(Closed) I snooped and now I don't know how to approach this situation – LONG

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2721 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Wow.  I don’t have a good idea as to how you can approach this.  But for me this would be a friend-goes-or-I-go situation.  If he doesn’t have the balls to dump a friend who treats you like crap, he doesn’t deserve you.

Post # 4
375 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

You don’t approach this.  You don’t snoop.  You don’t try and understand his loyalty.

Know that there are things about you your Fiance doesn’t understand, and let it go.

My sense is that if your Fiance were able to cut ties with this man, he would.  He is willing to allow this guy to talk trash about you – so this guy either has a hold on him of some sort…. or your Fiance is an ass.  You seem to indicate your Fiance is not an ass….. so I would go with this man has some sort of hold on him (he may feel guilty for something, he may have helped him out in some way….whatever) and I would try hard to let it go.


Good luck.

Post # 5
3525 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Tell him you snooped and apologize for it, but I agree that this friend needs to GO. Those comments are just unacceptable. Why is your Fiance tolerating them? 

Post # 6
24 posts
  • Wedding: March 2013

Short of this “man” having something on your Fiance…I can’t see a reason they are still friends.Would you have a huge problem with a friend of yours saying such rude and disrespecting things about your Fiance. I’d put it to him that way…maybe he will comprehend. He’s suppose to stand up for you…you would do that same, right?Also maybe it’s not so much as what that jerk is saying about you…I mean not everyone is gonna like you( I’ve goten use to that) but the lack of what your Fiance is saying back in your defense. Just a thought.

Post # 7
2623 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I’m sorry but the biggest asshole in this situation is your Fi. This is so judgemental, but I would be damned if I would continue to date nevermind marry someone who thinks it’s ok for their friend to publicly call me a whore.

Your Fi has let this man be rude and nasty to you. I personally don’t need my Fi to stand up for me, but in this case I expect him to put his friend in check.

That being said I’m guessing if you moved that far and decided to get married your Fi has some good qualities. I am not a fan of controlling people or breaking up friendships for a relationship. You have been disrespected so badly on so many levels. I would tell your Fi not only is his friend not invited that he needs to decided who he wants in his life.

So far he done nothing but make excuses for his friend and you allowed him to get away with condoning friends nasty, rude, and verbally abusive behavior. It doesn’t matter that you were snooping as things this guy has said in the past are enough to prove that he doesn’t need to be invited to the wedding or even be a “friend” for that matter.


Post # 9
2015 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@TwoCityBride:  I agree! What kind of conversation did you have with your Fiance after the Facebook insult? I’m assuming that if he wouldn’t cut ties with his friend over that, he won’t over this, either. I don’t see you getting very far, and he’s likely going to be upset that you snooped on top of it.

Post # 10
2639 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

I don’t see how you can approach Fiance about this-I would be livid if someone snooped through my phone.  Next time you’re around this guy, can you confront him about what he’s said?:

“Joe, have I done something to offend you?” (most likely, the answer will be “no, why?”)

“Because these posting you put on FB about me are pretty cruel- I don’t understand where all this animosity you have towards me is coming from.”

Post # 11
1737 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

@TwoCityBride:  I agree.

That’s a really crappy situation. I don’t think the text is as bad as the public Whore comment, that would have been when I spoek with him. Your Fiance needs to stand up for YOU, make sure his friends are respectful of you.


Post # 12
1302 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I agree with PPs that you shouldn’t have snooped.  I also agree that your Fiance should’ve checked his friend’s behaviour already, rather than let it slide as him just “pushing your buttons”.

I would confront the friend directly, hoping for some honesty and resolution…but if not to then hope that he says something that will push Fiance to break this bond.  

Post # 13
4913 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@TwoCityBride:  +1

I broke up with an ex bc his bff always tried to get a rise out of me by causing fights and insulting my friends.  I told him that if he couldn’t pick me over his friend, then I would pick myself over him.  And I did.

Your Fiance needs to back you up and put this guy in his place.

Personally. I would contact this friend myself and tell him not to come to the wedding.  What good is it for him to be at a wedding he doesn’t agree with, right?  I would say just that.  “You don’t like me.  I don’t like you.  You don’t agree with this wedding.  I don’t agree with you coming to it.  So don’t.” 

And if your Fiance gets mad at you, tell him to grow a pair of balls and stand up for you next time so you don’t have to do it yourself. 

Post # 14
3389 posts
Sugar bee

Calling someone a whore on FB and your Fiance not slamming him? That would make me think where his loyalty lies…. if he can’t defend you on FB, which is very public, then I doubt he ever will if the need arises in the future. I would ask him why he thinks it’s okay for his friend to disrespect you in that manner… does he not love you enough to not let someone call you a whore? He sounds like a wimp.

Post # 15
30398 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Unless you want to confess to your Fi that you can’t be trusted to respect his privacy, you  have no choice but to drop it.

You really have no idea how your Fiance responded, unless you read that too, but for some unknown reason he chooses to maintain this relationship.

I would tell him in the future that you do not feel comfortable in this man’s presence and excuse myself from any further get togethers.

Post # 16
773 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

 I always encourage my husband to keep in better touch with his friends, but if any of them ever dared to call me a whore or told him that he shouldn’t be with me, he’d have something to say in my defence and then he’d never speak to them again.  He also wouldn’t tolerate it from anyone in his family!  If you really love someone, you don’t just stand by and let other people get away with disrespecting them, especially not to this extent!  As much as you might love your friends and family, your FI/spouse has to come first and everyone else better learn their place real fast!  It’s no foundation for a marriage otherwise.

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