- 8 years ago
I know people usually go anonymous for things like this, but I thought I might get more advice if I was completely open and honest about my relationship and my identity.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years. When we first started dating, it was amazing. Definitely the puppy love stage, but I loved it. He kept saying that I was out of his league, and how did he ever get a girl like me? He’d invite me to his apartment to hang out with people, go out for cocktails with his friends, go to the beach, all the fun stuff that couples do together. It was pretty awesome.
Then about a year into our relationship, we did an 8 month LDR. That was tough. We had a really hard time communicating, especially since we both are not phone people. But we actively worked on communication, and it got a lot better. We started planning our wedding (his idea!) He bought a ring in December (while visiting family, 8 hours away.) He was planning to propose on Christmas. On the drive home alone, he started freaking out. He decided that he was too young to get married, and he wanted to wait. But he knew I was the girl he wanted to marry. Which was fine with me, I don’t think marriage should be rushed into at all.
Then everything started falling apart. Rapidly.
He’s been a lot more critical lately. I’m not overweight, but I have put on about 10 pounds since we started dating. I’m about a size 4-6, but not really toned. He started making pointed remarks about it, asking me to go to the gym, commenting on what I eat. Making remarks about how he’s attracted to super toned, fit body types.
So I recently started going to the gym 5 days a week, and cutting calories, and he still has stuff to say about it. I’m not doing it right; I’m eating the wrong types of foods, etc. He just hasn’t been very encouraging. He makes me feel unattractive. He used to be super touchy feely and now I pretty much have to initiate all physical contact. He also jokes about going to the beach this summer that I have to be “worthy” of being his arm candy. I know he’s joking, but it really hurts.
He also never invites me to do anything with his friends anymore. His roommates are throwing a Superbowl party, and I’m not invited. They also threw a Christmas party, and he also didn’t ask me to come. It’s not like these are “bros” nights, the roommates invite girls over all the time. I almost feel like he’s ashamed of me.
He is also “concerned” that I don’t have a plan after college. I graduate this semester, he graduates next. I’ve always known that since he’s going to have the high paying, but limited location job (Aerospace Engineer), that we would move wherever he gets a job. I started my own business from home about a year ago, so I’ve been working on that while I finish college. It’s doing well, but it’s definitely not a sure thing. If it works out, fabulous… If it doesn’t work out, I’m open to get a normal 9-5 job somewhere. But he calls me unambitious, and he “worries” about me not doing anything with my life.
He also lectures me ALL THE TIME. On my money, on my business, on what I say, etc. Recently, I accidently did something to offend his mother. I made a cake for his grandpa (FMIL asked me to, and paid for materials) and when we cut the cake, I threw away the fondant decorations I made. (Because that’s what you do!) She apparently wanted to save them and reuse them for future birthdays. She was LIVID, and he spent the entire night soothing his mother, telling her “She [me] had a stupid moment.” and “She just wasn’t thinking.” And then, he lectured me about how I should have asked, and that that wasn’t my place to throw those away, that I don’t think about the consequences of my actions. Basically, I ended up bawling, feeling completely horrible, while away from home, and having to still be with his family the whole next day. He not only did not stand up for me at all, he made me out to look like I was a complete idiot.
He tends to treat me like he knows better than me, that he’s smarter than me. It didn’t used to be like this. I think this all started with the engagement ring. I guess now he’s trying to figure out if I’m the one he wants spend the rest of his life with, or if we need to end it while we can. If my “flaws” are too much in our relationship.
We’ve discussed what changes need to be made ad nauseam in our relationship. It always ends up with me in tears, and him looking at me like, “Why are you crying? Suck it up.” I feel like I’m not good enough. I am trying SO HARD to keep my relationship together, but I feel like it’s falling apart.
He does acknowledge he’s overly critical. But he says he has super high expectations for himself, and if he can meet them, other people should also be able to also. He expects me to be thin and toned, he expects me to make a certain amount of money each year, he expects certain things out of the person he’s going to spend the rest of his life with. I know people have certain wants and desires, but does he expect too much of me?