very dramatic evening when Fiance was highly intoxicated and a completely different person.

What we did was first of all to talk about it A LOT. At first I couldn’t even be around him, I couldn’t look at him, but in my heart I knew he meant it when he said he was sorry, and that he felt equally as sick as I did. He was disgusted with himself, constantly crying and begging me all the time to forgive him. His reaction was important to me, because it made me realize that we were on the same page and it made me open up to him a little. He wasn’t a monster or someone who wanted to hurt me. But I still couldn’t forgive him. I just couldn’t. I was so hurt and I needed time to heal. He gave me that time – it was crucial to our survival. Had he rushed this process, I would have had no choice but to back out and let go. But he was patient with me and constantly reassuring me, even though I kept asking the same questions over and over again.

See.. You have to understand that when something like this happens to a person, their whole world is turned upside down. Everything you think you know and understand about your partner is suddenly questioned, even your own ability to make sensible and healthy decisions is questioned. N O T H I N G is the same, and it never will be – but you learn to live with it somehow, it just takes time. 

We were very honest with each other all the way. That is my first advice; EVERYTHING has to be on the table. All our conversations about the situation and different aspects of our relationship, made me understand him on a deeper level and also what drove him to act the way he did. This was so important because I couldn’t understand what had happened or why. So if you aren’t clear about why you did what you did, you need to be before you reach out to her – cause she WILL ask you, and she will need an answer. And she deserves one as well. A completely honest answer. 
You might label it as panic, but I think you need to digg deeper. It comes from something inside of you – maybe insecurities about yourself, her or your relationship. Maybe from the fear of failing or missing out. Or maybe something completely different. Regardless of what it might be, your first job is to sort it out.

And then you need to give it time. A lot of time. And you will have to let her be how she needs to be. She might be angry, hurt, sad, depressed, resentful, cold etc. And you just have to suck it up and let her! Because the only thing that might change how she feels, is knowing that you are there no matter what she does (of course not any dealbreaking situations like cheating etc. but you get the picture). She needs A LOT of reassurance, cause right now the trust is broken – cause you are not the person she thought you were. It’s a tough thing to experience for her, and it’s equally tough for you to be THAT person. But you are.. Right now at least. 

You need to be extremely attentive and patient with her, and you need to quit all your selfishness. Even though you are in this together, she is the broken one right now. 

In my case, we were able to work through it and it brought us so much closer. This is not the case for every couple out there, and for some it might be necessary to get professional help – this may be the case for you guys, time will tell. 

But right now your focus should be on you and her. She needs to know exactly where you stand and even if she rejects you, you have to be there for her. Because even if the relationship is permanently damaged, you are the only person that can help her get through it. You are the only person that can answer all her questions. And you owe her that closure, even if it’s not to your ‘advantage’. 

I wish you all the best and I truly hope you are able to work through things. Best of luck! 🙂

Post # 66
Member
783 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

confusedguy00:  I am so sorry people are so judgemental towards you! Not only is it inappropriate but it is really unfair, given that you are seeking ADVICE and take full responsibility of your actions! 

But I guess some people think they can say whatever they want with no consequence, because they are behind a computer screen. It’s embarassing, to be honest. And it says more about them than you, remember that. You are such a good sport, and I hope you take the good advice with you and use it constructively to better things between you and your partner. I’m rooting for you 🙂

Post # 67
Member
1261 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

confusedguy00:  Even if for some reason she took you back, which quite frankly seems like it would be a risky and maybe foolish choice on her part, your relationship will never be the same. You will never have what you had ever again. That is gone, and if you want to be in a relationship with her, you need to realize that right now at the outset. 

If you guys do reconcile, your relationship will be permanently altered. Things won’t be as easy or trusting anymore, there will be drops of resentment, doubt, etc. You are going to have to work far harder in it than you ever did before, for a long, long time. When you feel she is being unfairly doubtful of you, you’ll have to swallow it and remember that you shattered her entire world and all her hopes for the future, all in a single night because you wanted a cheeseburger. 

You have shown her that everything can be perfect, and you are willing to crush it at a moment’s notice. To try to counteract that, you are going to have to be understaning of every single time she doesn’t believe, every time she is suspicious, every time she freaks out because of an innocuous little comment you made. 

You obviously want her back, so you’d better be prepared for the road ahead. It’s going to be a hard one.

 

But if I’m honest, I think she is likely better off without you. There are lots of men who would never in a million years dream of doing such a thing, and she deserves someone like that.

Post # 68
Member
4029 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Yeaaaa…. So u def fucked up… No way would I make red lobster biscuits with coffee in the morning or massage my mans scalp in the shower all the time. Lol ! shouldn’t have broken up with her. She sounded like a much better girlfriend than me! Good luck finding another one like that….

Post # 69
Member
640 posts
Busy bee

confusedguy00:  I do think some of the Bees have been harsh and I’ve noticed on this site that people are very quick to say forget it and the relationship should be thrown out the window.  I think as a site of mainly women, we are quick to defend those that have been wronged, especially when it’s a woman.  Had your girlfriend come to this site explaining what happened, she would have gotten “dump him”, and “he’s not worth it” responses and a lot of not nasty things said about you. 

I hope you are able to use some of the advice and while you are remorseful and are mad at yourself, unless you are on the receiving end, you really have no idea how she’s feeling.  Please read SophBee’s post again, not to throw salt into the wound, but this isn’t as simple as say, forgetting her birthday.  Trust is so hard to build up yet so easy to break.

All you can do at this point is take it one day at a time.

Best of luck.

Post # 70
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

[content moderated for name calling and language]

Post # 71
Member
234 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Aug 30th, 2014

Get your ass into therapy and learn how to communicate with words.

And consider: if this is what you did because you were craving alone time eating your snacks and watching TV, what happens when you start craving attention from other women?

Post # 72
Hostess
8706 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

confusedguy00:  Wow, just wow. Well, if you f*cking grovel and hope she takes you back.

 

It’s terrifying to know that men can be so impulsive and change someones life, devestate it, just because they feel a bit off for a few hours.

I would be shocked if she took you back after this but you can but try.

Post # 73
Member
2005 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

goodriddance88:  +1 personally the trust would be dead and gone for me. I would never be able to believe that it wouldn’t happen again.

 

Real life doesn’t happen the way a movie does where one partner does something horrible, but they goes to the other’s house with flowers or a boom box and its all okay again. 

She probably is numb, as an act of self preservation- due to the humiliation and destruction of her life/heart– her fiance left her without even giving her a reason why. If it were me I would prob have spent the whole 24 hours -that you were manning it up in- wondering what i had done. If he had cheated. If it all was a lie. How I could have been so stupid. If I’m too fat. Too ugly. Too dumb. Too naive. Too ridiculous. Not in the right job. Don’t make enough money. Arent good enough in bed- I mean the list goes on and 24 hours is a long time. Let’s not even get into how she had to tell people- friends, family, work people.. That’s if your buddy didn’t let the cat out of the bag first and those people asked HER about it. 

But at least you enjoyed sleeping alone when you did, if it were me you’d be doing that until you found another gf to freak out on. 

I don’t think a forum is the right place to start fixing things – if you really think you’ll want to marry her then you need to start with her. See if that’s even what she wants. Maybe couples counseling. Personal therapy, too. Sounds like you have commitment issues. Maybe a bit of narcissism with your total disregard for others. 

Post # 74
Member
2005 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Just for the record. If your ex came on here and asked us what to do, we would ALL tell her to cut her losses and RUN! This is not the behavior of someone who will make a good partner let alone husband. 

Post # 75
Member
2005 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

(double post) 

The topic ‘I ruined everything’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors