confusedguy00: Wow.. This is a really bad situation, I’m so sorry for you and your partner 🙁 I wish there was some magic solution, but I don’t think there is.
I was in a situation with my now fiancé early on in our relationship, that led me to feel somewhat the same as you describe your fiancée feeling. I couldn’t look at him, he made me feel physically ill and I was completely crushed inside. It was a horrible time, to be honest. Without being going into details there was no abuse or cheating involved, “just” a very dramatic evening when Fiance was highly intoxicated and a completely different person.
What we did was first of all to talk about it A LOT. At first I couldn’t even be around him, I couldn’t look at him, but in my heart I knew he meant it when he said he was sorry, and that he felt equally as sick as I did. He was disgusted with himself, constantly crying and begging me all the time to forgive him. His reaction was important to me, because it made me realize that we were on the same page and it made me open up to him a little. He wasn’t a monster or someone who wanted to hurt me. But I still couldn’t forgive him. I just couldn’t. I was so hurt and I needed time to heal. He gave me that time – it was crucial to our survival. Had he rushed this process, I would have had no choice but to back out and let go. But he was patient with me and constantly reassuring me, even though I kept asking the same questions over and over again.
See.. You have to understand that when something like this happens to a person, their whole world is turned upside down. Everything you think you know and understand about your partner is suddenly questioned, even your own ability to make sensible and healthy decisions is questioned. N O T H I N G is the same, and it never will be – but you learn to live with it somehow, it just takes time.
We were very honest with each other all the way. That is my first advice; EVERYTHING has to be on the table. All our conversations about the situation and different aspects of our relationship, made me understand him on a deeper level and also what drove him to act the way he did. This was so important because I couldn’t understand what had happened or why. So if you aren’t clear about why you did what you did, you need to be before you reach out to her – cause she WILL ask you, and she will need an answer. And she deserves one as well. A completely honest answer.
You might label it as panic, but I think you need to digg deeper. It comes from something inside of you – maybe insecurities about yourself, her or your relationship. Maybe from the fear of failing or missing out. Or maybe something completely different. Regardless of what it might be, your first job is to sort it out.
And then you need to give it time. A lot of time. And you will have to let her be how she needs to be. She might be angry, hurt, sad, depressed, resentful, cold etc. And you just have to suck it up and let her! Because the only thing that might change how she feels, is knowing that you are there no matter what she does (of course not any dealbreaking situations like cheating etc. but you get the picture). She needs A LOT of reassurance, cause right now the trust is broken – cause you are not the person she thought you were. It’s a tough thing to experience for her, and it’s equally tough for you to be THAT person. But you are.. Right now at least.
You need to be extremely attentive and patient with her, and you need to quit all your selfishness. Even though you are in this together, she is the broken one right now.
In my case, we were able to work through it and it brought us so much closer. This is not the case for every couple out there, and for some it might be necessary to get professional help – this may be the case for you guys, time will tell.
But right now your focus should be on you and her. She needs to know exactly where you stand and even if she rejects you, you have to be there for her. Because even if the relationship is permanently damaged, you are the only person that can help her get through it. You are the only person that can answer all her questions. And you owe her that closure, even if it’s not to your ‘advantage’.
I wish you all the best and I truly hope you are able to work through things. Best of luck! 🙂