I ruined the proposal

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
  • poll:
  • Post # 2
    Member
    1106 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2019

    He asked, you responded. Proposing on vaction isn’t a revolutionary idea so I’m not sure what he expected. I honestly wouldn’t worry about this. Surprise or not, it will still be special. Mine wasn’t a surprise and it was still perfect. 

    Post # 3
    Hostess
    8829 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: Dorset, UK

    misslynnyou :  Don’t beat yourself up too much. Having adult conversations in a long term relationship is wonderful and to be expected. The downside is though if you talk about it, it’s hard for it to be a surprise (which I am sure he now realises). For what it is worth. I knew roughly when my proposal was coming and to be honest it was still amazing and special and just right for us. Try not to worry!

    Post # 4
    Member
    9284 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    Your boyfriend’s being butthurt for no good reason. You’ve been together 7 years and have a big fancy trip coming up—it doesn’t take Einstein to think that a proposal might happen. Instead of beating yourself up about it, I’d be more annoyed that he’s acting like a big baby.

    fwiw, I knew my proposal was around the corner bc he had the ring. I was also worried the surprise element was gone. But nope, when the time came, it was still so surprising and special. Just bc I knew it was coming didn’t mean I knew exactly how and where he was going to do it, what he was going to say, etc. I was silly for having worried.

    Post # 5
    Member
    4608 posts
    Honey bee

    How did you ruin it?

    Was it going to end in marriage but now when he proposes it is going to be a duel to the death because you knew in advance?  Was your family cursed many generations ago to strike down your first born child if your proposal isn’t a surprise?

    As PP pointed out, proposals are not a new concept and neither is proposing on vacation.  Will the proposal end in an engagement and eventually marriage?  Then it was successful.

    In the future, the both of you take this as a lesson that you shouldn’t ask questions you don’t really want the answer to or go fishing for info or engage in conversations about things you want as a surprise.

    Post # 6
    Member
    2466 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Total cr*p, but in one way, you are at least partly responsible for the nonsense, in that you didn’t relieve him of the necessity of feeling that he needed to plan a bloated semi phony “oh my goodness I’m SO SURPRISEDL extravaganza to do something that can be just as beautiful and elegant and, above all MEANINGFUL without a lot of gassy pretensions  attached to it.

    Are you thinking that a “surprise proposal” is an essential component to a happyeverafter married life? If so, you may find that the biggest surprise of all is that the most important beginning to a wonderful life together is the love that you SHARE. The goofy stuff can be LOTS OF FUN, but it IS NOT the CENTER of life and happiness in marriage, it’s the extra pixie dust, the SPICE, not the MEAT and POTATOES.

    You have now BOTH officially done THE WORST, He- for thinking that “the proposal” had to either be glossy magazine “perfect” or conversely “ruined”, and YOU- because you bought into that version and decided that there’s only one way to have a DREAM (?) proposal.

    Time for you BOTH to give up on your preconceived notions, give each other a reasonable number of “what’s REALLY important is how much we love each other” hugs and kisses, and move forward into the REAL romantic adventure!

    Post # 7
    Member
    137 posts
    Blushing bee

    annabananabee :  This comment is hurtful to those of us whose families have in fact been cursed by wizards. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    137 posts
    Blushing bee

    But seriously, I’m sure it can still be beautiful even if it’s anticipated.

    Post # 9
    Member
    1279 posts
    Bumble bee

    this isn’t necessarily specific to you, but its so weird to me that so many women want to be blindsided by their proposal (but also expect it to be the pinterest-perfect moment of their dreams). honestly if i didn’t have a good idea when and how i was going to be proposed to i would probably have had a panic attack when my husband asked me to marry him, because i’m awesome that way. lol

    he asked what you thought, and you answered. nothing is ruined. the man you want to marry is going to ask you to marry him, presumably in a way that he will have spent time and effort making awesome. its okay for you both to be a little crestfallen that the idea of an out-of-the-blue proposal is sort of blown now…but i think if you make clear to him that you’re still thrilled and excited about the prospect of the proposal he will perk up pretty quick. 🙂

    Post # 10
    Member
    1481 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2018

    To echo previous bees, WHY do so many men and women think that a good proposal must be a surprise?

    Talk to your boyfriend and let him know the surprise isn’t what is important! What is important is that he ask you to spend the rest of your life with him.

    Post # 11
    Member
    9221 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2013

    he shouldn’t have asked then.

    i knew the exact date of my proposal, i just didn’t know the how.  it was still magical.  knowing the date didn’t take away from it at all.

    Post # 12
    Member
    1056 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2019

    You didn’t ruin it in the slightest. Also he shouldn’t have asked if he didn’t want an answer.

    If it makes you and him feel better, I would remind him that although you know it’s probably coming on your vacation, you have no idea HOW he is going to do it or exactly when. So those parts will still be a surprise, which honestly most people I know those were the only parts that were a true surprise. You’ll read a lot of proposal stories that start with “I had a feeling it was coming on this date/trip/event,” and then they’ll follow up with they didn’t know he’d do it exactly that way and it was such a sweet surprise and they were so happy. So a lot of people are in your situation where they have an idea of when it’s going to be but are still pleasantly surprised by the actual proposal and are just happy to be engaged.

    So regardless it will be a very special time for you both and nothing at all is ruined!

    Post # 13
    Member
    981 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    Echoing others. 

    You’re going on a major vacation, been together 7 years, discussed marriage, and know an engagement is forthcoming. There IS no surprise! Both of you need to move past wanting this big blowout surprise. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    938 posts
    Busy bee

    There’s an old saying: never ask questions you don’t want to hear the answers to. 

    If anyone is in the wrong here (and I don’t think anyone is), it’s him. 

    FWIW, I know within a 15 minute window when fiancé is going to “officially” propose (apparently he doesn’t want people to know he actually asked me in bed after having sex one day 😂).  It’s not going to make the proposal any less special. 

    Post # 15
    Member
    2103 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2018

    “Your boyfriend’s being butthurt for no good reason. You’ve been together 7 years and have a big fancy trip coming up—it doesn’t take Einstein to think that a proposal might happen. Instead of beating yourself up about it, I’d be more annoyed that he’s acting like a big baby.”

    Exactly. I pretty much knew my Fiance was going to propose on our 5-year anniversary trip to London. Guess what? It was still a surprise and lovely.

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