(Closed) I say mean things when I’m angry :(

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I have a pretty quick temper, but I think that one of my attributes is that I fight fair. I think it is maybe a hard thing to learn if you don’t start early– I learned from my parents. Really, what does yelling and screaming and saying mean things get you? Do you REALLY want to hurt the person you love? Even in your most upset, can’t you recognize that you still love him?

Try taking a deep breath. REMEMBER why you love him. Know that you can’t unsay the things you’ve said, and he’ll remember forever. Tell him how you feel instead of accusing him (i.e. “It makes me feel like you don’t care about me when you stay out late” vs. “You’re a selfish asshole”). You might be really surprised that my way works better. If he is used to you freaking out and sayig things you don’t mean, he probably just tunes you out and waits for it to blow over. If you force him to hear your feelings and talk about them, he might be more willing to talk about what he’s done that has upset you and try harder in the future.

Post # 4
960 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I hope she doesn’t take offense to this, but have you followed Mrs. Cheese at all? I would advise you to not only read her posts here, but go through her personal blog.


She is *so good* at talking about conflict and conflict resolution.

Post # 5
2066 posts
Buzzing bee

Honestly, I don’t know you but I’m a little concerned reading this.  Threatening to call off your engagement is very serious.  You aren’t fighting fair by saying things you don’t mean just to get a rise out of your Fiance.  Have you tried to figure out what is making you so angry?  

Are you doing pre-marital counseling?  If so, you should discuss this in counseling and you need to talk to Fiance about this.

Post # 6
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

  Mr. S tends to stay pretty calm too or sometimes I feel like he is ignoring the problem and just trying to pacify me. We used to (before we were engaged) have horrible fights where I would get very frustrated & threatened to leave him a few times (they were pretty serious fights not just your every day “you didn’t take out the trash” fights). Luckily he knows better and is great at helping me explain my feelings and calm back down. Now I am able to tell him “I am getting angry, I feel like you aren’t listening to me” and he knows that means to listen and not interrupt or try to make me feel better till I get it all out.

Post # 7
521 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

That’s not healthy for a relationship.  At all.  If a bee were on here asking for advice, I’d tell her to run.  Screaming.  I think that you two should seek relationship counseling so you can learn to fight fair.

Post # 8
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Hey Moonpie,

You’ve recognized a problem, which is a HUGE step in the right direction. I read your post with a sinking heart, because it reminded me so so so much of my ex-FI and me. My counselor at the time called it “Manipulative Emotional Abuse” – I have no idea if that’s a technical term, or just a descriptive one, but it really hits the nail on the head as far as I’m concerned.

Over-reacting in an attempt to get a ‘rise’ out of your Fiance is counter productive and incredibly unhealthy. It’s also ineffective, as he gets more and more attuned to your threats and over reactions, and thus reacts less and less himself. It’s a cycle that’s just going to intensify and make you MORE angry, reactionary and emotionally manipulative in the future if you don’t fix it. At least, it did for me.

I started out with what you’re describing – threats to leave him, in a misguided effort to make him act like a normal, emotional human being, instead of the too-cool automon I felt like he was being. It felt like he was not being real with me, which I let push me to it, instead of talking to him about my feelings. It also felt really belittling when he would sit there and be all ‘patient’ (i.e. demeaning) while I was mad, or crying, or whatever else. For a really ‘sensitive guy’ he had a real lack of emotion at times, haha.

For me, I let it escalate even further and MORE out of control. I started yelling at him in public, blatantly mocking him in front of our friends or his sister and BIL (never his parents though, although his mom and I would regularly trash talk him when he wasn’t around… messed. up. relationship. hah), accusing him of cheating on me (or wanting to), threatening to have lesbian affairs, leaving emails from an ex who I am still friends with open on his computer (he’s the jealous type)… I think you get the drift.

It was FAR from healthy.

Aside from the fact that our relationship was also riddled with him sexually, financially and emotionally abusing me (and actually cheating on me, twice; ironically I was right one of the times I accused him), if I could do it over again, I would handle things VERY differently.

I would advise several things:

0) be honest with yourself. Is there truth to your claims? DO you not want to marry him? Because it’s not too late to get out if so.

1) don’t get married until you and your Fiance can communicate in a healthy way. Seriously. It seems harsh, BUT it will give you both strong incentive to learn to communicate. As a difficult task, it’s too easy to put it off. I’m not saying be perfect, but you DO need to see growth before it’s okay to move forward in your relationship, In My Humble Opinion.

2) see a counselor, together, and separately! what I see you describing is the beginnings of emotional abuse, and while no one likes to admit they’re abusing someone they love, well… professional help can really help. a lot.

3) Figure yourself out. Sit down alone and look back on the several most recent or most serious fights you’ve had where you’ve seen this behavior in yourself. Try to pin point where you ‘snapped’ and what (specifically) you were reacting to. His tone of voice? The fact that he didn’t make eye contact and seemed to be dismissing your emotions? His too-cool attitude? be as specific as you can, and take breaks if you find yourself getting upset again. Don’t drink while you do this hehe.

4) TALK TO HIM. Tell him what bugs you about your communication styles, and why you see them conflict. Again, take breaks if you find yourself getting upset. It’s CRUCIAL that you have this conversation like a rational individual, because he might not understand the significance of it if you can’t. Tell him from the start, “If I get upset when we’re talking, we’ll just have to take a break and then start in again, because it’s important to me that I’m able to clearly state what upsets me, so we can work through it.

He may need time to absorb what you’re telling him, depending on how he is. If so, give it to him, but schedule a time to talk about this specifically again later. Give yourselves plenty of time without too many unwanted interruptions.

5) Find a way to work through it together, whether that means time out cards (a non-emotional way to signal you need a break from an argument), a vent journal (where you write your emotional thoughts down to get them out, then move on, coming back later to see if there was any truth to it), teaching him to ask better questions (and teaching you to be more explicit) in order to understand each other better, whatever you find that works for you.

Good luck! I hope your relationship ends better than mine with my ex did!

Post # 9
2030 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

One of the ground rules we made for our marriage is that we promised we would never ever say bad things about our marriage, like “I wish we’d never gotten married” or “I’ll divorce you if you do that”. My parents said mean things like that all the time and it was really stressful to me as a kid because I was always waiting for them to follow through with their threats. If you are planning to have kids, I would recommend striking that kind of language. It’s scary to kids! It’s probably scary to your Fiance as well.

Post # 10
137 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I will be upfront and say I too have this issue. It is one I have worked on all of my life and will be one that I continue to work on for the rest of my life. Am I happy to have to deal with this, hell no. Is this something that for me is exclusive to Fh, NO.

One thing that has helped me, and my FH is to call a halt while fighting. I will flat out say to him “ok I am at the point where I am going to say something mean that I don’t mean. I need to think about this and we can talk about this some more x hours later/tomorrow.” Then I walk away. I may leave the room, or I may leave our apartment.

We sat down at a calm point (after we had had a knock down drag out fight and this had happened) and this was what we as a couple decided to do to keep things under control. Since this is a agreed upon thing it is not like I am just walking away from him without reason so his feelings are not hurt by my leaving. I do have to state before I walk away how long I am going to think about whatever we are fighting about and tell him when we will talk about it again before I leave the room. There have been times were I have not been ready to talk about whatever we were arguing about and at that point I will either tell him I need more time or that I am still very angry and I will talk, but I may need to stop again if we hit the point.

A thought though…if you are reacting due to his non-reaction, maybe that needs to be more of the focus of your calm/ haven’t already been fighting talk. IE: “I sometimes feel like your non-reaction/calmness to what I am saying causes me to I feel the need to say something that will make you react. Because of this I will say hurtful things, threaten to call of our engagement/leave you to try and get some sort of reaction out of you. I would like your help in trying to stop this from happening in future fights by coming up with a way for you to know this is what I am thinking when it is happening.” Then you need to find a way of communicating that trigger when you are at that point in the fighting. Both of you need to decided on something that is a way for both of you to remember why you need to stop and be genuine/calm down/whatever you need to change your fight to a talk. You may need to do as I do and walk away, or maybe the fact that you have made it known to him that that is how you are feeling at the moment is enough to keep it from happening.

I wish you luck in dealing with this and argee with the others that this is something that must be delt with or will ruin you relationship.

Post # 11
404 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Fiance and I used to have this problem.  I agree that learning to fight fair is a SKILL and you really have to work at it.  I have the reverse problem, where Fiance will sometimes tell me ‘why do you even want to marry me then’ when I tell him the least thing, like ‘I wish you would pick up after yourself’, which I counter with ‘because normally youre a mature, rational person’. 

The advice to just stop the fight in its tracks is such good advice.  Even if you can’t get him to stop, you should definitely take a breather yourself, just count backwards from your age and you’ll find that by the time you get to 0 you may have formulated a better, more articulte resonse than ‘I don’t want to marry you anymore’. 

My best coping strategy?  Go to bed angry.  I know i know they say not to do it but if we fight at night, I will just say ‘I am going to bed, we can talk in the morning’.  Because if it’s still an issue in the morning you can talk about it when youre not as heated.  I have found that often, after sleeping on it, most big arguments were about nothing. 

Good luck.

Post # 12
1956 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Tannery Pond at the Darrow School

Hi Moonpie, I do this too! I am actually really relieved to hear about someone else in a similiar situation. There have been several instances where I have been so angry that I threatened to call off the wedding, which of course I don’t want to do.  But is so hard when you are livid and the boy is just sitting there calmly…I don’t really have much advice, unfortunately…But you are definitly not the only one out there who does that…

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