(Closed) I seriously feel like I’m going to throw up–FMIL Drama

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Wow.  I’m so sorry.  Yikes.  I wish I had some advice to offer!  I hope that you and your fiance can work together to support each other through this.  She sounds just a wee bit crazy.

Post # 4
Member
851 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I am sorry your going through this 🙁 she needs to learn to deal with her feelings and no its not at all your fault. Things will probably get better with time though 🙂

*hugs*

Post # 5
Member
5654 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

(((hugs))) I totally understand your troubles..

I STILL have issues with my Mother-In-Law accepting me as she pulled the same thing about “losing her son” <— who really had become her emotional crutch when she couldn’t hold a healthy marriage/dating relationship.

My mom even tried talking to my Mother-In-Law about it on our wedding day telling her that she hoped that she would be able to accept and love me like my mom loves her son. Her response was… “yea…… but I don’t ever see them” My mom simple told her that she doesn’t love my Darling Husband b/c she sees him she loves him b/c I love him… (I love my mom)

I’ve seen this SOO often where I live.. that mothers stand connected to their sons and then when it’s time for them to move out, go to college, be an adult, or get married they freak and start guilt trips, blackmail, and extortion.

I think you’ve done more than your part in trying to reconcile with her and from here on out it needs to be dealt with by you Fiance.. atleast until after the I Do’s.

Sorry you’re in this boat… truly am. Just stand firm with your soon to be husband and know that weddings tend to just get things like this stirred. =/ ((hugs))

Post # 6
Member
2691 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

This is something that unfortunately you can not fix. She has to deal with the aspect of “losing him” (or however she wants to put it) and it’s nothing that you can do.

You are handling this splendidly and just keep your head up and keep doing what you are trying to do. Hopefully she will come around and you will have that amazing extended family you want.

Post # 7
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

You know, she really needs to accept the fact that it’s not all about her anymore.

Post # 8
Member
1325 posts
Bumble bee

I’m very sorry you have to deal with a crazy Mother-In-Law. They seem to be supplied in excess these days. 

My advice? Both you and your Fiance stop bending over backwards to make this woman feel loved/needed or whatever. Quite often, not all of the time, the Mother-In-Law doesn’t really have a reason to feel like this. Yes the feelings are natural about losing a son, but many times the Mother-In-Law is NOT being neglected and is being shown lots of love and kindness from the DIL. (Can you tell I’ve just about had it with my FMIL? lol)

What I’m saying is that, like myself, often times as the DIL you can do everything possible to ensure this woman knows she’s still loved and wanted and they just wont have anything to do with it! They will just refuse to see the efforts being made and choose to focus on themselves and lack of attention.

Your Fiance should NOT be trying to contact her everyday for a week basically begging her to tell him what’s wrong and how you guys are horrible to her. lol Does that makes sense? Why is he going out of his way to get his own scolding while she sits there and plays the “I’m going to wait to talk to you so you KNOW I’m mad!” game?

All this aside, perhaps evaluate if she has legitimate reasons to be upset, which it sounds like she doesn’t,  but I don’t have the whole story. Do this for the sake of fairness and so you know that you did what you could.

Post # 9
Member
5654 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

I do have to agree with @Tunacupcakes Darling Husband and I are pretty much in the place now that his mother can think or feel however she wants and we don’t pay too much mind about it… in fact what happended at our wedding we just found out about this last week… and no we aren’t approaching her about it.

It sounds like your Fiance as go over and beyond to try and make her feel apart of everything and well she still isn’t happy.

Let her be and you and your Fiance just stand your ground… still doing the right thing but not over-extended yourselves to try and appease her.

Post # 10
Member
2204 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Omg, I could have written this post.

I’m going through the same thing with my Future Mother-In-Law….the emotional guilt trips (every freakin day), the “losing my son” syndrome, feeling left out, saying we’re not including her… I could go on for days.

Fiance and I finally got to a point that we need to do what makes us happy and when she starts behaving this way, we just stop communicating. Every time we’ve tried to console her or listen or offer advice, it just makes the problem bigger. She didn’t want to hear a solution, she just wanted the attention we were giving her.

But it’s unhealthy attention.

I dont have any great advice besides you and your Fiance need to be on the same page, and don’t give in to her guilt trips.

Post # 11
Member
1636 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

It sounds like she’s long overdue for therapy, and I don’t mean that in a snarky way (well, not completely).  You can’t expect your son to be your surrogate husband.

 

Post # 12
Member
186 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.  I’ve had my share of Future Mother-In-Law drama and I think we should all swear that we are NOT going to act like this if/when we have sons who are about to marry.

Post # 13
Member
1325 posts
Bumble bee

@PrincessBrideSuzy: I think that is a good oath to take! Funny thing is…most of our Mother-In-Law had their issues with their mother in laws! Mine has always complained about how her in laws never made her feel welcome blah blah blah. She didn’t learn from it though and she ended up acting the same way to me, but worse! lol

Post # 14
Member
2204 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@PrincessBrideSuzy: YES…I feel like writing a letter to my future self to remind me what I went through with my Future Mother-In-Law.

 

My Future Mother-In-Law and her Mother-In-Law had a very strained relationship and sometimes I just want to scream “You’re acting just like her!!!”

Post # 15
Member
2204 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@Tunacupcakes: haha we wrote practically the same thing at the same time

Post # 16
Member
5654 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

@PrincessBrideSuzy @PinkPinstripes & @Tunacupcakes

VOW: I will NEVER be like that with my son…. EVER EVER!

I know, want, and expect for my son to grow up and have his own family. I’ve already had thoughts since having our wedding about being exicted for that day for him.

^try and think about this at some point through your day… Maybe while your father/daughter dance or some other time where you’re so glad your parents & loved ones are there….. <— keep this thought b/c I think it will help develop in us to be that awesome Mother-In-Law one excited about our children starting the endeavors that we’ve cherished so much.

I love how my mom and dad have totally accepted and loved my Darling Husband and that’s definitely how I want to be about it =)

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