- 6 years ago
I’ve read a lot of posts on here about waiting; about women who are still waiting years longer than they wanted to, of those who waited and finally got engaged, and of those who waited too long and gave up. I’ve seen comments saying that guys know what they want, that if they haven’t proposed by now they’re not going to, comments saying that these women just need to wait until he’s ready, that it shouldn’t be just on her timeline, comments scolding women who have walked away from proposals when they came too late.
I’ve never posted here before, but this is my story, the story in which I waited too long, and I regret it.
I was in a relationship for 11 years. 11 whole years, from age 19 to age 30, and about five-six years into it (let’s say age 25 for arguments sake, since I’m not sure exactly when it started) I wanted to get married. It started like a slow hum, but with every day that passed, it amped up. Years passed, until every single relationship my friends had, all of with started AFTER my SO and I started dating, moved past us. All around me people were getting engaged, getting married, buying homes, adopting pets, and having babies. And I wanted it so bad I could taste it. Every time my family got together, people would ask when we’d be getting married. Heck, even his own sisters would ask me, and I was left with nothing to say. Because, even though when I realized that marriage and home and family were what I wanted I sat him down and told him point blank that I wanted these things in my life, and he needed to let me know if what he wanted didn’t mesh with what I wanted, and he agreed he wanted the same things, I had no idea when or if this would ever happen.
Let me make that very clear: I asked around age 25 if he wanted marriage/house/kids, and he said yes. Not yet, but yes.
Well guess what? Sometimes people lie.
I spent the last five years of our relationship waiting for a proposal that would never come, watching as my friends fell in love and got engaged and got married as I waited and waited and waited. For those who would say that he was clearly committed since he stayed that long, I have to disagree. Because in all that time, I never felt like he committed. I was always in the background, just someone he would kiss and hang out with and have sex with when he wasn’t too busy with his friends. We didn’t even live together until the final year of our relationship, and even then he complained and freeloaded off of me while I saved up for a downpayment for “our” future house.
I shouldn’t have waited, but I loved him and I believed him. But sometimes people lie.
I spent years begging him to marry me. But it never happened. Instead he just ignored me and my feelings and treated me worse and worse.
I waited too long, and the proposal never came. But in the end I’m the one that ended it. I walked away. Afterwards, he admitted that he really never pictured himself getting married and raising a family. He’d only been saying that to “make me happy”.
But this is what waiting so long did to me: I no longer feel like I’m the kind of girl that guys want to propose to. I fight this feeling every day, but because of waiting for so long, and because waiting like that, with no hope, makes you feel like you are somehow less, like there’s something wrong with you, like you’re just not the kind of girl that guys love enough to marry.
Now, every time I’m at the mall and walk by a jewelry store, I look inside as I walk by and I feel a pang of sadness, because I see guys in there picking out jewelry and something deep down in me KNOWS that no guy will love me like that, because I gave my all and I got nothing in return. I try so hard not to feel that way, to remind myself that somewhere out there there’s the right guy for me, and I’ll be happy again one day.
That’s what years of waiting does, it makes you feel like you’re not good enough. It breaks you.
So please, ladies who didn’t have to wait or who got engaged even though marriage means little to you, please don’t hate on those of us who have given up hope, don’t tell us that “when he’s ready he’s ready” and that “he’s committed if he’s stayed so long” because trust me, sometimes it doesn’t feel that way.
Sometimes you wait and hope and pray because you love your SO so much, and you end up like me, 31 and alone and hoping against hope that the next guy I meet won’t do the same thing.
To those of you in the same boat that I was, all I can tell you is to look, really look at your SO. Forget the fact that you love him for a single moment, and really look at the person he is and how he treats you. Is he the man that you want to stand by, the one you want raising your kids with you? Can you trust him? Because after years of lies and broken promises, when I did the same, the answer was no.