I ruined my own proposal?! Help!!

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
Post # 16
Member
2332 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

This happened two weeks ago!? what’s been happening since? 

Post # 17
Member
9926 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

You’re really buying this?

Post # 18
Member
1513 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

taylorl1543 :  Does any one have any adivce to give me that i can cchange his mind and tell him it isn’t any less special that i know?!? 

Show him this study: https://www.universityofcalifornia.edu/news/spoiler-alert-spoilers-make-you-enjoy-stories-more

“What we found, remarkably, was if you spoil stories they actually enjoy them more.”

Christensen repeated the experiment with three different genres: mystery stories containing a “whodunit” moment; ironic twist stories, where a surprise ending crystallizes the whole story; and literary fiction with a neat resolution.

Across all three genres spoilers actually were enhancers,” said Christenfeld. 

———–

Variation:

This time, instead of letting readers finish the story, Christenfeld’s team stopped people before they reached the spoiled ending and asked them how much they were enjoying the piece. If the benefit of spoilers comes from simply knowing the ending, you wouldn’t expect to see any increased enjoyment in the middle of a yarn.

Once again, there was a surprise twist.

It turns out even halfway through a story, you enjoy a spoiled story more, before you get to that spoiled ending,” said Christenfeld.

To Christenfeld, this suggests that spoilers help you know the purpose of the overall narrative, so you’re able to better incorporate all of the details and plot points that get you to the end.

——————

This is why they say anticipation is often the best part, better than the actual event itself.

Post # 19
Member
5893 posts
Bee Keeper

“I’ve been planning the awesomest proposal for 2 years and now you don’t get it” sounds like that 16 year old douchebag boyfriend too many of us dated in high school ‘fine, break up with me, too bad you won’t be getting the birthday I’ve been planning the whole time, I was gonna throw you this amazing surprise party and I arranged for Justin Timberlake to sing Happy Birthday to you and I was going to pick you up in a limo and take you to the jewelry store and let you buy anything in it you wanted’ 

….because of course, he’s wanting you to be sorry you ever broke up with him (or in your case asked his drunk friend about the proposal) and he wants to punish you and rub it in just how very very much you’ll now be missing out because you screwed up so very very badly, cost you your chance of something that was going to be freaking epic! hope you’re happy with yourself now etc. 

Of course if you hadn’t broken up with 16 year old d-bag bf, this surprise party-Sexy Back- limo-shopping spree would have morphed into taking you out for dinner, letting you pay for it, and gifting you with a slightly dusty gift box set of bath products pilfered from the floor of his mom’s bedroom closet. 

I’m not necessarily saying your bf wasn’t planning to propose, or wasn’t planning to make it nice, just that his look-what-you’re-missing-out-on tantrum is totally high school (if not junior high) and it’s not bloody likely he actually has spent the last two entire years planning the proposal. He’s only trying to rub salt in your wound Bee and that, in itself, is worrying. 

Post # 20
Member
665 posts
Busy bee

taylorl1543 :  he’s either trying to throw you off to think he’s not proposing so he can surprise you, or he’s looking for a way out to not propose. Either way he’s playing games or immature or doesn’t want this. He’s really upsetting you. Let him go. You shouldn’t have been living with him and waiting this long in the first place. 

Post # 21
Member
10845 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

RobbieAndJuliahaha :  

The last time I went through this, I was six.  He promised to let me hold his puppy if I kissed him instead of his brother.

Alas, femme fatale that I was, I kissed them both and war broke out.

I found another puppy to hold.

Post # 22
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2020 - New York, New York

The proposal doesn’t really matter! Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice to have a fun story to tell people if they ask how Fiance popped the question. But the marriage is so much more important. 

Years and years ago, my parents were hanging out at their apartment. My dad asked, “How do you feel about marriage?”, my mom answered his question, and then dad got the ring out and proposed. Nothing crazy, nothing elaborate. And my parents have been married for almost 35 years. If your boyfriend feels like the proposal is more important than the marriage, then I hate to say it, but your marriage isn’t going to last. 

Post # 23
Member
6740 posts
Bee Keeper

Seriously?

Post # 24
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2018

As someone who has a very emotional post once, THIS IS NOT THE PLACE. There will always be someone telling you it’s your fault, or he’s immature, or you should leave him. It’s a very emotional time!

I also ruined my own engagement. I snopped a little, found the tracking info and knew the ring had arrived. I then turned into Godzilla for about 2 weeks. We were planning on going away and I was so hoping/begging him it would happen then. He had wanted to element of surprise, and instead of proposing at the spot he has planned (and paid for), he did it right in the bathroom while i was looking for socks before we got in the car.

If he really wants the element of surprise, he will just have to rethink it (which can be daunting for someone not creative). Don’t cry. Don’t yell at him. Don’t complain to your mother (as I did every day, boy was she happy to not have to hear from me.) Remember you love him. Remember it’s going to happen.

And most importantly remember that 90% of brides get like this. Every single one of my friends has. My sister did. It’s different to be a modern girl. You live together for YEARS, you buy houses, get pets, share expenses, talk about life plans all before the ring. You are not alone.

Post # 25
Member
531 posts
Busy bee

taylorl1543 :  Why should you have to apologize? He is the one who ruined it by supposedly taking 2 whole years to plan it (which I doubt is even true).

I bet the drunk friend didn’t even know what he was talking about. And then your boyfriend was probably like, “Awesome! Now I can overreact AND avoid the proposal I didn’t even want AND have my girlfriend groveling at my feet thinking I’m mad at her. I sure do get the upper hand in all of this!”

Post # 26
Member
1130 posts
Bumble bee

I agree with PPs that it’s hard to believe he spent two years on a proposal. And I seriously doubt that he ever plans on marrying you given his maturity level. 

But anyway, assuming you believe him, first ask him about a new timeline and emphasize that you’re not waiting two more years. If you’re okay with the new timeline then great.

If you aren’t okay with the new timeline it’s time to walk. You’ve dedicated way too much time to this loser. You clearly really want marriage and please do not sell yourself short into settling for cohabitation. I know way too many people that have been cohabitating for years and if one wants marriage and the other doesn’t it just breeds resentment and unhappiness. It’s very sad to see so many broken hearts in unhappy relationships. Don’t let yourself get to that point. 

Post # 27
Member
3882 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Well, it’s his friend’s fault really, not yours. The friend could have said no, or that he didn’t know. And he did not take 2 years to plan a proposal, that’s ridiculous. He’s going to have to calm down and either change his plan or continue with it and decide that it will still be lovely. 

Post # 28
Member
37 posts
Newbee

It’s a little extreme to me that some bees are saying he no longer wants to marry you or is looking for a way out…

…Sure he may not have spent 2 years planning the proposal, that is excessive to say the least, but either way he is obviously butthurt about the surprise being ruined. Yes he is acting like a big baby about it, but I don’t think it means he doesn’t want to marry her anymore. He is just throwing his toys out the pram, and undeservedly she is left feeling like the bad guy.

Post # 29
Member
321 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

taylorl1543 :  Aww! I totally get the feeling. I don’t think this should ruin your proposal, I really don’t. I would just have a talk with your bf, apologize for your curiosity (totally get it) and leave the ball in his court. I think needing 2 years to plan a proposal is a little over the top, personally!

Post # 30
Member
307 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

Throat punch him so he’ll have a real excuse to be upset. Two years planning a proposal? GTFO… more like 5mins of planning how to have a tantrum to deflect that it’s been 6 years and no ring!

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