- 5 years ago
I left a marriage a little over a year ago. My husband was controlling and emotionally abusive and it took a lot for me to finally gather the courage to leave. When I did finally leave, the fallout was terrible. He was terrorizing me through texts and phone calls, calling my family and friends and tried to convince them that I had cheated on him and told them what a whore I was…it was just bad. I say all of this to explain what a bad place I was in emotionally after I left him. I had zero self-esteem, I was alone for the first time in my adult life, trying to survive and stay afloat financially and just trying to get by day to day. It was so hard to make myself even get out of bed every day for the longest time. I felt like I had nothing to live for.
Over the years I have had a fairly close relationship with a boyfriend that I had in high school, I’ll call him Jack. We didn’t live in the same area though, so we never saw each other. We mostly just kept in touch through Facebook and texting, and the occasional phone call. I always felt like he had some kind of feelings for me, but I wasn’t sure and it wasn’t something we ever talked about. Once I left my husband, Jack definitely crossed my mind a lot but at this point we hadn’t talked in several months and I wasn’t ready to get involved in anything romantic anyway, so we didn’t reunite or anything.
Once I had been single a couple of months, one of Jack’s good friends (I’ll call him Eric—he lived in my city) contacted me and asked if I’d like to go to lunch sometime. I wasn’t interested in him but he didn’t make it clear if it was supposed to be some kind of actual date or not, so I agreed. We had a nice enough time though so I agreed to go out to dinner with him a week or so later. Honestly, it WAS really nice to have someone to talk to for the first time since I’d left my husband. Things progressed and we slept together that night. I wasn’t feeling it though and broke things off, but he continued to text me like crazy until I finally had to be so blunt that I probably sounded quite rude.
Of course Eric told Jack about all of this and apparently Jack was absolutely devastated. Jack and I have known each other for 9 years and I didn’t really know Eric well at all, and I guess Jack thought that if I ever ended my marriage that maybe he and I could have a chance. But me sleeping with his friend hurt him so badly…even worse though, Eric knew that Jack had feelings for me and pursued me anyway.
I continued picking up the pieces of my life and standing on my own two feet again. Several months later Jack and I began talking again and this is when I learned how upset he was when he heard about Eric and me. By this point I was so sick of Eric, he wouldn’t leave me alone and the small amount of time we spent together was so insignificant I just wanted to forget it all. It was a one time thing that meant nothing.
Jack and I started dating and have been together 6 months now. I have never felt anything so “right” in my life. It’s like for the first time, everything makes sense. I feel like I sound crazy saying this since I’ve not even been out of my first marriage a year and a half yet, but I know that I want to marry Jack. We’ve talked about marriage and we are on the same page. I know it sounds soon…but sometime in the future, no rush. 🙂 I don’t know how else to explain it except for when you know, you know. And I know. 100%.
I’m currently working abroad and will be for several more months. Long distance is hard and communication is SO important. So yesterday when I could tell something was up with Jack, I knew we had to talk to work it out. I finally got him to admit that he was feeling very angry and upset about everything with Eric. He knows that he can’t be mad at me for something I did before we were together…but I kind of think he’s a little mad anyway. He’s furious at Eric, because apparently Eric has described sex with me to Jack very graphically and is always making jabs at him. Like right before I left the country (a month ago) Jack and I went to a very nice restaurant that I actually went to with Eric the one time we had dinner. When Jack told Eric about the great evening we’d had, Eric said “Oh, I took her there first.” Jack didn’t know that and felt pretty dejected about the whole thing then.
I personally think that Eric is a terrible friend to Jack and I reached the point that I couldn’t stand him during the time he was badgering me after our “date.” But this apparently upsets Jack a lot, still, and I’m just wondering what on earth I can do to help the situation? I feel so helpless because I can’t change the past, nor should I feel like I need to since I had no loyalty to Jack at the time (though I really do wish I had never even had lunch with Eric). The physical distance between us right now also contributes to my helpless feeling. I worry that Jack will bottle things up because he doesn’t want to upset me and this will tear us apart, and I won’t realize it’s happening because I’m not there with him. 🙁
Anyway, I have cried all day because we talked this morning and things just seemed “off” and there is nothing I can do to fix it. I know he can’t “blame” me for anything, but I worry that he’s never going to be able to get the things that Eric has told him out of his mind and…what if he decides he can’t get past it? That it’s too much, that he’ll always think of me being with Eric? He’s even said “What happens when we get married? Is Eric going to go around bragging that he fucked the bride? Do we invite him or not? Will we even want him there?”
I feel like these questions are a little premature, BUT I get where he is coming from. He has known Eric his entire life and I’m sure he’s always assumed that they would always be friends. And he says that he’s scared to even bring me up around Eric because he’s afraid that he’ll hear something about me (sexual I assume) that he doesn’t want to hear.
I just don’t know what to do. Being so far away adds to the worry and uneasy feeling, and now due to the time difference he will be sleeping for the next 8 hours or so. We hung up with me crying and him promising me that everything is okay, but he didn’t sound sincere at all.
Any advice? I’m sorry my thoughts are so jumbled. 🙁