Post # 1
This is long – I’m sorry
As a bit of a background: My wedding is in september of 2014, so we’ve got plenty of time; but I’m enjoying the planning process, so I’m perhaps doing things way ahead of when I should be. I’m in my late 20s and I live in a city about 3 hours away from the rest of my immediate family. I don’t have a car, so for me taking trains it takes a little more than 5 hours to get home. I have one older sister who is married has 5 kids, with another 1 on the way, she and all of her kids are going to be in the wedding party. So far I’ve agreed to have the wedding in the place where I grew up, even though FI and I don’t live there, and all of FIs family and our friends will need to travel to get there. I’ve taken my mom and dad to go look at venues and wound up choosing their top pick for venue/caterer. I took my sister with me to go to the photographer. Overall, I’m trying to be as inclusive as possible of people when it comes to wedding planning, because I know they want to be included – but I am having difficulty with including them in everything because I live so far away and there are some things I want to do without traveling for 10 hours round trip. I also don’t want to ask them to be too involved because I realize they have day-to-day responsibilities like having a lot of kids that makes it difficult to help too much with planning a wedding. Our wedding party is also a little different because it is 6 girls (2 for me, 4 for FI) and 1 guy (for FI) and 2 little girls (1 for me, 1 for FI) and 4 little boys (all for me) and everyone is spread out all across the country. The only one who lives near where I live now is one of FIs girl friends.
So the groomswoman that lives closest to me offered to go dress shopping with me to pick out colors (I will be letting each woman pick out her own style of dress) and GW and I tentatively picked out a color, fabric and length – she then went above and beyond and took pictures of me or her in each of the possible dresses and put together a whole presentation that recommends what dress might go well with what body type – what the dresses look like in the chosen color etc. It’s really awesome. While we were there I saw a really cool new wedding dress that had just come in, maybe a few months ago? I tried it on and she took some pictures and it looked pretty great (though having second thoughts on that now anyway).
I was so excited and happy that I called my mom to tell her all of this and emailed her a few pictures and the presentation that GW made. I requested that the next time I come home, even though we have a lot planned (my engagement party) we make some time for a quick appt. at david’s bridal so I can show her and my sister the dress that I like. Not get it yet, just get their opinions.
Well I just got a few angry text messages from my sister that basically, how dare I go dress shopping without her and my mom. I explained that it wasn’t really intended to be dress shopping, just figuring some things out for bridesmaids and groomswomen and I happened to try on one dress that I thought looked cool. I’d show her the dress the next time I came home. Then she sent me an even angrier text that how dare I go bridesmaids dress shopping without her, that family needs to be above friends and I’m completely thoughtless.
I screwed up big time. Obviously I need to make sure I include my mom and sister in all planning here on out – but is there a way to smooth over this mistake?
Post # 3
@sweet5k: You didn’t make a mistake, so there is no reason to try and avoid anything in the future. You have included them up until this point, and you have continued to include them , think of them, travel to them when you can and overall be very inclusive/thoughtful. I would let your sister know ASAP that you don’t appreciate a barrage of angry texts over something so asinine and that you would expect a mother of ( almost) 5 to start acting like a mature adult as opposed to her 2 year old. But that’s just me….
Don’t apologize. Enjoy planning and enjoy the time spent with BOTH family and friends.
Post # 4
They can get over it. This is your wedding. We aren’t really including anyone in our planning process because they don’t need to be.
Post # 5
@sweet5k: No, you don’t need to include your Mom and sister in all planning. I can understand your Mom being hurt by not being with you the first time you tried on a wedding dress, but that is no excuse for your sister to dump all over you.
I would nip this attitude in the bud before you set a pattern for the whole period of planning your wedding.
” I am sorry your feelings are hurt. As I have explained, it was a spur of the moment decision for me to try on the wedding dress. It is not going to be possible for me to wait till I am home for any and all decision- making regarding the wedding. I would prefer to go shopping with my Mom and sisters .I will include you whenever possible.
I appreciate all the work that ____ did prepaing the package with ideas for dresses. I am hoping that you can understand that one shopping trip with the Groomswoman does not negate the feelings I have for my family.”
Post # 6
You didn’t screw up. You are already including them way more than I did for my wedding.
Post # 7
You are such a nice, beautiful, amazing and kind person for even asking how to rectify that which I don’t even think is terribly wrong. I’d apologize to my mom just in case I hurt her feelings but I’d tell my sister to kiss my a$$.
Post # 8
@sweet5k: Your mom and sisters are crazy, it was not an intentional snub. Ugh I hate talking about my first wedding but this applies. Like you I have 2 sisters and I was going to go dress shopping with my mom and sisters at some point….I lived 2 hours away and like you do not drive. Well, one of my bms went out with me one day to casually browse that is it thats all. Tried on 3 dresses and one was so reduced in price because it was the end of summer and the store needed to make room for new stock. On top of being a steal price wise, it fit perfectly and would practically require nothing in the way of alterations. So I went back home sad b/c I did not buy the dress, my mom flipped when I bought my prom dress without her so I wasn’t talking a chance. THe same day I called her and told her about the dress and she said well I am not driving 2 hours today. I told her the price and started to describe it she cut me off and said “it’s a mermaid style is it?”, I told her no and she said “ok then go buy it”.
I would have expected her to freak even though I hadn’t intended to find “the dress” and you expected they’d understand. Point is you never can tell with family and weddings make people super crazy. Give them a chance to calm down and again explain this was not intended slight.
Congrats on the dress!!!
Post # 9
Ugh, why does family get nuts when it comes to weddings?! We included our family/friends as little as possible because that just created more headaches for me because then I have to pay attention to their opinions and hear them go on about how much work it all is. No thanks.
Frankly, it’s your wedding and you seem to be doing tons to include them already! They don’t have to be around for every decision.
Post # 10
You didn’t screw up and your sister is being a bitch. End of story.
You don’t need to fix this and you don’t need to include them in all planning. They need to realise that you’ve done a nice thing by having the wedding in the place that’s most convenient for them, and stop bitching.
Post # 11
@Mrs_Amanda: “You didn’t make a mistake, so there is no reason to try and avoid anything in the future. You have included them up until this point, and you have continued to include them , think of them, travel to them when you can and overall be very inclusive/thoughtful. I would let your sister know ASAP that you don’t appreciate a barrage of angry texts over something so asinine and that you would expect a mother of ( almost) 5 to start acting like a mature adult as opposed to her 2 year old. But that’s just me….
Don’t apologize. Enjoy planning and enjoy the time spent with BOTH family and friends.“
OP, follow this advice. Seriously.
Post # 12
@sweet5k: Here is how I see this: you are one lucky duck to have a family that loves you so much and wants to be so involved. The downside of this type of family (I come from the same) is that sometimes it’s kind of high maintenance to keep everyone involved.
Here’s what I’d do: call them and let them know that your sorry, that you didn’t mean to exclude them. Talk to them about what things they want to make sure to be included in, and tell them how much you love them and appreciate their excitement about being involved.
I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, but I also think that their hurt feelings come from a place of love. Mend it up and I’m sure everything will be fine.
Post # 14
If you feel the need to apologise, then do it. Otherwise, don’t. You have a family who wants to help you with every step of the way, and that’s fantastic. Don’t feel obligated to have them help you plan just because they want to. If you want them to help you with everything, great. If not, they need to accept that. You’re doing great! You didn’t do anything wrong, trust me 🙂