(Closed) I ruined my own proposal?! Help!!

posted 3 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
2049 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

So he doesn’t want to marry you now that the cat’s out of the bag?  Really?  How old is this fool since obviously maturity isn’t his strong point?  First, wait until things cool down and then find out if he’s serious about not wanting to marry you over something so incredibly unimportant and trifling.  If he is, walk away from this relationship….His overreaction smells like BS to me….as in he changed his mind and a proposal wasn’t actually forthcoming.  Funny how he was mad at you and not his friend???

Post # 3
650 posts
Busy bee

I’d suggest reading some of the ‘waiting’ boards…are you CERTAIN he’s actually had a plan in place for two years? Because I’ve read this exact same tantrum from fifteen different posters’ boyfriends – and the vaaaast majority of the time the guy is just stringing the girl along with no plan to propose in the near future.

Ruining the super special all important surprise is usually a great out to say WELL NOW I GUESS IT CAN’T HAPPEN AT ALL EVER.

Sorry to be cynical, but this is far from the first ‘did I ruin my proposal’ post, and most of them turn out to be that the ‘surprise’ element of the proposal was that there wasn’t one at all.

Post # 4
653 posts
Busy bee

Give things some time to calm down a bit.  Right now, you’re both way too emotionally overloaded to deal with this… him with disappointment, and you with regret.  These kinds of things happen.  I could go into the “this is why you should never ask these kinds of questions” rant, but I know that you know that already.  

I feel like if you give him some time to calm down, you’ll be able to apologize, tell him how much you’re still looking forward to your trip, and that you understand if he needs to choose a different time to propose, but that you would be over the moon if it could be in such a beautiful setting.  After all, it’s not like you’re just going to be on vacation for one day… the “when” might still catch you very off guard! 

Edit:  I took that comment to mean that he didn’t want to propose on that particular trip anymore, not that he wouldn’t propose at all.  If he is, in fact, saying that he’d rather end the relationship because the surprise is ruined… uh, yeah.  He’s very immature, and I think that’s something you should consider. 

Post # 5
7433 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I can understand that your bf is disappointed you found out, but his reaction (not wanting to propose anymore) is way out of proportion to the offense. If his desire to marry you can be sapped away this quickly over something so silly, then I’m sorry to say it, but he was never that committed to the idea of marrying you in the first place.

I am also rolling my eyes at his comment that he’s been “working” on the proposal for two years. It doesn’t even take two years to plan a WEDDING. 

Post # 6
8520 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

View original reply
taylorl1543 :  I could understand ones partner being disappointed but to say they aren’t going to do it now is juvenile and cruel.

Post # 7
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

So let’s see if I’ve got this straight-  you’ve been together for 6 years, living together for 3, have talked alot about marriage, but you’re somehow supposed to be completely gobsmacked blindsided with surprise when he formally pops the question? And now that he thinks his Super Speshul Man Moment is spoiled by you knowing the approximate timeframe in which this will happen, well fuck the whole thing, he’s going to get his sulk on and not propose at all? 

IA with others that him being a bit disappointed is understandable, but that his childish tantrum and ‘fine it’s not happening at all now’ attitude is immature, punative and waaay over the top. 

I’m alarmed that you say this happened a few weeks ago. Most of us have reacted immaturely or over the top at one time another, gotten our sulk on- but we get over it pretty quickly and feel stoopid AF for our behaviour and apologize. In this case, however, he also said some pretty hurtful, incredibly childish bs- has he not apologized, told you he didn’t mean it etc, anything? 

Post # 8
508 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Yikes! I found the ring, and ruined the proposal he had planned. I didn’t even tell him I found it, but as soon as he came home somehow he “Knew” lol I guess I was acting strange. DH instead of making a big deal about it, promptly got the ring and propsed right there. Though he would not tell me what his plans were before I found the ring lol 

Let things calm down. Maybe he is going to come up with something else you will love… 

Post # 9
2796 posts
Sugar bee

I think it’s more likely that he’s mad at the friend for telling you because he changed his mind or wasn’t actually mentally prepared to go through with it… So now he’s upset that you have the expecatation of a proposal and he’s trying to back out of it by claiming that all his hard work is ruined. A person who wants to marry you won’t change their mind because of something so insignificant.  

Post # 10
11373 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

You both acted poorly. But PP are right, if he persists with his current tantrum he is not husband material anyway. 

In general, it’s a bad idea to involve your friends in revealing secrets about your partner while drunk. This just isn’t never going to go to a good place.


Post # 11
4966 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
taylorl1543 :  OK I get he’s disappointed but you asked  in a drunken state and it was his friend who let the cat out of the bag. His whole stance as a result is an over reaction. No offence you’ve been together for six years, every holiday, dinner,  romantic day out is going to have you suspecting or hoping for a proposal until you end up with a ring on your finger. You know that its going to happen on your holiday but I’m certain you suspected it anyway. His friend didn’t tell you the details of how and what which is what makes a proposal.

I knew my proposal was happening. It was still special because of the sentiment and the unknown details of the what, how and where. Your guy is over reacting. Apologize and give him some space to regroup. Convey that it will still be special and a surprise because you don’t know any details other than it will happen between these dates. 

Also… Two years planning and his overreaction on this slip of the tongue better mean that he’s hired sign writers to write will you marry me in the sky. Otherwise the time taken to plan and his upset doesn’t add up… 

Post # 12
2241 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

So, I’m echoing the chorus here. It’s understandable he might be disappointed, but to react the way you describe is a much larger issue. A few things come to mind:

– His buddy lied to you. He was on the spot, didn’t want you to get upset, and so he said what he thought you wanted to hear. He had to tell your BF, because you’d be upset and tell him where you heard the story when your BF didn’t come through.

– It doesn’t take 2 years to plan a proposal. If he really wanted to marry you, waiting (and by necessity making YOU wait) 2 years when he knows you were eager to get engaged, isn’t a thing that happens. Saying he’s been planning for 2 years to explain the magnitude of his upset is an excuse.

– Someone who wants to marry you just says so. They don’t go to such lengths to make an elaborate plan and then if that somehow gets derailed, uses it as an opportunity to say now he doesn’t want to propose at all.

You’ve been together a long time. He should know unequivocally by now whether he wants to marry you or not. You need to be ready to admit the answer may be no. This isn’t about you wrecking his proposal, this is about you unearthing the fact one isn’t forthcoming. Decide whether you want to stick around for that, but don’t confuse this for something it isn’t.

Post # 13
3184 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

This story doesn’t make sense. Two years to plan a proposal is Out of Town. I’m pretty sure my DH probably spent 3 hours planning his, and that’s a lot for him. (He’s not a planner.) 

It sounds very questionable that you could “ruin” the proposal by asking when it is. This sounds like a bunch of BS from your boyfriend. 

If he wanted to get married, he would ask you. He wouldn’t not ask because you had asked his best friend when it would happen. 

He sounds very immature. 

Post # 14
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I have to say I agree with other bees here. He sounds painfully immature.

To say it takes 2 years to plan a proposal- really? I’m sorry but weddings can be planned in well under a year, nevermind the proposal. If he wanted to propose, he would do it. He wouldn’t make this ridiculous excuse that all is lost because you found out. 

I’m sorry bee, it really sounds like he either isn’t ready to get married or just doesn’t want to be married. To throw a tantrum like that over such a trivial thing is a red flag (in my opinion). Perhaps when you guys have the chance to cool down you can have an honest talk about marriage. Does he actually want to get married or is feeling pressured into doing so? Maybe take the time to see how he’s really feeling about this because this “tantrum” may indicate something deeper.

Post # 15
373 posts
Helper bee

Your man is full of shyt.

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