(Closed) I should probably go anonymous for this but….

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
2912 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

@Paiger8:  Honey, I am saying this with so much compassion and love: it has nothing to do with you or his expectations, it has to do with the fact that this is abusive behavior. I was going to suggest that you sit him down ONCE and tell him that these things that he is doing (have a list, provide specific examples) are causing you to feel X, Y and Z — but I can’t even do that, because I believe 100% that he knows EXACTLY what he’s doing and that he will not change because HE THINKS HE’S RIGHT. You don’t want to be with someone who isn’t capable of seeing when he’s wrong, and you don’t want to be with someone who knows he hurting you and doesn’t care. You deserve SO MUCH BETTER. You can stay, knowing that this is unacceptable, for months or years while trying to convince yourself that it will get better, then eventually leave him down the road when you finally acknowledge that he is not a worthy, respectful partner, but you will regret all the time you wasted and wish you’d left sooner. OR you can LEAVE NOW and get started on the rest of your life knowing that you are a strong, amazing woman who won’t let anyone treat her badly.

Post # 33
347 posts
Helper bee

 He kept saying that I was out of his league, and how did he ever get a girl like me?

Your words.  His obvious insecurity.  He is trying to make you look bad so he looks good.  You ARE out of his league.  You would never treat someone like he’s treating you.  I’ll even bet you’d tell your best friend to run as fast as she could if she had the same problem.  Can you tell yourself that?  RUN, and don’t look back.  He should be your hero for the rest of your life, but that doesn’t mean breaking you down so he can pick you up.  RUN.  Give the ring back, and Run.  Don’t second guess yourself.

He is the abuser, just as previous posters have said.  It will not get better, you could try for years, and it will NEVER get better.

Post # 34
4272 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I am going to throw this out there. You can take it how you like. I don’t want to put any ideas into your head (well I guess I will be with this…) but this sounds all too familiar to me.

I dated a guy like this, at first everything was great. Then after awhile he started nagging me and putting me down constantly. I was too skinny, my nose was too big, I need to get a tan, I am not ambitious enough, blah blah blah. He wouldn’t take me out with his friends and he would be out late all the time.

He was cheating on me…. I guess by being a dick, he was hoping I would break it off first because he was not man enough…I don’t know… I don’t care to make any sense of it actually.

I say ditch him…. the right guy dosn’t make you feel shitty about yourself…that is not normal.

Post # 35
1428 posts
Bumble bee

Urgh….this makes me so mad and sad. Walk away please!!!

It will hurt, you will be sad, you will miss him, you will question yourself over and over again.

BUT, after some time has passed, you will hopefully realise that you made the BEST decision ever for yourself and for your future.

You are an AWESOME, AMAZING WOMAN!!! It is a MILLION times better to be single and happy, than to be married and miserable. You deserve SO much more and you can have so much more with a man who loves and respects you, no matter your size, your job, or anything else superficial. 

Sending hugs and prayers to you!!! 


Post # 36
3176 posts
Sugar bee

Yeah, he sounds like a jerk and you can do better. Honestly,  you sound like you’re young (using the typical college timeline), you have plenty of time to find the right one. You don’t have to settle for this guy. I think it will only get worst when you get married and it’ll be harder to get out then.

On top of that, just because he is an aerospace engineering major doesn’t mean he’ll get a job quickly.  My bff’s husband has been an aerospace engineer for over 10 years with his masters and continuously runs to risk of underemployment even though he is great at what he does. He spent over 18 months unemployed in fact due to the economy. 

Post # 37
8938 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Paiger8:  Two years is not such a long time that you need to put a whole lot more in trying to salvage this. Cut your losses now. The only thing worse than realizing the guy you’ve spent the last 2 years with is an asshole, is realizing the guy you’ve spent the last 5 (or 7, or 10) with is an asshole. Cut him loose and find someone worth your time.

Post # 38
1621 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP, no one deserves to feel this way.  I have to agree with so many PPs here that I don’t think this is a healthy, loving relationship for you and I don’t believe it’s worth any more of your time or effort.  It may have been good once upon a time, and it may be hard to let go…..but trust me, there is someone out there waiting for you that will love you unconditionally and spend every day of the rest of his life cherishing you.  In fact, it’s not even about another man because honestly you’re better off alone than with this person.  He will kill your esteem and your confidence and your self-trust if you stay and let him.  Sometimes it’s hard for women to end a relationship even though they know it’s the right thing for them, and I say, “What would you tell your best friend or your daughter if she was in this situation?”  That sometimes helps to make things clearer.

This man isn’t “the one” if you believe in that.  Don’t be too sad, because he IS out there.  Just be brave enough to ditch this jerk and go on with being your FABULOUS self!!!!

Post # 39
941 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

agree with every other bee…walk away from this one. HE’s the one who is no good.

Post # 40
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@Cyanfire:  life will most certainly take care of that.  I agree!

Post # 41
2255 posts
Buzzing bee

I wouldn’t let a complete stranger treat me the way he has been treating you, let alone the person with whom I want to spend the rest of my life. 

He sounds like he’s projecting his own impossible standards and insecurities on you. You deserve someone who will raise you up, not keep you down. Get out now. 

Post # 42
482 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@Paiger8:  Oh man that’s really tough!I’ve been in your shoes, and it sucks. It sounds like he has control issues, that he need to get “controll” of ASAP. These little judging comments really wear you down over time, and the insidious nature of the beast is that it is so slow that You doe’t even notice before it has a HUGE effect on your self esteam, and personality. I hope you sit him down a chat with him about this, and start couples therapy as well, or you’ll have to  take your imperfections and leave. Don’t forsake your self worth for him if he is not willing to change his shitty behaviour.

I used to date a guy just like this, and though I like to think that I’m a pretty tough confident person, this guy did a real number on me over the 2 years (!!) that we were together, and I am SO EFFING GLAD that I left his ass. Good luck to you hun, do somje soul searching with yourself and your partner.

Post # 43
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m not sure if he’s controlling or if he doesn’t want to marry you and he’s being very passive aggressive.  Unless you saw a ring, chances are he never even bought one.  I’m not trying to be mean I’m just being honest.  He’s given you dozens of reasons to break up with him so go ahead and end it while you can.  It will hurt less if you end things on your terms.

Post # 44
11268 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@lolot:  +1


@Paiger8:  you deserve so much more.  trust me.

Post # 45
513 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m sorry to say, but you need to move on.  People change, and it sounds like he has changed…for the worse.  You don’t need to put up with this.  You will find someone much better who loves you for who you are.  You will be grateful later on down the road!!!

Post # 46
3197 posts
Sugar bee

It sounds like he is: 

a) being a coward and trying to make you break up with him because he doesn’t want to marry you. (why the hell not is the question here….?)

b) a total jerk

c) really insecure that you ARE better than him and deserve someone who is your equal and is afraid that you will leave him and because of this fear is trying to break you down to be on “his level” and thus deserving of him 

d) all of the above combined to where he is an a**hole who is totally insecure because he knows he doesn’t *actually* have much to offer a life partner and is trying to break you down and force you to stay with him out of your insecurity, but he doesn’t really love you and just doesn’t want to be alone

I vote d, but any of the above would make me leave the SOB. 

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