Post # 1
Last night the boy and I got into a doozy of a fight about him using the word normal — as in, saying to me, “Why can’t you just use normal words?” after I’d sent him an email using the word xenophobic. This progressed into a larger argument about how he thinks I use big words to show off about how smart I am. Which … I do, but it’s partly because I’m proud of my education (2 degrees, here!) and partly because since I was a kid, I hid behind being smart to cover up for my own body issues (“I may not be drop dead gorgeous, but I’m smarter than you, dammit”). But the argument isn’t the issue … at least not in THIS post.
After the argument, I fell asleep crying and he told me this morning that in my sleep I said “I hate you.” I don’t hate him! I’m pissed at him, but it doesn’t mean I hate him! I don’t know what to do — I’ve apologized and I feel rotten. Not to mention I’m still upset about the argument. It’s been sort of a crappy morning for me 🙁
Post # 3
*Hugs* I’m sorry.
Obviously you have no control over what you say in your sleep… yes, it’s likely you were dreaming about him but you could have easily been dreaming about something else, too. Our dreams are just a collection of mishmashed things we’ve stored throughout the day, so it has no real significance. I hope he understands that!
Post # 4
Ugh, I have nightmares about… having nightmares and saying/ doing things I don’t mean.
Plain and simple, he *can’t* hold you to something you said in your sleep! How do either of you even know it was him you were hating? Yes, it’s coincidental, but even if it was him you were saying it to in your dream, it doesn’t mean it was him you were hating. Dreams can mean so many different things, most of them completely opposite of what the dream itself is.
Anyway, it’s probably just because of the argument that you’re both being sensitive about it. I’d just explain you have no control over your dreams and of course you don’t hate him.
Post # 5
Wow.. I would have diffused that by saying someone from your past was talking to your in your dream, and it felt so real that you must have said it out loud. That sucks, because I’m a sleep talker too.
And about the big words… totally understand that. I’m a geek, too, hiding behind my mad smartness skills, lol. But seriously, I would just say that big words are a part of your vocab, you’ve used them so long that they are a part of you and you can’t just turn off using certain words–no one’s brain works like that! It kind of bothers me that it was an argument because most people who use big words in their vocab aren’t doing it to make fun/point out other people’s deficiencies, just do it because they find that those words better describe what they’re trying to say! So good luck, and I hope he understands.
Post # 6
That’s rough – I had a dream that FH cheated and I was mad at him the whole day, even though I knew it was irrational since I was the one that dreamed it.
But, being that we’re in the world of dreams, even if you said “I hate you”, he couldn’t know what context it was in – or if he was the recipient of the language. I talk in my sleep all the time and I’m not necessary talking to FH.
And really – upset about “xenophobic”? That’s one of those words that is a normal word because it takes about 12 other “normal” words to describe what it means. I guess the bigger question is, does your history of hiding behind smart make him feel small? It could be more that just the words that you use – maybe ask him if you’re inadvertently making him feel dumb?
Post # 7
Hm, maybe you use big words because you KNOW THEM?!
I have a large vocabulary also and they come naturally to me. Tell him to buy a dictionary =]
But really, maybe you just said that when you were asleep because the argument FELT childish so your brain reverted to that?
Post # 8
Oh gosh! I’m so sorry that happened!! I’ve said some pretty crazy things to Fiance, but he always forgives me for what I’ve said. And kuddo’s for being proud of your education!! 🙂 I’m sure he will forgive you, just let him know you were probably mad & your “sleep mind” said it, not you! 🙂
Post # 9
You were asleep for heaven’s sake! You can’t be held accountable for something you said in a dream – something that might as well have been in response to the attempts by purple bumblebears to steal your magic scarf or somesuch. I understand feeling badly because, well, it was an unfortunate thing to follow on the heels of an argument, but you apologized and there’s not much else you can do.
I know you said the argument isn’t the point, but it’s a little troubling that your Fiance feels threatened by your smarts. Unless you’re deliberately talking down to him, which seems unlikely, he’s got no reason to be anything but proud of you and your education. Sounds like maybe he’s taking his insecurities out on you, and that’s not fair. It’s not your job to make sure he feels smart enough – it’s his job to do the work to feel comfortable with himself and appreciate that your vocabulary is not somehow an indictment of his brainpower.
Post # 10
Apparently I am prone to regularly saying nasty things in my sleep. Fiance will tell me in the morning and we laugh about it. He is not offended at all. But it hasn’t happened connected to an event ( like a fight)- so maybe its different.
Post # 11
Yeah, the argument was ri-donk-ulous. I think the difference was in the way we were brought up — my dad’s a huge scrabble geek, makes crosswords from scratch, and schooled me on grammar from the start. It was really important to me, and still is. I get very cranky when I see signs that read “Get you’re donut’s here” Just typing that made me twitch. When he asked why I used “xenophobic” instead of something else, I said, because describing it would take 18 other words (I counted) and this word is all inclusive. He claims that he asked five people at work what it meant and they didn’t know. He works with computer programmers — of course they don’t know. Everyone at my non-profit knew what that word was! He doesn’t value language or grammar and claims that “most Americans don’t either. Why do you need to know grammar when we’re all texting and tweeting anyway?” My response of “because you sound like an ignorant dumbass” was not well-received. *sigh*
Post # 12
Regarding the sleep thing – he cannot hold you accountable for that. Tell him to get over it!
Regarding your large vocabulary – I have a great education and a strong vocabulary as well. Darling Husband is always asking me what words mean. But he is asking because he is curious so that he can learn them and broaden his vocabulary. I hope that you do NOT stop using your large vocabulary…with today’s sad state of affairs. Most people use HORRIBLE grammar and use only 20% of the vocabulary that was commonplace just 50 years ago….we need people like you out there spreadin’ the verbage!!! So keep it up and, like CorgiTales said, tell him to get a dictionary! He should be happy and proud to be married to someone who he can learn from!
Post # 13
What, he did a survey? And it’s irrelevant whether or not most Americans care. You do.
One doubts that the vast majority of Americans give a flip whether or not the clock in Vista is analog or digital, but some programmer somewhere is going nuts over that wee detail.
Post # 14
oh, honey! I’m so sorry!!!
re: the dream – why did he assume it was him 😉 who knows what you could have been dreaming? could he have been dreaming you said that?? hopefully he won’t take it too seriously – and, don’t feel bad!! You know you don’t hate him. I’ve had the craziest dreams post-engagement – I wish I wrote them all down – but they ranged from marrying someone else, to all sorts of crazy things – my subconscious is working overtime!
re: the ‘normal words’ bit – I totally understand where you are coming from. FI has said that to me long before we were engaged. He’d claim I’d use words he didn’t understand when we’d argue. Finally, I told him to just stop me if he didn’t understand something. (This took years, mind you.) Something I came to realize is that he wasn’t brought up with the same education as I was – and, he really has a different primary language in his household. I think I’ve compromised some, in terms of making sure I didn’t use super big words with him, because it made him feel stupid, but I certainly don’t stop pushing the envelope with him. Granted, I think he’s also making strides in learning words 😉 but, that comes over time. Only you know your Fiance. As you two continue to talk about, maybe you both can figure out a way to handle your disparity with the English language… his comments about ‘why does it matter’ would send me up the wall, though. When you’ve cooled off, perhaps you can help explain why it’s important to YOU. Hopefully, with a little understanding for both of you, you can get through this without more bad dreams!!
Post # 15
well, I totally agree with you. Unless he grew up on another language, maybe he should start playing scrabble! Or, looking up a word occassionally. It wouldn’t kill him.
He should be proud that you are so smart! Not asking you to dumb things down for him!
As a bonus, I’ve learned what “xenophobic” means.
Ironically your Fiance is essentially scared by words he doesn’t know….sorta xenophobic in itself, no? =]
Post # 16
I punched my fiance in the nose once while I was sleeping. I’m not quite sure why I was sleeping with my fists balled up in front of my face, but I was & he was sleeping a few inches from me, facing me.
I tend to have dreams with people attacking me (any Freudient interpretations on that one??), so I was trying to defend myself. It was right in that moment btwn waking and sleeping, so I kind of felt myself doing it right as I punched him square in the nose!! I can’t remember if it was actually him I was fighting (probably not), but I laughed & apologized & said it wasn’t him in my dream that I was fighting. In other words–particularly if you can’t remember exactly what was going on in your dream–DENY!
Besides, if we start being held accountable for our subconscious thoughts then we’re all screwed!