Post # 1
Semi-regular bee going anon here because frankly, I’m still sorting this out (emotionally and mentally) myself.
A little backstory: Got married last year, dated my husband for 5 years before that. I’ve never had any strong inclinations to have kids and throughout the majority of my 20s, I was pretty certain I never wanted to have babies. I do like kids, but raising children was a whole new ball game as far as I was concerned and I wasn’t sure I wanted to give up the life I had.
I am now almost 30 and suddenly, I’m feeling twinges of regret for saying that I “Never” wanted kids. I still don’t want to raise a whole litter or anything (haha) but the idea of having one suddenly doesn’t seem so ridiculous anymore. I think a part of me is really scared that I may regret not having children. I feel like I spent so long saying I didn’t want kids that I convinced myself for the larger portion of my late 20s.
All this being said, I feel like I betrayed my husband by saying I didn’t want children all those years. He has always said that he can go either way: he doesn’t need kids to be happy but if that’s what I wanted, he would be open to it. His non-chalant disposition has also contributed to my own ambivalence on the topic. But I’m really feeling a tug right now. It’s not baby fever or my biological clock ticking; it’s just…doubt in my previous decision.
I’m not exactly sure what kind of advice I’m looking for. Maybe just some words of wisdom? Similar stories? General advice?
Thanks for reading.
This topic was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by anonbebe88.
Post # 2
- Wedding: October 2017 - Baton Rouge, LA
anonbebe88: i have a feeling i’ll be posting this exact same post in 3 years… i’m getting married next month, will be 27 in may. and right now, i have nooo desire to have children at all. my Fiance is much like your Darling Husband in that he’s just as non-chalant about it, and on the fence as i am. i aboslutely could not imagine raising children right now. but could totally see myself second guessing that when the big 3-0 hits me.
i dont have any advice, i hope to gain some myself from this thread. just want you to know, youre totally not alone in the way you feel. good luck & hugs!
Post # 3
I’d just talk to your husband about it. There are pros and cons to both sides and there’s nothing wrong with changing your mind. But you both need to be on board if you decide to try to have a kid.
Post # 4
- Wedding: Train station ceremony / Hilton reception
I’ve felt, since I was a little girl, that I didn’t want kids. I’m 24 and I do not forsee changing my mind.
If you have any doubts, please consider what your life will be like once you’ve had kids. Some women regret having their child every day, once they are born, and then it’s too late. They still love their child, of course, but many of them hate how much their lives changed after having them.
Everything changes. My fiance’s sister was with a man for a decade. She got married to him in the 8th or so year of their relationship and, shortly after, got pregnant. They said, “We’re gonna stay cool. We’re still gonna go out and have fun, even after the baby is born.” When the baby was born, they quickly realized that they had to sacrifice everything — everything changed. By the time the baby was 2 years old, they filed for divorce.
Kids can bring a lot of happiness to couples who REALLY want them and are okay with losing part or all of their sex lives, sleep, alone time, etc. But for those on the fence, it’s so important to consider both sides.
I recommend checking out the childfree subreddit on Reddit and some of the childfree boards on Pinterest — not to sway you any particular way, but to expose the “other side” of having children. Many women on Reddit have posted about how sad they are and how much they regret having their child. Just consider everything before jumping in!
Post # 5
My best friend just visited with her toddler yesterday. She is a rare treat, an honest mom. She tells me, “NEVER have kids! Don’t do it!” He was into everything, turning lights on and off, tried to throw his leap pad at my tv, spilled juice everywhere, was interrupting us constantly.
Raising a child is frustrating, exhausting, annoying, all-consuming, thankless, and you don’t know what child you’ll end up with. My friend that visited was hell bent on doing things right from day one and having a child that behaved but being consistent with the right kind of discipline had not made him an easy toddler. Apparently, these toddlers are human beings that can choose to be unreasonable jerks despite your best efforts.
Parents are more likely to be unhappy than non-parents. They’re more stressed and broke too.
Don’t buy the hype. Just look around at the parents you know. Do you want that crap?
Post # 6
Talk to your husband about it 🙂
There’s no harm in changing your mind.
I’ve always wanted kids, so I can’t relate..
It’s a life-changing decision but if deep down you realize that you will regret not having children, then it’s a good idea to open yourself to the idea of changing your mind and starting a family 🙂
Post # 7
- Wedding: Train station ceremony / Hilton reception
That is such a good point. And many moms who are uncomfortable being that honest in real life, go to places like Reddit or other websites to be anonymous and honest / able to vent about how unhappy they are since becoming mothers.
It feels like lately everywhere I go, there are moms just furious with their screaming kids (Target, grocery stores, restaurants). “TAKE THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.” “WE’RE GOING TO GO RIGHT BACK HOME IF YOU DON’T STOP.” The screaming is so loud it drives me crazy and they’re not even my kid!
People like to say, “Oh, it’s different when they’re your own! Parenting is such a joy.” Sorry guys, your behavior and misery say otherwise.
Post # 8
Raising a child is frustrating, exhausting, annoying, all-consuming, thankless, and you don’t know what child you’ll end up with.
See.. I totally disagree.
Yes, raising a child is frustrating, exhausting, annoying, and all-consuming, but also incredibly fullfilling, rewarding, fascinating, surprising, wonderful, and amazing.
Post # 9
Also..just be glad your own parents didn’t feel the same way as you do about having children..
Post # 10
Have you talked to your husband to tell him how you feel? You guys my find you’re on the same page. If he still prefers the CBC lifestyle, then I wouldn’t push it. Babies need to be brought into this world by two willing parents. And if you read the thread I started yesterday, it’s been difficult for me to accept that. I think you can have a very fulfilling life and marriage no matter what the two of you decide together.
Post # 11
I agree with PP that you should have a serious sit down with your husband and explore all of your doubts/thoughts/emotions. perhaps revisit the thought of having children once a week and see how your feelings change and develop. Nothing wrong with changing your mind, we are human. You couldn’t have possibly known how you would feel at 30 when you were 20.
Post # 12
Like the other bees stated, just try talking to your husband about it! He may be feeling the same way that you are about it.
Post # 13
That’s a toughie. I can’t tell if you really still don’t want them or if you think that now you are older you feel you should
have them. If that makes sense. I’m way older and am CBC and haven’t regretted it. I had stepkids for a while and wow, was that ever different! Yes of course I loved them and tried to be the best stepmom I could, but I gotta say, it’s been nice without them now that we are divorced. I’d take other PPs advice and read some of those boards and really pinpoint why you are rethinking it, if you truly want one or if it’s just because that’s the societal “norm” or whatever it may be.
Post # 14
You shouldn’t be ashamed about this. FYI, I’m childfree by choice and so is my Fiance. But we’re open to the fact one of us might change their minds. We wouldn’t jump into that boat right away, but we would talk about the issue and consider all options. We already did when myFI considered a vasectomy, I started worrying : what if he died the day after in a car accident, would I ever regret not having kids from him ? What if something happens one day and completely changes our views about the kind of life we want ? Wouldn’t we regret this procedure ?
It was weird for me to admit that I wanted to prepare ”in case I changed my mind”, because I’m 99,9% sure I will not. But the 0,1% was still worrying me. We decided he would freeze his sperm before the vasectomy. Other CBC might think it’s not what being ”CBC” means, but I don’t care about their opinion. I care about what my Fiance and I think is the best for us and what would put our minds at peace. We’re not risk-takers by nature, that’s probably why, even though we’re pretty sure we’ll never want kids, we still want to consider the ”if” 😉
If your Fiance told you it was basically an open discussion, there is nothing keeping you from telling him how you feel and how your feelings have evolved. It’s time to have a very profound discussion about your life, why you want kids or not, and you need to allow enough time to this thought process to make its way before you two are ready to make a decision. For now, it’s just a discussion, but maybe you’ll find that are on the same page after all ?
Post # 15
Just because you see a parent frustrated with their child in a moment, that doesn’t mean the parent hates their life or regrets their child. We all have good days, and bad days, fun times, and difficult times. Raising children is not easy, but it definitely has it’s rewards. I just don’t think it’s fair to assume that someone who has a toddler having a tantrum at Target must just hate their life/regret their child. Sure, there are probably some people who really do regret their child (so sad) and may hate their life, but there are also people who are childfree who probably hate their life too for other reasons.
OP I think you should just discuss what you’re feeling with your husband. Try to figure out if you’re on the same page and go from there. You will probably get a lot of CBC feedback that is very negative toward children, and feedback from parents that is positive toward children. The only people who can decide if it’s right for your family is you and your husband.