(Closed) I Said No to Being a Bridesmaid at My Brother's Wedding – Was I Right?

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 46
Member
3148 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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Ingerutz:  omg why would you want to put yourself through dealing with her drama!!! No you dont have to surround yourself with people if you dont get along!! I dont get along with my Future Sister-In-Law and wont be attending her bridal shower or bachelorette. Sorry but i’m NOT sorry. She was completely uninterested in my wedding and has never even made an effort to speak to me unless she wants something. Why would i care about her if i am still on good terms with my brother? He’s the only one that matters. 

Be respectful. Be kind. But dont go out of your way to please someone who treats you like dirt. 

Post # 47
Member
770 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

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Ingerutz:  Wow, thats a tough one. If you said no just based on the fact that you work in the fashion industry and didn’t want to wear her choice of shoes, then I would say yes, you were in the wrong. But it seems like theres other factors in play here, so in the end I think you made the best decision for you. As long as your still on good terms with your brother, I wouldn’t worry about it anymore.

Post # 48
Member
2265 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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Ingerutz:  “I am very much against having to prove I love my brother through being her bridesmaid; she is in no position to critize me or my family since she has so many family issues of her own. Thank you for taking the time to read and respond.”

I find this response very odd.  

We don’t do things for the people we love to prove our love but to demonstrate it.  Acts of service, of sacrifice, generosity or selflessness are pretty much what constitutes loving someone else, isn’t it?  Words – saying, “oh yeah, I love you but I’m not about to do anything I don’t particularly feel like doing for you” isn’t really love.  

You have judged this girl harshly.  Maybe she deserves it, maybe she doesn’t but the fact remains your brother, a grown man, has chosen to marry her.  Stop making him a victim.  Stop thinking you know the totality of his relationship with her.  Realize it doesn’t matter what you think about their relationship and that your approval is not required but your respect for his choice is.  

Maybe she critisizes your family from a place of insecurity.  I think my own SIL half admired and half resented the fact that my family was close and supportive because her own family was and remains a trashy disaster.  I think she also wanted my brother all to herself and if she had been successful in dragging any of us into a war with her, she would have got her way.  

I feel quite confident your Future Sister-In-Law can’t hold a candle to the shenanigans my SIL has pulled in the 20+ years she and my brother have been together. Trust me on this one.  And I’ve ignored it all because I love my brother and he loves her.  He knows she’s got issues – but he chooses her.  And its not my place to question that.  

I’ve also learned over time that my SIL does have her good points.  When she’s not being psycho, she can be quite nice to sit and talk with.  So I take the good when its there and ignore the crap when it shows up.  

Get the chip off your shoulder.  You seem to want to be validated and not really open to considering that maybe you are wrong or could have handled this better.  Her bad behavior in no way justifies yours.  Of course playing nice or agreeing to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man doesn’t guarantee you your Future Sister-In-Law will suddenly be wonderful but there is absolutely nothing to be gained by ramping up and adding to the drama except that it will give her a convenient excuse to ramp it up even more.

When my SIL has tried to pick fights with me, I’ve simply refised to get in the ring with her.  I’ve smiled and pretended not to notice when she’s sat and glared daggers at me or challenged me in some ways.  When she’s accussed me of things and tried to play the victim with my brother, I’ve quietly and calmly defended myself without accusing her.  When I speak to my brother, I never fail to ask after her.  And you know what?  I think it drives her nuts and actually intimidates her.  She can’t goad me, she can’t manipulate me, she has no power over my actions and she hasn’t been successful in her goal of driving a wedge between me and my brother.  I also knows my brother sees the contrast in my behavior and his wife’s and that over time, I’ve come off far better.  That is nothing but win all the way around for me and she knows it.  

So, my advise to you would be to stop being invested in being right and be invested in your relationship with your brother.  

Post # 49
Member
3073 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

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Diamond84:  Except that it probalby is not One Day. As we all know from reaidng the Bridesmaid board here it is multiple days, lotsa $$$, really a lot of time.

Post # 50
Member
918 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

 

Ingerutz:  I would also do it just for my brother. But I get it would not be easy at all! Good luck!

Post # 51
Member
1347 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. So it’s fine you are coming as a guest. However the way you handled it was bad. Telling her No, then accepting just to finally back out. Her email about shoes wasn’t nasty. 

Post # 52
Member
2265 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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FauxPas2012:  In this day and age, when many brides have lots of specific notions of bridal party “duties,” I think its fair to ask what is involved in terms of time and money before agreeing to be a bridesmaid.  But once you’ve agreed, its pretty awful to back out – especially over something as trivial as not getting to wear the shoes you want.  

Post # 53
Member
858 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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Ingerutz:  I agree with everyone that’s said it’s kind of crappy that you accepted then backed out, but seriously you should not be standing up for them if you don’t support their marriage.

My FI’s best man just backed out, but that was 6 months after we asked him originally and we’re now 7 months out from the wedding…so we were a bit upset, but it was only a 2 day span for you, there’s not THAT much she could have planned in 2 days.

You need to just stick to your guns here and firmly say that while you will be honored to attend, you just don’t feel that you’re a good pick to be a bridesmaid.  Her bridesmaids should be those she is closest with, and it sounds like that’s not you.  I didn’t ask my FI’s sister to be a bridesmaid because we just aren’t that close.

I would have an incredibly hard time standing up for a couple in the situation you’ve described.  I could never stand up for a couple whose relationship I didn’t approve of.

Post # 54
Member
6593 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

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Ingerutz:  A bride can’t force someone to be in their wedding party that doesn’t want to be there.  She should have accepted your first request to bow out and gotten over it.  She’s okay to be a bit miffed about her Future Sister-In-Law not wanting to be in her bridal party but that doesn’t mean she gets to hold a gun against your head and force you to be in her bridal party.

Post # 55
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee

Oh goodness. I’m sorry you have to deal with that. I can’t tell you what would’ve been best. If I were in the same place I would’ve just been a bridesmaid. She’s going to be part of the family and I would’ve bit my tongue and just done it. She sounds like the kind of person that will hold a grudge against you. I’m not a pushover but for me it’s always just easier mentally to make someone I don’t like happy than not.

I want to add you’re definitely not in the wrong. It sounds like you already go out of your way to support her more than you want to.

  • This reply was modified 7 years, 7 months ago by .
Post # 56
Member
76 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2014 - Akiin Beach Club, Tulum Mexico

@Ingerutz Hmm tough situation, indeed.  However, once you accept, you pretty much accept to follow whatever the bride and groom request the bridal party to do… It sucks when you don’t have the same fashion taste but it’s a sacrifice you make to support and make the couple happy. But in the end if you’re not comfortable with this task, then the best was to opt out like you did, despite of already accepting – especially when you’re still in time. 

Post # 57
Member
3080 posts
Sugar bee

I must have had a brain freeze, when I answered before. I totally forgot the situation within my own family. I take back what I said about standing on your brother’s side, of the bridal party, if you don’t 100% support his marrying this woman. We had the same situation; my husband’s brother was his best man – when it came time for him to marry, 12 years later, his brother didn’t even have him in the bridal party. To say that no one likes the brother’s wife is an understatement, and although I don’t think my husband has ever gotten over the hurt of being ignored, it’s difficult being supoprtive, in that situation.  

Post # 58
Member
2202 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

Maybe, since you aren’t close to her, you should stop sending her such extravagant gifts. It must be confusing for her – I would think we were friends if I was getting gifted Tiffany and whatnot! Anyway, you sound like a diva. Before even being asked to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man you were already calling her up and saying no. Then, once you had changed your mind, she asks you to wear a specific pair of shoes – not unreasonable – and you are annoyed by it. I think she is lucky to have you bow out of the wedding. Bridesmaidzilla? 

Post # 60
Member
6610 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m closing this thread at the request of the OP. Thanks! 🙂

The topic ‘I Said No to Being a Bridesmaid at My Brother's Wedding – Was I Right?’ is closed to new replies.

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