(Closed) I should probably go anonymous for this but….

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 137
Member
42 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2013

You say that you discuss changes that need to be made “ad nauseam” … are these only changes that you need to make or are changes that he needs to make discussed as well?

 

I hate say this but I suspect that it would be in your best interest if you RUN AWAY.  I know this seems easier said than done, but take a good long look in the mirror, recognize your beauty and your intelligence and DECIDE that you are better than this.  You are better than him and you deserve better.  

Post # 138
Member
1156 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Your follow up post about you wanting to meet someone that thinks you are awesome made me so sad for you.I made the mistake of marrying the wrong guy and he ended up leaving me and our two babies. I am glad that he did,as I met my Fiance.Make a clean break,there is a man out there that will think you are awesome.Let him go and move on,there is someone better out there for you.

Post # 139
Member
2943 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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@padme:  I was thinking the same thing! The reaction to the fondant decoration incident was waaaaay over the top. That kind of behavior is just going to become more common and grow worse over time.

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@Paiger8:  Normally, I think it’s a good idea to do the serious conversation for a second chance, but honey I agree with everyone else’s comments and think you’re just delaying the inevitable. The guy’s a major pile of crap, and you’re worth so much more than that. Run fast, run long, run far. He will continue to get into your head and screw with your emotions. 

By The Way…I’m way overweight, out of work, and am kind of in a “can’t figure out what’s next” point in my life. My Fiance can’t keep his hands off of me, feels a kind of manly satisfaction about supporting us both, and is 100% supportive of my journey into finding myself and the  next steps. He also believes the sun shines out of my ass and that angels sing in perpetual celebration of my mere existence. Food for thought.

Post # 141
Member
2943 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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@Paiger8:  It is an awesome feeling. The beautiful thing is that I feel the same way about him. That kind of love is out there for you, too, and your current SO is not it.

Post # 142
Member
412 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

i hope you decide to leave him, this sounds toxic 🙁

Post # 144
Member
11231 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

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@Paiger8:  Oh hon, I totally get you on the crying easily thing. I become a blubbering mess. When it came time for me to break up with him, I started crying and then got SO angry with everything he’d put me through that I sat there and yelled at him for two hours.

You’re already in a good place being that you don’t live together. You need to meet him somewhere, NOT at your place, and say, “I’ve been really thinking about this, and our relationship isn’t working. I don’t like the way you treat me, and we need to break up.”

Post # 145
Member
3371 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Your post made me so sad, and so angry that you have to go through this. It’s amazing that so many of us have been in this same kind of soul-destroying relationship before. Reading your words is like reading a diary entry written by a 24-year-old-me. 

I met my ex-bf when I was 19, and he was 26. I was in the middle of law school, he was finishing off his PhD. Same story – brilliant mind, high-achieving family, high expectations from parents and self. His mother is a doctor and the head of a university, his father is an engineer, older sister is a professor at Oxford, younger sister in med school. 

We were SO in love for the first couple of years, but we fought like cats and dogs. In retrospect, I would never now put up with such a volatile relationship. It was clear that our personalities simply didn’t work together, despite being in love. Some of the most memorable fights include:

– his company’s annual retreat in Hawaii, where partners were also generously invited to. I hinted that I wanted to spend some time shopping at Ala Moana, and he went into a furious verbal assault saying that this was HIS trip and that he didn’t want to spend any time in a shopping centre. I ended up spending one day shopping on my own.

– on the first night we moved in together, he flew into a rage because I wanted to put eight sets of cutlery in the cutlery drawer (in case we had guests) and he thought we only needed four sets. He stormed off and left the house. 

– attacking me for not being fiscally responsible. At a cocktail party held by my work one year, a colleague mentioned that I’d bought a new dress for the occasion. He completely flew off the handle and started screaming at me in the car. From that point on, I started hiding any purchases from him.

– making comments about how slim I was when we met. I was borderline unhealthily thin when we met, and as one does during the course of university, a new relationship and growing out of one’s teens, put on about 5kg over the five years we were together. He also put on weight, which he blamed on me.

– not getting good enough grades at school. Now, despite apparently not being smart enough, I’d managed to into law school and my high school exam scores were in the top 99.95 percent of the country. I saw university as a chance to relax and enjoy being young and relatively unfettered. He didn’t see it this way and constantly pressured me on my grades. When I almost failed a subject (due to a misunderstanding, in the end – I passed) he gave me a lecture on “Look at the kind of person I am, the kind of family I’m from. Do you think I should be dating a person like you?”

– Then finally, when I graduated from law school and got a job in a top law firm, he began complaining that I wasn’t domestic enough. Even when I got home later than him, he always expected me to cook. And then would get angry that dinner wasn’t on the table at 6PM.

Basically, nothing was every right or good enough unless it was done HIS way. Don’t even get me started on navigating during road trips, or planning holidays. The backstory to all of that is that he was also miserable with his work, felt his profession wasn’t interesting enough (he was in IT) and channeled a lot of that frustration into me. At one stage, he decided he wanted to be a fighter pilot (at the age of 29). He embodied middle child syndrome to the max.

Anyway, I’m sorry for such a long rant but your story just made me so angry and took me back to that awful time I had with my ex. We broke up and got back together a handful of times, and then when we finally broke up for good – he had to break up with me, because I was so attached I couldn’t bring myself to leave him – I thought my world was going to end. I thought being with someone for five years and then NOT being with them, that moving out of the house we shared, that telling all our friends that we weren’t together anymore – that these things would surely destroy me. But you know what? It didn’t. It took me a few months, and lots of tears, but in the end I was better than fine. He ended up moving to the U.S., marrying a very simple girl with no particular career ambitions or smarts, but will always have dinner on the table at 6PM.

My Fiance isn’t perfect by any means, but he’s all the things that count. He’s sweet, he’s affectionate, he’s grateful for my strengths and is all-encompassing of my weaknesses. He says he is most thankful for being able to wake up next to me every morning (even when I’m grumpy). I’ve also put on weight since we met – about 5KG above my ideal weight. He’s happy to support my health kick and weight loss goals, but says he loves me with curves regardless. My ex may have been indeed right about many things – that I wasn’t financially responsible, that I should have studied harder, that I should have had a better work-life balance. But that’s what being in your 20s is all about – making mistakes and learning from them. Hell, that’s what being alive is all about. And you need to be with someone who can support you during that journey, rather than tripping you up at every step.

My only regret is that I spent five years with my ex. So cut your losses now, it’s never too late to start afresh. Better, happier things are waiting for you just around the corner. But you need a clean slate and time to recover first. Be strong girl! It will hurt like hell in the beginning but better a little pain now, and save yourself a lifetime of suffering.

Post # 146
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@Paiger8:  Kick him to the curb. That is all.

Post # 147
Member
2849 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

This guy sounds like a controlling douchebag! You need to leave him and find someone who likes you the way you are. 

Post # 148
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

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@Paiger8:   I saw the ring. It’s kinda killing me that some other girl might end up with it now…

Dear girl, you don’t want a ring from the wrong man.  No, you’re not perfect but he’s doing nothing to help you out.  Lecturing, belittling, and berating aren’t loving ways to support someone.  You deserve so much better and you deserve a ring from the right man.

Post # 149
Member
29 posts
Newbee

It shouldn’t kill you that another girl might end up with the ring.  You should feel sorry for her whoever she is, and RUN from this a$shole.

Also, his mother sounds pretty looney tunes.  She should have been thanking you for making her father a cake.  It shows that you care about them and want to be part of their family.  Instead they spit in your face. DAMNED IF YOU DO, DAMNED IF YOU DON’T!  You’re not married into the family, you had no obligation to do such a thing.  You are a good person that’s why you felt bad when she got upset, and your bf is a piece of $hit and preyed on that made you feel even worse so him and his mother can take control.  Please don’t feel bad. I promise you, soon enough you’ll be thinking to yourself, “what a sick i3itch to have such a dramatic reaction for me throwing away some fondant.” And you’ll laugh, but that’s only if you LEAVE.

F*k him and his psycho mother.  It’s better to be alone and have no ring than to be run ragged from mental abuse which will 99.9% eventually turn to physical abuse. 

You’re not crazy and there’s nothing wrong with you.  Your (ex)bf is the problem.  I gave back my 2 ct with pleasure.  I’m sure he’s keeping it for his next victim and I pity her whoever she is.

Post # 150
Member
190 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

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@Paiger8:  his excuse about the parties is just that, an excuse to hide the truth. If you can’t see through all the bull$hit this guy is feeding you please listen to all the ladies on here. Even better yet, ask people in your life if you’re comfortable talking about it with them. 

Emotional abuse is the worst kind because no one else can see it.  These guys at pro’s at hiding it in public and experts and dishing out in private.  After every thing you did for him that day and for others it ridiculous that you woshutter dumped on like that! 

Open your eyes sweetheart because you are way to good for this. You are young and you have your entire life ahead of you. You’ll eventually get a ring from a guy who deserves to give it to you and deserves for you to say yes.  I’m 35 and I didn’t meet my future husband until I was 33 and he was 42. He is the man of my dreams and I’m glad I didn’t settle when I was younger. 

When you break up its going to be hard.  Write down points of everything you’ve told us. Everything you’ve been holding in. Tell him to sit and listen. Tell him he can’t say a word until you’re done. Then tell him it’s lover, there is nothing he can say to change that. Make sure you have a friend on standby because you’re goi g to need a shoulder to lean on. 

 

Good luck

Post # 151
Member
3339 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

Yes, he expects too much.  Sh** happens in life.  You may lose your job one day and make less money than he expects of you.  What is he going to do about it?  Divorce you?  These are huge red flags and I urge you not to ignore them.  I know this is a hard, emotional situation, but take a step back and ask yourself what YOU want and expect from your partner.  If he’s unable and unwilling to give you want you need, then I think it’s time to cut ties and move on.  I’m so sorry he’s being such an insensitive jerk.  You deserve better!

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