(Closed) I should be standing in your wedding

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
5889 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

1) you do not confront her.  choosing bridesmaids is super stressful and she may have had a long list of potentials and may have thought that you would be more understanding than some of the others.i can tell you as someone who is putting off choosing bridesmaids for as long as possible, if you aren’t chosen, it doesn’t mean you are loved any less.  honestly, this whole thing becomes so political, she may not even be choosing the people she wants, unfortunately.

2) i think it would be very hurtful and (dare i say it, childfish) to not go to the wedding over this.  it sounds like she needs your support more than ever right now, and that support should be UNCONDITIONAL, not based on the condition of being a bridesmaid.

sorry if this sounds harsh, but i think it is easy to get caught up in the pomp and circumstance of all of this sometimes, and we need to remember when it comes down to it, this whole celebration is about love, not tit for tat.

Post # 4
5117 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Hm. That’s difficult. I’m very non-confrontational, so I probably wouldn’t say anything, and I’d go to the wedding but I’d be of very little service anymore. If she asks why I’m a bit more distant, then I’d just tell her I was hurt by her choice and that I needed a little break period from her wedding. She may have reasons you’re not aware of for picking who she did. I have 6, but I’d originally planned for 3, and that means I would have had 3 girls in your shoes had Mr.ND not really wanted 6 attendants.

If you feel like you want to talk to her about it, I’d suggest not going in to confront her, but take her out for coffee, explain that you’re feeling hurt, and let her know you want to step back on helping out with the wedding now that she’s got her maids there to help. I would try to keep this friendship, though, since you sound so close, and skipping the wedding is not going to help that. 

Post # 5
1398 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Absolutely go to the wedding.  She may not have asked you for a number of reasons.  Maybe she’s only having single friends, maybe she knows weddings are expensive, and since you’re having your own, she doesn’t want to further burden you.  You can’t get angry at her for her choice because it is just that: her choice. 

Post # 6
6891 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

The easy question first – yes, you go to the wedding. I agree with Ms. Meowerson that I think it would be really rude and selfish to not attend. It’s not about that – it’s her WEDDING DAY.

However, I do think you should say something but not “WHY AM I NOT A BM?” I would be tactful. Just ask her if she’s chosen her BMs. If she says yes, let it go. Maybe she wanted to ask you in person or something, maybe she only chose a few, there are so many “maybe’s” involved with this type of decision. I understand that you’re hurt (which is why I think biting your tongue would be a bad idea) but don’t make it a bigger deal than it is.

Post # 8
5889 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

View original reply
@katelynk: ok well not knowing them very long changes things a bit, but would things have been better if she had told you in person?  (this is a bit of a selfish question as i don’t know how to handle this myself)

Post # 10
2156 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Maybe she has another role intended for you, such as to act as a surrogate mother of the bride since her mom passed away and you two are so close? 

But if that is not the case, I actually disagree with the other comments saying do not confront. I wouldn’t confront her per se, but I do think I would have a discussion about it with her and how it made you feel. I understand that choosing bridesmaids is stressful, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have a right to be hurt that you were not chosen, and to at least have an explanation. Just because you are a bride does not give you carte blanche to hurt people’s feelings who have been there for you and supported you. I would wait until your hurt and anger has subsided, and just take her aside, and say you do not agree with her decision, but you support her regardless, but you would just like to know why.

As to whether or not to attend the wedding, I probably would unless you are prepared to end your close relationship with her. I think if you chose not to go you might regret it later. Although, I would probably not continue to offer the type of help that a bridesmaid would usually provide, such as help planning the wedding, shopping for dresses, etc…

Post # 12
6659 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I think you are totally justified in feeling hurt and taken aback by this and it would be totally appropriate to show her that through your actions. But I think not attending the wedding is a little too extreme as you don’t want to cause a permanent rift which that would do. And there is unfortunatley no good way to confront someone about this, it’s awkward and I guarantee you won’t ever get a straight answer or explanation so it’s kind of pointless. I think the way you should approach it is by totally pulling back on your friendship with her. Don’t contact her at all, but be cordial in response when she reaches out to you. Stop all help with the wedding planning since honestly it would be kind of an insult to ask you to continue to chip in the way you have been and not give you the honor of standing. Feel justified in those actions, but don’t take it any further. Hopefully with time she will realize why not asking you was wrong and feel bad about upsetting you. 

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