I ruined my whole proposal plan!!!

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
Post # 61
Member
973 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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Melanie6 :  So, what are you going to do about it?  Are you going to keep venting about it on here or will you actually talk to him and tell him that he is the one that actually ruined the proposal?  Will you break up?

Post # 62
Member
4818 posts
Honey bee

Well, then you associate with a lot of assholes.  You may want to re-examine why so many are in your life and lose some dead weight.

And now with your latest update we can also add likes to humiliate you in front of other people to the list of petulant, mean, and selfish.

 

I’ve been reading a lot of the AITA subreddit lately and someone recently commented with a very astute observation about the difference between the posts from men and women.  The men’s posts tend to look a lot like:

“I abandoned my gf at home and then set fire to it and now she won’t talk to me.  AITA?”

Whereas women’s posts tend to be more:

“My bf abandoned me in a house and set fire to it.  AITA for not wanting to be set on fire with the house?”

 

OP, Stop being that woman.  Stop accepting blame for men who are shitty to you.  Want better for yourself.

Post # 63
Member
2037 posts
Buzzing bee

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Melanie6 :  so you have been validated on here by literally every poster that you did nothing wrong. Your family and friends are idiots if they are really going to blame you for this and you need to surround yourself with better people.

now that we have established that this is unacceptable, what are you going to do now? 

If you’re not going to doing anything about the situation and you’re going to settle for this kind of treatment then you no longer get to complain about it. I don’t have compassion for grown adults who complain about a situation (no matter what it is) and then do nothing about it.

Think about what you want to do. Life is short and no one deserves to be punished for finding out a “surprise.”

If you can’t see that you deserve better and/or you will not act in your own best interest then no one else will.

All the validation in the world isn’t going to change anything. You have to want more for yourself and act on it to get results.

Post # 65
Member
2043 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

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Melanie6 :  that’s not even the worst part. The worst part is that he told all my friends in my circle plus my FATHER that everything was called off. How’s that to add insult to injury 

 

Wait, he actually DID that?  And you STILL want to be his wife???  Please know that a loving partner would NEVER do this.  He deliberately humiliated you as punishment for figuring out his plan??? WHO THE HELL DOES THAT???  Oh, wait a controlling asshole does that.

Get out of this relationship.  Get out , get out GET OUT!

The really sad part is that NOONE, not even your father stood up for you!  I would be supremely disappointed in my friends and fam!  Do you even know what he told them?  I mean how could anyone even think you did anything wrong unless he gave them the impression that you did way more than you did?  

This guy did you a favor.  I hope you come to your senses and walk.

Post # 66
Member
841 posts
Busy bee

 that’s not even the worst part. The worst part is that he told all my friends in my circle plus my FATHER that everything was called off. How’s that to add insult to injury 

Seriously OP, what on earth are you doing with this kind of an asshole?

If anyone else tells you that you ruined your proposal, tell them that YOU DID NOT. Tell them that your bf is a cruel and emotionally abusive asshole and his behaviour about this proposal he supposedly had planned just proves it. I mean, my dad would have popped him one if he said he was punishing me for finding out, what does your father think? he can;t possibly support this carry on??????

I don’t believe for one second that he had a proposal planned at all. 

Post # 67
Member
1354 posts
Bumble bee

Oh dear. We can’t have sex tonight because the element of surprise has been ruined. I best let everyone know…..

I guess I can’t make dinner tonight because we did the grocery shopping together so there is no element of surprise left.

Well, I didn’t buy you that toolbox you wanted for your birthday/ Christmas/ anniversary because I couldn’t surprise you with it. So you ruined it all by wanting one.

Post # 68
Member
84 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2020

I might get roasted for this – I didn’t read all of the comments, it got toxic FAST but skimmed through – sure could he have handled it a little different? Absolutely. Some of the people on here advocating break up and couseling – no one knows what that conversation was like except you two. My fiance is very meticulous and if I had mentioned finding out to my or his friend that I had any idea about the proposal he would want the heads up and then he would probably have told me laughed it off – told me all about how it was going to happen as well because to be frank it sounds like he put ALOT OF THOUGHT AND DETAIL INTO THIS, which some guys do not – and he would have told my friends and family that the engagement would be postponed/was off until he could actually surprise me the next time. My friends and family would have completely understood.

She even though she said doesn’t like to be the center of attention said it was her dream proposal in the original post so there’s some conflicting information.

She didn’t elaborate as to how he had that conversation just that he did and by calling the engagement ‘off’ doesn’t mean that he may not be still planning something it may mean he wants it to be on his time and special. Sure if he was mean and emotionally abusive about it then sure read the red flags, get counseling whatever. But pending how that conversation do not make a mountain out of a mole hill with your man unless it’s necessary.

Melanie I am sorry  your feelings are hurt and things are not going as planned but as someone that was completely surprised by the engagement (it wasn’t a big thing but still a surprise none the less) I can tell you – it’s worth it! I hate being the center of attention but when he asked I literally had to sit down I was in such shock. And it sounds like your man especially since you said it meant a lot to him to surprise you wants to be able to make it a special moment for you. 

If there’s a villian here it’s the man you spoke with that spilled the beans but a delayed engagement due to wanting it to be a big deal and an absolute surprise isn’t a reason to roast the guy either in my opinion. Edited to add that maybe the part where he said she ruined it. But even then that could be emotions, or shock and he could have definitely handled that tidbit better! Only Melanie knows if it came from a shock of her knowing, emotions high or if he was being malicious.

I know I am in the miniority here but nothing from the posts has lead me objectively to think the relationship is doomed or abusive. Good luck Melanie and chin up girl it’ll come in due time!

Post # 69
Member
1250 posts
Bumble bee

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dlyn16 :  her Fiance can be disappointed about the surprise being ruined without being an ass. If a future child of his (if they’re not CFBC) finds out about his/her surprise bday party, is he gonna punish the child by cancelling the party? Why is this something that deserves a punishment? Sure it’s a minor bummer the surprise was ruined. But he needs to get over it. There is NO excuse for him to be humiliating OP or blaming her! He made her cry! That’s obviously not a kind conversation. All she did was use two brain cells to put the obvious clues together. His fault for not being discrete if anything. 

Post # 70
Member
557 posts
Busy bee

this guy sounds like a jerk.  many of my friends guessed or suspected when their proposal was coming in similiar situations– big romantic getaway coming up, bf acting odd, they had discussed engagement, etc.

i understand if he is disappointed if he were hoping it was a surprise, but he could have kept his mouth shut and gone through with it anyway.  it’s on *HIM* that its “ruined.”

 

Post # 71
Member
841 posts
Busy bee

he can’t bring himself to do it 

A man who wants to propose will propose. 

That is not normal behaviour. Pack your bags now and leave today.  There are a lot of great guys out there who won’t want to bully and humiliate you. Don’t you think you deserve one of these instead?

Post # 72
Member
3106 posts
Sugar bee

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dlyn16 :  “I know I am in the miniority here…”

And thank our lucky stars for that.

Post # 73
Member
2043 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

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Melanie6 :  We have spoken many times . And he told me because the element of surprise was taken away he can’t bring himself to do it 

Girl, your updates get worse and worse.  So lets be clear….no wedding is happening AT ALL , like ever……because he didn’t get his speshul moment??? Do I have that right?  Because that tells me his priorities and marrying someone he supposedly loves is low on the totem pole, if there at all.

Clear this up for us bee.

Post # 74
Member
8007 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Sounds as if he found the out he wanted. Does he often reach out to all your friends and family to share personal issues in your relationship? Because…ick. I don’t care how disappointed he may be–that’s not how an adult handles something like this. How long do you think he can string you along now without having to propose, constantly reminding you that it’s all your fault because you blew it. 

If he’s so upset he should skip the cruise altogether. You can go alone, maybe you’ll meet a nice man.

Post # 75
Member
2037 posts
Buzzing bee

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Melanie6 : of course he can’t *possibly* propose now. You will never be surprised again now that you know.

Don’t you know THE most important part of engagement is the big, all-knowing man deciding your future unilaterally and him bestowing on you the great honor of the man asking the subservient, clueless woman to be his wife? How dare you put two and two together and ruin his moment! 🤮 Now you must await the sentencing for the length of time that he deems appropriate that you must wait for him decide you will have waited long enough to forget about this blunder of yours! Maybe a year perhaps?

All sarcasm aside, with your latest update it seems that he wasnt going to propose anyway which means you will never be legally tied to this man by default. He will always find an excuse and blame you in the process. 

Sad thing is you’re wasting your time with this fool 

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