Post # 1
Last night I had to sit through an unexpected hour and a half of stop and go traffic coming home from work and was also super hungry. So I was pretty grumpy by the time I got home. No excuse though. I get home and my SO is out cleaning off our porch and has started cleaning the house (for some reason though this annoyed me because he’d been home alllll day and it should’ve all been done before I got there but oh well). I let him know I’m not in the best mood and he gives me a big hug which usually calms me down. However I was still in a bad mood and started complaining about how the stove was all dirty and blah blah blah. He then playfully tries to get me to dance with him and the dog and for some reason it’s just too much. I snap and yell “I don’t want to fucking do this right now!” And he is obviously hurt. So then I run into our bedroom and start bawling cause I just feel like an awful person.
I apologized and explained why I felt so bad. He said it wasn’t a huge deal but that he obviously doesn’t enjoy being snapped at like that. This was over the span of like 10 minutes and we were good afterwards but for some reason I’m still beating myself up for it today and feel like a terrible person. I do have anxiety and am in therapy.
Any words of encouragment or advice?
Post # 2
Defintely discuss it with your therapist. My anxiety makes me ruminate and beat the hell out of myself too.
Remind yourself that you are doing the best you can and that’s all that you can do. You’re human and you make mistakes, it doesn’t make you a bad person or a bad significant other. Plus, you owned it and apologized.
Your therapist can help you come up with some good ways to stop beating yourself up
Post # 3
No one is perfect. You had a rough day and probably needed some down time to yourself to recuperate. You apologized and smoothed it over. Do something nice for him today and let it go.
Post # 4
amilly435 : you’re human. And it sounds like a pretty good one at that, you only let the anxiety and grumpy ness keep you for ten minutes. It’s taken me YEARS of therapy to get to the point that I can shrug off the anxiety-grump in a matter of minutes.
You’re doing great. But you can always get better. Just remember that it takes practice and compassion for yourself. Try to remember that you’re working on this trait, you don’t like how it felt to do it, and you don’t want to make your partner feel snapped at.
You correctly told him you were feeling off when you came Home and got that magical hug, but it wasn’t enough. If you can, try to identify that it’s not enough and go do something for yourself before you get to the point of snapping. Maybe shove some bread in your mouth right when you get home, or have emergency nuts in your car for unexpected traffic/hangry times.
Also remember that you love him very much and don’t want to be like that. He knows this, and if he’s as good of a partner as he sounds (from your brief description) he understands and is working on it with you.
I say all of this as a person that was EXTREMELY snappy, lived in a snappy household and and still working on not doing it. My therapists and I have been working on this for years. My husband is understanding and compassionate but I worry he can only take so much. That’s why I’m constantly working on it and then sincerely apologizing and appreciating him that he still loves me even when I’m being terrible.
Post # 5
If I beat myself up every time I snapped at my husband while hangry, I’d be beating myself up a lot. We’re human. All we can do is apologize and try to be better.
Post # 6
*Hugs* Usually when something like this happens, I’ll let my SO know that I’m still thinking about it and that I couldn’t be more sorry about what happened. He just smiles and tells me that it’s really okay and most of the time it’s that extra assurance that I need that he’s really not mad at me and that I’m really not an awful person.
Post # 7
Thank you everyone!!! You ladies have made me feel so much better and reminded me to give myself grace and forgiveness.
teacher-bee-in-the-sea : your response was so helpful! And thank you for your kind words. I also grew up in a very snappy household, and therapy has really helped me understand how that’s affected me. My SO is extremely understanding and patient, but I’m also terrified that if I don’t change he’ll be over it. But I remind myself that he isn’t perfect either and sometimes snaps at me as well if he’s vulnerable (hot or tired) and I don’t think less of him, so he probably doesn’t either.
Sansa85 : that’s definite whats going on here and I already feel anxious to talk with her about it but my next appointment isn’t till Tuesday. I’m glad there’s someone who understands the rumination!
Post # 8
thebeekeeper : thank you, that’s usually exactly what happens for us too but he works 24 hour shifts and won’t be home till tomorrow at 8am :/ I texted him that I still feel bad, and plan to have breakfast ready for him when he gets home. Hopefully by then I’ll have worked through it!
Post # 9
amilly435 : glad to have helped, Bee. We just got back from two weeks in France where my travel anxiety got the best of me multiple times and I was really bummed that I let it. I definitely cried three times because I couldn’t believe how short I was being with my husband.
But if I look objectively it was for a few minutes each time in moments of high stress plus huger and I quickly recognized and recovered. My biggest help is realizing I’m being short and then just snapping myself out of it with a mantra that I say to myself. It’s along the lines of “you don’t sound like a nice person, what’s going on, what has upset you/making you feel out of control?” Then I identify the issue and once I’ve named it, it has less power. This is something I’ve learned in Cognitive behavioral therapy.
And we’ve been together for ten years, so if I look back on how I acted at the beginning of our relationship or even before that, I can see that I am making leaps and bounds of recovery. I used to be cranky for hours, maybe even an whole evening would be ruined because I was in a mood.
I wish I was this “well put together woman” that didn’t let outside stressors affect me so much. But for the most part, that person doesn’t exist. Almost everyone snaps sometimes. It’s about making it happen less and less and for shorter and shorter periods of time.
Post # 10
Let it go. I snap at my Dh all the time. They get used to it.
Seriously, he has forgiven you, now you have to forgive yourself. Anxiety is a nasty critter.
Some people are wound very tightly when they get home from work/commuting. Some have found it really helpful to negotiate some private time when they first get home. It can be very hard to downshift from wide open throttle to coasting. It can take time to get your bearings back.
Maybe you could talk to your SO about letting you have the first 30 minutes after you walk through the door, all to yourself. And you do whatever you need during that time to decompress. It can work really well.
It sounds like he probably has a tough job, if he’s working 24 hour shifts. Maybe this would be a good time to hammer out a Mutual Aid Agreement. Each of you let the other know what would be most helpful when you first get home from work.
He’s a guy, so I’ll guess food.
Post # 11
Hanger and traffic are my two biggest irrational rage triggers. They turn me into a goddamn monster. I didn’t even really realize that until my husband moved in because I’d come home and snap at him while he was being perfectly sweet. So now I always:
A) Listen to podcasts or Audiobooks. If i’m listening to something funny or interesting it’s WAY easier to bear that trapped feeling that I get in traffic.
B) Keep snacks in the car. Even just something like a bag of almonds. I often don’t realize I’m hungry while I’m at work because I’m nervous and distracted and then it hits me in the car when I’m stuck in traffic – not a good combo
C) If I’m still in a rage when I get home I need to go for a walk or run. It gives me some time to wind down and blow off a bit of steam before settling in for the night with Darling Husband.
Post # 12
amilly435 : Nobody is perfect! You’re not a terrilble person. You were in a bad mood and had a weak moment. It happens, just use this experience to learn from it and try and prevent it in the future.
Post # 13
amilly435 : No one is perfect. You’re not a terrible person. You were just in a bad mood & had a weak moment….it happens. Just use this experience to learn from it & try to prevent it from happening again in the future. Maybe do something nice for him as well!
Post # 14
don’t be so preoccupied by your thoughts.
Post # 15
Aww girl, we’re all human. I think the fact that you still feel bad is telling of the person you are/strive to be. As your husband stated, he is over it, and men are generally pretty good about forgiving and forgetting fairly quickly. You just have to forgive yourself now. If it will help you feel better, maybe do something special for him that you know he’d like to officially put it to rest and backfill with a positive memory.
For the longterm, resolve to find concrete ways to decompress or channel some of that pent up stress and anxiety before walking in the door, whether that’s hitting the gym, walking in nature, doing daily meditations, journaling, etc. (whatever works best for you).