(Closed) I sent someone a STD, and now I don’t want them there…

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
7300 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Just send him an invite. It sounds like he would RSVP no anyway.
Or you can tell him that even though he got a STD, you have since decided to scale down your wedding to close family members and what not and that you will try to hang out some other time.

Post # 3
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I would just be the bigger person and invite him. Even if you’ve already come to terms with the fact that the friendship really is no longer there, it still says a lot about you to make the gesture.

Post # 4
Member
1843 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think you should still invite him, give him the plus one (since you said you would) and chances are, he won’t come.  How long ago did you send the STD’s out?  Unless it was well over a year ago, I think you’re stuck.

Post # 5
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Sounds like you’ve been drifting apart for a while, so you probably should have known not to send STD in the first place.  Because you did, I’d send the invite (but not the plus one).

ETA: Missed that you promised the plus one.  Call him up to let him know you are so sorry but you can’t do that anymore asap.

Post # 6
Member
332 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I’d still invite him. He’ll probably say no, but it would be kind of rude to take back an invite.

Post # 7
Member
46332 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think you knew most of  that when you sent the STD so really not much has changed since then.

Send the invitation.

Post # 8
Member
584 posts
Busy bee

Etiquette says…send it anyway. Who knows, maybe you guys will make up at some point, some day.

Post # 9
Member
1326 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Tre Bella, Mesa, AZ

Personally, I’d probably still send it but not give him the +1. The only person we sent a STD to that we’re not sending the invite to is the abusive ex of one of our dearest friends. I have a few drifters I sent Save-The-Date Cards to who I’m still inviting, and I’m fine paying for their seat if they do come (but not some random they bring with them).

Post # 11
Member
13099 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I agree with the PPs – still send the invite.  It sounds like he is unlikely to actually come anyway but you’ll still look like the bigger person who did the right thing.

Post # 12
Member
593 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I guess I’ll go against the grain.  If you don’t want someone at your wedding, DON’T invite them.  Screw etiquette.  Save the dates go out pretty far in advance and a lot of stuff can go down in the mean time.  Would you rather he RSVP’d yes for two or even just one and then have him not show up and you’re stuck with his plate?  And since you are questioning whether to invite this person to begin with, what difference does it make if you decide not to?  If this person is not important enough to invite, their opinion of you after the fact shouldn’t mean anything to you.  I can’t stand when I see people waivering on etiquette rules instead of doing what’s right for them.  The only people at your wedding should be people you WANT there.

Post # 13
Member
247 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Talk to him about it.

I know, novel concept. Ask him if he feels like this friendship is something he wants to put in the effort to maintain. Tell him you’d like to know whether he still considers you a friend. Ask him whether he really wants to be invited to your wedding.

Ask him if he would invite you to his own wedding.

Friendships just sort of fall apart sometimes. It’s normal. And talking about it isn’t always required. But in this case, if he straight up says, “No, I don’t think we are really friends anymore,” you can save that invite with a clear conscience.

Post # 14
Member
4511 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I don’t really think you have a legit reason for uninviting him, since it doesn’t sound like anything’s changed from when you sent him the STD till now . . . just invite him!

Post # 15
Member
55 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’m with Tracylesq.  Too many people are worried about etiquette and being so gentle as to not offend.  What about you?  If you don’t want someone there, don’t invite them!  The idea of “he’ll probably RSVP no anyway” doesn’t fly.  Why waste a good invite you’ve spent time and money on to send to someone you don’t want there who will say no anyway?  Send it to someone you want who you know will show up. 

I’m in your same situation.  I’ve known someone since we were 12.  We’ve been in and out of one another’s lives since after high school.  We reunited, again, over a year ago.  When I told her I was getting married she insisted she be invited.  Pressured, I sent her the STD, then regretted it.  I should have been up front to begin with.  We are having a very small wedding.  I’d rather someone closer to me take her seat.  Plus, she lives in another state and really can’t afford to come out, so she’d “probably RSVP no anyway”.  So I didn’t send her the invite and I’m not going to feel bad about it. 

You have a legit reason to not invite him.  Seems more like you didn’t have a legit reason to invite him. 

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