(Closed) I secretly invited my Mom to the wedding

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
5183 posts
Bee Keeper

I know its your wedding and a lot of people are going to basically tell you to tell FH and sis to put on big girl panties.. but given the situation (sad as it is), you kind of chose to upset your sister and not respect the wishes of your FH (even though he prob just doesnt want you to have contact with her bc he is trying to protect you..and kinda has no right to tell you who you can and cant talk to). So my advice to you is to put on your big girl panties and tell them now, this way.. your sister can chose to not come to your wedding or handle it how she wants to. 

Post # 4
Member
1429 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@MarryMeTiffany: Wow! I could really talk with you.

I don’t have any advise but I think I know how you feel.

I haven’t spoken with my mother or step father for years but I secretly long for her to be at my wedding. I absolutley do not want my step father there and I know he would show up if I invited her. 

Good luck with everything and let us know how it all works out.

Post # 5
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I’d be prepared for your sister not to come to your wedding.  If I was in her shoes, I don’t think I’d want to be there. 

Post # 6
Member
3482 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

Tell your sister right away so she has a chance to process this and decide what she wants to do. It’s not fair to blindside her with it right before the wedding.

Tell your FH straight away as well, it’s his wedding too and he has a right to know who’s coming.

Explain to them both that you’ve thought about this carefully, and despite everything you’ve been through with her, you feel you would have always regretted not inviting your mother.

Post # 7
Member
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Just tell them. And be ready with a game plan to keep them separated, like tables on opposite sides of the room. Your sister can choose not to have her at her own wedding, but she can’t choose for you.  If at some point you and your mother are able to get a better relationship going, you would feel awful for not including her, and you can’t have that on your conscience. 

Nothing could make me miss my sister’s wedding. I’d be there to support her no matter who else would be there, and I’m sure ultimately your sister will feel the same. 

Post # 8
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

@JerseyGirlLaur: I feel like things function a little differently when there’s an abusive parent in the mix. 

Post # 9
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@bookworm88: Each situation is different though.  FI’s father was abusive (FMIL left when he started in on the kids) but we’ve still chosen to invite him.  We’re just going to take steps to put them on opposite sides of the reception and different rows at the ceremony.  I’m also going to keep an eye on my nephew that weekend to make sure he’s not left alone with him (not that it’s likely to happen or that he does things in public, oh never, but better to be safe).  For our engagement party, we encouraged Future Mother-In-Law to bring one of her sisters (she did), alerted the hosts to the situation and they+us+my parents made sure that she was never left alone (and it was at a house where she could exit a room through a diff door than Future Mother-In-Law & FSMIL entered by).

I think you should tell them right away and explain what you told us. 

Post # 10
Member
2289 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

You need to tell both your Fiance and your sister now. You had the right to invite your mother, but your sister has the right to decide not to be anywhere near her abusive mother. Best not to make her decide the night before the wedding and put her on the spot.

Post # 11
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

You need to just own up to what you did and why. There is no hiding why.

I have a non-existant father who I just started talking to righ before the wedding. I didnt invite him because of pressure from my mom.

He now doesnt speak to me at all. I am sure its because he wasnt invited to the wedding. Do I regret it some? sure, but I dont regret maintaining the fabulous relationship I have with my mom and step-dad. It wasnt worth it. It, unfortunately, was a no win situation If I had invited him I didnt expect my mom to understand or my siblings who have not spoken with him.

You made your choice and you need to deal with the fall out. Your fiances and sister may not be understanding, but you knew that and took the risk.

Post # 12
Member
2247 posts
Buzzing bee

I really feel like you shouldn’t have gone against your Fiance and sister’s wishes.  No, it’s not your sister’s wedding, but it IS your FI’s.  How do you think your sister is going to feel facing her abuser, who is potentially still gonna be abusive to her?  I wouldn’t go to your wedding, if I were her.  I’d trust my sister to put me and my mental health on her list of top priorities (if she, too, had been abused by and didn’t communicate with our mother) and I’d be blindsided if she chose to invite her anyway, if that was the case.  In a family that has dealt with abuse, there is always one person who somehow feels guilt when it comes to their abuser.  You felt guilt over not inviting your mother, so you invited her against your future husband and sister’s wishes. 

There is nothing you can do now but to inform your Fiance and sister of what you did so that they can prepare themselves to be around her at the wedding.

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